Seaton: Sheriff Roy And The Conspiracy Theorist

When we last left our intrepid heroes, Mud Lick’s top cops were attempting to solve the mystery of a prized cow allegedly anally probed by aliens—CLS

Sheriff Roy Templeton and Deputy Ernesto Miranda stood in front of what looked to be a cross between a nuclear bunker and an abandoned radio station.

“What in blazes are we doing here, boss, and why isn’t this building on any maps?” Miranda asked.

“Easy. You don’t put something on a map if you don’t want it to be found, Deputy, and the guy who lives here doesn’t want to be found by anyone.”

“And that would be?”

“The biggest paranoid conspiracy theorist in the state of Alabama. Also, probably the one guy with more answers than any of us about what really goes on in this county.”

“A conspiracy theorist, Sheriff? Really?”

Sheriff Roy frowned. “I said paranoid conspiracy theorist, Deputy. Rule number one: A paranoid is simply someone in possession of all the facts.”

“Fair enough. What’s our paranoid’s name?”

“Nathan Jones.”

“Any relation to Alex Jones?”

The two cops were interrupted by the sound of a drone gliding towards them.

“Identify yourselves please” a metallic voice rasped from the drone.

“Vanguard One, tell your boss the cops are here to see him,” Sheriff Roy told the drone matter-of-factly.”

Vanguard One beeped for a few seconds. “My employer wishes to know if you possess a warrant.”

“No,” Sheriff Roy replied, “But I’m out of VitaCaps Vegetable Supplements and could stand to pick up a few bottles if he’s got any left.”

The drone beeped again. “You may proceed through the front gate. Welcome to the InfoDump.” With that the drone flew off.

“What’s a VitaCap?” Deputy Miranda asked.

“It’s some kind of all natural supplement Nate sells. He says it funds his operation. I just keep a couple bottles around as an excuse to come here when I need information.”

“Fair enough.”

The duo made their way into what looked like a radio station’s waiting room. A large “ON AIR” sign was brightly lit, as was a “QUIET PLEASE” sign. What sounded like a radio broadcast piped through a speaker.

“There’s a war on for your mind, and we provide the ammunition, patriots. And don’t forget the deep state wants to see all of us fat, lazy and stupid. That’s why the best source of vitamins and minerals on the market today are my VitaCaps Veggie Boosters. They’re all natural, all vegan, and provide 200% of your necessary daily vitamins and minerals in two easy to swallow capsules. $55.99 MSRP but with promo code “GAYFROG” you, yes you, patriot, can get twenty percent off and free shipping. These sales fund our operation so if you like what we’re doing here, providing you with the information Big Tech and the Deep State don’t want you to have, please consider a purchase. We’ll return after this break with more on the secret ring of child molesters preying on your local Chuck E. Cheese.”

The signs darkened and as the theme from “Team America: World Police” played, a squat man emerged from what had to have been a radio studio of some sort. He was about 5”10 and easily 200 pounds with thinning red hair and spectacles.

“You’re back for more VitaCaps, Sheriff?” Nathan Jones asked in a gravely voice. “That latest batch sure is effective, isn’t it?”

“Yessir, and we could use some information while we’re here if you don’t mind talking with us.”

“Hrm.” Jones mulled over it. “A three bottle purchase should get you what you want.”

Sheriff Roy pulled a $100 bill out and handed it to Jones, who smiled and said “Perfect. Follow me gentlemen.” He then headed back through what was apparently the studio door and beckoned the two cops to follow him.

The next room was some sort of storeroom for Jones’ supplement business. Nathan Jones selected two bottles labeled “VitaCaps” and handed them to Sheriff Roy. He looked at Deputy Miranda and asked “You want some? I’ll give you a BOGO Deal. Buy one get one 50% off, which would give you two bottles for $50.”

Deputy Miranda looked at Sheriff Roy before producing the money. Jones took the fifty, tossed two bottles to Miranda, then said “What do you want to talk about, Sheriff? The anal probe Farmer Burkitt’s been telling everyone killed his cow?”

“That would be why we’re here, in fact.”

“Well if it was a UAP, it’s not one that’s been confirmed by any official state sanctioned media outlets. Let’s go check the gray man sources.”

Jones turned on three computer monitors and began typing into several search outlets.

“What are we searching, if I may ask?” Deputy Miranda said.

“Easy. All the news outlets no one wants to acknowledge. Paul Joseph Watson’s Instagram. Jack Posobiec’s X. Reddit. The dark web. Places legacy media discredits but that often have real information. If I’m froggy, I might even check the Daily Wire.”

“Huh.” Deputy Miranda said to no one in particular.

It took Nathan Jones about five minutes to confirm his initial suspicions.

“As I suspected Sheriff, there’s nothing in official media that suggests the possibility of a UAP negatively affecting bovine life. There’s a thread in a holistic media forum about mysterious bovine exsanguination and a recording of an X space about a form of Chi-Com weaponized ebola that causes cattle to basically crap their guts out.”

“What’s a Chi-Com?” Deputy Miranda asked.

“Shorthand for “Chinese Communist.” Sheriff Roy replied. Nathan Jones nodded in agreement as though this were standard lingo used by everyday folks.

“If I were you, I’d be considering some form of those two sources meeting, Sheriff. With the way virologists manipulated COVID, there’s no telling what’s been done to our beef supply in America if something this strange happened to Farmer Burkitt’s cow. I think this might be a patient zero case, Sheriff. May need to get the CDC involved.”

“That sounds good, Nate. Thank you and we’ll be taking our leave now.”

“Anytime I can be of assistance in helping you meet your health and wellness needs, Sheriff, you know where to find me.”

Jones looked at Deputy Miranda. “You too as long as you’re cool about it.”

“We’re gonna split, Nate. Pleasure.” Sheriff Roy said as the cops made their way out of the bunker/radio station.

As the two lawmen sat in the patrol cruiser, Deputy Miranda asked his boss “Did I just snort some crazy pills in there or did we just have Alex Jones’ cousin tell us a health message board is the answer to this mystery?”

“First, he’s not Alex Jones’ cousin. He hates that guy. Second, we got some crazy talk spouted at us, but there’s generally some solid truths in whatever Nate’s spouting off about. The trick is to find out what’s the truth and what’s the made-up bullshit.”

“How do we do that, Sheriff?”

Sheriff Roy smiled. “I’m working on it.”


3 thoughts on “Seaton: Sheriff Roy And The Conspiracy Theorist

  1. JMK

    > Shorthand for “Chinese Communist.” Sheriff Roy replied. Nathan Jones nodded in agreement as though this were standard lingo used by everyday folks.

    …you mean it’s not?

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