Fall had set upon the quiet town of Mud Lick, Alabama. In most years, this meant the turn of the air from oppressively muggy to somewhat pleasant, the first signs of leaves changing color, and the Alabama Crimson Tide returning to form as the alpha males of NCAA Football.

The latter wasn’t happening this year and it worried one man more than others. Sheriff Roy Templeton, Mud Lick’s top cop and current contender for Southeastern Sheriff of the Year by the NAACP, was not happy with his Tide’s current prospects. They looked almost human under the guidance of new head coach Kalen DeBoer. And if Sheriff Roy wasn’t mistaken it almost looked like the boys were playing with their food at times.

Meanwhile in Knoxville, the dreaded UT Vols were steamrolling everyone in sight. Sure two teams out off three were tomato cans but NC State was supposed to be a test. And the game was at a neutral site! And yet, still the best the Wolfpack could do was hang three points against those orange wearing goons!

This Nico kid really worried Sheriff Roy. For one, he was a Samoan. If Coach Saban’s time at the helm of Alabama Football taught Sheriff Roy anything, it was Samoans, when coached effectively, were unstoppable college football quarterbacks.

But the Nico kid wasn’t the only problem. For the first time in at least fifteen years the Vols looked like they had depth at every position. This Coach Heupel character was running as many as four tight ends on certain plays. The receivers were making their routes and special teams were actually executing when needed.

And the defense! Good heavens. They hadn’t allowed a touchdown in four games! This was a nightmare scenario as far as Sheriff Roy was concerned.

Looking at the upcoming schedule for college games, the Sheriff had an idea. He phoned his second in command.

“Yes boss?” Deputy Ernesto Miranda answered the phone cheerfully. The background noise Sheriff Roy heard suggested his right hand man was possibly in a sports bar of some kind.

“Deputy Miranda, I’ve got a special assignment for you. You’re heading to Norman, Oklahoma this weekend.”

“You need me to go talk to someone?”

“Yes. Coach Brent Venables. You’ll offer your services as personal security. And while you’re there you’re going to see if you can goad Josh Heupel into doing something stupid.”

“Not sure I follow, sir.”

“Heupel was an Oklahoma legend while there. Hell, after he lead the Sooners to the Natty he came back as an offensive coordinator for them. And he was doing a great job until the Sooners needed a scapegoat for a losing season and fired his ass.”

“And that concerns us how, sir?”

“Simple. You’re going to figure out a way to make Heupel lose his cool on Saturday while he’s playing his alma mater and trying to make a point. If you manage to get him good and riled up then you can see he’s arrested for disorderly conduct. And way I figure it there’s no better way to see the Vols humiliated than if their coach gets arrested at what he considers a ‘statement game.’”

“But sir. I’m not sure I can…”

“Miranda. Are you a Mexican or a MexiCAN’T?”

There was a pause on the end of the line. “I’m a US Citizen, sir.”

“Humor me.”

“Fine.” Deputy Miranda sighed. “I’m a MexiCAN.”

“And I know you’ll get the job done. Remember, we arrest anyone in Vol Orange on sight and make the charges stick later.”

“Different jurisdiction, Sheriff.”

“MAKE IT WORK,” Sheriff Roy roared before hanging up the phone.

As the Sheriff sat in silence in Mud Lick’s Sheriff’s Department, he momentarily felt bad about yelling at Deputy Miranda over a silly college football game. Sheriff Roy decided he didn’t feel bad almost immediately because college football was like war, war was hell, and men had to do difficult things in wartime.

About five hours away in Knoxville, surrounded by co-eds dressed in orange and white, Deputy Ernesto Miranda shook his head, convinced his superior officer had just lost his rabid-ass mind.

Still, it WAS a free trip to Oklahoma.