This week, thousands of Americans who previously held strong beliefs that the criminal justice system is rigged against the accused celebrated in droves as the one person they all agreed was a No Good Rat Bastard Who Totally Did it was found guilty by a jury of his peers.

Social media trended with the terms “Guilty,” “There is a God” and “Rule of Law” for days following the verdict. Strangely, these were the same accounts posting things like “ACAB,” “No Justice, No Peace” and “Free [insert name of local felon]” only days earlier.

“Sure the system is usually rigged against defendants.” one man on the street told this reporter. “That’s why I was surprised this time when they actually got a motherfucker who committed crimes! Way to go prosecutors!”

When pressed on what crimes were actually committed, a female bystander said “It was stuff that was bad! It was felonies, right? That’s when you know someone did bad shit—when they get convicted of felonies.”

“Yeah,” said her husband. “This was totally not like when my cousin did a bid for burglary. This was really bad shit. When the people on the TV and the NPR say these are serious crimes, they mean it. They get punished if they lie so you know it’s all true.”

“I’m just personally happy for once that a billionaire is suffering the same fate as so many black and brown incarcerated people see on a daily basis,” remarked Aiden Starfent, a junior at CUNY. “I don’t really believe in a higher power but this feels like karma is righting itself in the universe, you know?”

“Boobies,” said Frank Castle, an unhoused person on the corner of Lexington and Fifteenth. “I think boobies are really what makes the world go around, see? Like when they’re big and round and jiggly and they get in your face, they make you do anything! Got any crack?”

Palestinian human rights lawyer and Columbia School of Law fellow Ibrahim Al-Rashid responded to an email requesting comment with a 105-page screed that largely consisted of the words “Fascism,” “Genocide,” “War Crimes,” “Jews,” and “Free Palestine.”

Some people were not happy with the verdict. One local man in Dyersburg, Tennessee said of the matter, “Oh he got screwed? No shit. That’s what happens when you take an innocent man and railroad him on bullshit that wouldn’t fly anywhere except goddamn Yankee Country.”

The Right Reverend Noah Tall, pastor of the Holy Divinity Sacred Baptist Church in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, said “Jesus was wrongfully convicted too. I hope this poor man doesn’t die on a cross as our Lord and Savior did so many years ago.”

Joey Topaz, a construction worker from New Haven, Connecticut, said “So he got convicted of felonies. Who gives a shit when I make fifty percent less today than I did four years ago, my cost of living is fifty percent more, and the damn illegals are outside Home Depot every morning ready to take jobs away from me?

(This reporter made sure to call Mr. Topaz an ungrateful racist bigot, dear readers.)

From dinner tables to pool halls across this great nation, the populace remains divided as ever over the No Good Rat Bastard Who Totally Did It’s conviction, but one thing remains a unifying factor:

We all think the system is full of shit when someone we like gets sent up the river, and we’re all ready to rejoice when it’s someone we hate.