Yikes! It’s already the third Friday in October and I haven’t done anything Halloween-related this year? For shame. You may admonish me at your will, dear readers. I’ll wait.

Now that you’ve gotten that out of your system, let’s talk one of my absolute favorite holidays: Halloween! It’s fun to watch my kids get dressed up and roam the neighborhood with other children in search of the best candy hauls that evening. It’s a fun night where kids and their parents can let loose a little and just have fun while ghouls, ghosts and things that go bump in the night run rampant.

As I am nothing if not helpful and kind, I take great pride in bringing you my updated list of tips, hints and tricks to make your All Hallow’s Eve extra special. Enjoy!

*This has to be said every year, but please ignore any scare reports you see in the news of adults handing out drug-laced candy to kids. That shit’s expensive, adults pay good money for it and they’re not sharing. Ever.

*Kids are not out vandalizing houses with eggs and toilet paper either. Have you seen the costs of things nowadays? If my kids wasted eggs and toilet paper throwing them at houses instead of the purposes for which God intended, I’d rain down so much hell they’d think twice before ever allowing the thought of doing it again in their minds.

*Let’s talk candy distribution. For reasons that should be obvious to everyone, “fun size” candy bars are perfectly acceptable to hand out. It’s the economy, stupid! Kids will try to persuade you otherwise. Pay them no mind; they are children and don’t understand inflation.

*Honestly, to follow on the above point depending on how much candy your kids haul in, if you store it right there’s a good chance you’re already set for the evening. How much are they really going to eat after Halloween anyway?

• There are two candies unsuitable for distribution on Halloween: the nasty, chalky Smarties substitutes and candy corn. Especially candy corn, the existence of which is an embarrassment to the candy making profession. In fact, if you’re reading this and are somehow part of the production or distribution of candy corn, finish reading this post and then apologize to a person for your existence. And seek Jesus.

*We are now far enough removed from COVID that the families who hand out masks, hand sanitizer, toothbrushes or dental floss are on their own. I gave y’all the benefit of the doubt in previous years but you’re getting what’s coming to you good and hard on the 31st.

• Get stopped by a cop on Halloween? Here’s a fun thing to try. After you hand the officer your license, registration and proof of insurance, flash the officer a big smile and say “Happy Halloween! What are you supposed to be, a cop?” They’ll appreciate your holiday spirit!

• If anyone asks you how much you’ve had to drink that night, especially if it’s a cop, muster your best Count Von Count impression from youthful Sesame Street viewings and say “Van! Two! Three! Three beers! Ah Ah Aaah, I love to count!” Your chances of winning a dose of free Thorazine that night just doubled!

*Remember the parent tax: It is your duty to examine every piece of candy your kids bring in for needles, razor blades and the like. You’re doing this for their safety. It’s not that you’re intentionally keeping the good candy for yourself, y’know. You’re just keeping your kids’ “best interests” in mind.

*You may get invited to a party. If you are invited to a party and given a list of inappropriate costumes, politely decline or skip the gathering altogether. No one at that party will be fun or possess the slightest idea of how to have a good time.

*Going roaming in your neighborhood with others? Be a pal and watch out for the safety of kids in your area. Their parents will appreciate it and might even give you a couple of beers for your efforts.

With those out of the way, let’s address the crucially important task of selecting a costume.

*Guys, put on a stained T shirt and ripped jeans. Yellow your teeth with the substance of your choice. Rent a panel van and drive around the neighborhood offering kids free candy if they get in the back of your van. Make sure you have a good criminal defense lawyer’s number on speed dial and bail money ready before you try this.

*Ladies, get some nonprescription glasses. Put googly eyes on the lenses. Put in fake buck teeth and don a pantsuit. You’re Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez!

*Either gender: fake tattoos, JNCO or similar big-legged jeans, a “wife beater” tank top or a T-shirt with a marijuana leaf on it: You’re on unemployment!

Back to the Halloween tips. Make sure you keep the old traditions alive. Watch scary movies. Tell scary stories. I plan on regaling the family this year with a traditional ghost story about an orange gremlin, an alcoholic DA and Brian Stelter. Who is fat.

*It’s “Spooky Season” if you must be juvenile about it. Preferably you’ll act like an adult and call it “October,” “The month of Halloween,” or “the Time of All Hallow’s Eve.” If I ever see or hear you refer to it as “Spoopy Season” I’m going to relentlessly make fun of you and call you a child until I get bored of it.

Let’s close with two good ways to make an impression on kids as you hand out Halloween candy.

*When kids come to your door, yell “Trick or Treat!” and extend their candy buckets, stare at them for a minute or two, breathing heavily, and mutter in a gruff voice “Hey, you kids want some candy?” Enjoy the expressions on their little faces before you hand out the goods.

• Before even opening the door, put your phone in one hand and the candy container in the other. Don’t let the kids even say “Trick or Treat.” Just open the door yelling into your phone “Yes, I wanted the goddamn cheeseburger! Why do you think I ordered it, motherfucker?” Now smile at little Timmy and Ainslee as you hand out the candy. Enjoy their reactions.

That’s it, folks. See you next week! Happy Friday, and remember: No matter how hard your week’s been, at least you weren’t Bret Baier attempting to get a straight answer out of Vice President Harris!