Ketchikan is a town on an island in the land grouping near the bottom of Alaska if one looks at a map. This is kind of funny to me because I was so disoriented on direction during this cruise I could’ve sworn the town was farther north. Locals will tell you there’s three ways to get to Ketchikan: boat, plane or birth. Those folks born in Ketchikan are really proud of it and wear their pride in such a manner that makes them hate Juneau a whole hell of a lot for some reason.

I’m not sure where the Juneau hatred comes from. Part of me thinks it’s something akin to a high school rivalry. Then I hear some of the vile shit people in Ketchikan say about people from Juneau and I want to exclaim “Have you no decency, sir or ma’am? Where’s the civility and camaraderie of being fellow denizens of America’s last frontier?”

But I don’t say that because I’m a visitor and not one to judge.

Anyway, our “excursion” this stop was a duck tour of the town. By “duck” I mean we rode around in a vehicle that handled itself in the water as well as on land. It was also painted yellow and we got whistles shaped like duck beaks that quack when you blow into one. So you could say they really leaned into the gimmick for tourism’s sake.

There’s a lot of wildlife in Ketchikan that can kill you. Most of this is bears. A couple of streets in town are referred to as “Bear Alley” by the locals. In this area, one is required to buy special “bear proof” trash cans into which you place your refuse. The bear proofing is supposed to deter animals from getting into your trash, but it doesn’t work when the bears climb onto the cans and bump them with their bottoms. This “Ass bump” splits the trashcan like an overripe banana and the bears are free to rummage for their favorite prizes: dirty diapers.

I apologize if you’re reading this over breakfast. I’m also just relaying what I was told. Don’t hate the messenger.

Ketchikan likes to bill itself as the “Salmon capital of the world.” The tour guide tried to get me to remember the five types of salmon: chum, sockeye, king, pink and one which I’m forgetting so I guess it didn’t work that well. Salmon is a huge industry here and you can see on tours daily fishermen taking their wares in for processing at warehouses. I didn’t partake of any salmon while in Ketchikan because we were there for three hours but I’ll take their word for it.

The town loves to honor its past as a lumber town through an event called the “Great Alaskan Lumberjack Show” that happens between May and September. I didn’t get to see this so I don’t know if it includes hot saw contests like the lumberjack competitions on ESPN2. It would be sad if there were no hot saw contests because those things are really fun to watch.

Like I said I was only there for a few hours. I wish I had more time; Ketchikan seems like a fun place.

Then there’s the love of whoring which seems kind of baked into the framework of Ketchikan. This town loves it some whores. So much so that there’s a road called “Married Man’s Trail” that ends at the back door of a brothel called “Dolly’s.”

Dolly’s is still standing today in Ketchikan. The feds tried to shut Ms. Dolly’s business down when Ketchikan was incorporated and failed badly. It seems Ms. Dolly prepared for such a possibility by keeping a little black book with the names and contact information for every government official who used her services. We should all learn from Ms. Dolly.

I didn’t get to sample the local food due to time constraints. I did get the first Diet Dr. Pepper I’d had since Seattle here, however, and that was wonderful. Apparently Diet Dr. Pepper is a commodity in Alaska and that’s something that makes me very sad for the people who live there.

The real last stop on our cruise was Victoria, British Columbia. I didn’t get off the boat here because we arrived at 9 PM local time, two hours after my kids were in bed. Plus I’m not really sure what’s good to do in Victoria after the sun goes down so I stayed on the boat and read.

Everyone disembarked back in Seattle. We paid to have our luggage transported from the ship to our final destination in Nashville and I was quite happy with this when we returned around 2 AM on Sunday and I was lugging all that crap around in 90 degree weather. Yes, returning to the “Satan’s front door” temperatures Tennessee offers in the summer was not so much fun but being back home was.

And thus ends my Alaskan travels for now. I’d love to go back and explore the state further and I hope each of you takes the opportunity to visit someday.

Until next Friday, friends!