It’s almost the end of the year and I’ve not done an Unsolicited Opinions in a long time. Fortunately, my brain’s bouncing all over the place and I’m ready to share a few takes on things on which no one’s asked me to opine.
Allow me to rectify that!
As longtime readers will know by now, what follows are unsolicited opinions no one’s asked for from a self-identified middle-aged crazy man on the internet. No one should take any of the following seriously. Unless, of course, you agree with me.
I would wail on a young girl’s father if my daughter told me we hated Suzie because she said my girl is ugly and dresses funny. Look, I don’t make the rules for this thug life, I just live it.
On some level, Black Friday was our free-market solution to the Roman Colosseum. Instead of feeding Christians to the lions we feed them to rednecks looking for deals on flat-screen TVs.
Many moons ago, I read a book by Timothy Leary called “Chaos and Cyberculture.” One of the more eyebrow-raising assertions of Leary’s in that book was the notion of cyberspace as a place where people shared mass hallucinations over reality. At the time I attributed the far-out nature of Leary’s claims to the massive amounts of LSD he consumed.
Decades later comedians are having fights with food companies on Twitter and the entire internet is arguing about what color a dress is in a photo. That old fucker was right!
I’ve been thinking a lot about rap names lately. They usually involve two words. One is a descriptor (Big, Lil’, Short, Fat) and the other is the name (Pun, Baby, Dog, Joe). Some are alliterations (Slick The Shocker, Murph Da Mouf) and some are acronyms (KRS-ONE).
Some are stupid names white people adopted to sound hard (Machine Gun Kelly) and some are just fucking insanity spouted by people with face tattoos (Birdman, Tekashi 6ix9ine).
And then there’s Pitbull. I’m not sure what to make of Pitbull. Or Bad Bunny for that matter. I listened to Bad Bunny once when my pal Mario said he was really popular. I couldn’t understand a damn thing that guy said.
Never judge the parent playing Tupac to pacify their upset child. It takes all kinds in this world and you don’t want people judging you, do you?
The older I get, the more convinced I am reality TV exists to give people in judgment-free lines of work a safe space to judge the shit out of people. You don’t want your OB-GYN judging your poor dating choices? Let them pass judgment on the latest person in the “Bachelor” franchise who signed up to date 30 people at once.
What’s brown, sticky and reeks of Rogaine? Rudy Giulani’s Cologard sample.
Speaking of Cologard, that’s got to be the biggest work in the history of modern medicine. Want to avoid a colonoscopy? Shit in a box and hope for the best!
Let me get this straight: Tennessee loses to Arkansas on the road. Ohio State got blown out by double digits at home. And Ohio State is ranked higher than Tennessee? And 9-3 Alabama is in over Miami? If any of you wonder why I’m such a salty fan, look no further. There’s a very real pro-Bama and anti-Vol bias in sports media. And Lane Kiffin is a bitch.
Can we avoid stupid partisan fights this holiday season? It’d be nice if we stopped disinviting relatives to holiday dinners because they hold some stupid belief like Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie (it is, you bigots, and this is a hill I will DIE ON).
I had to explain to my Mormon neighbor who works in asphalt what happened with the Killdozer guy and now I’m afraid I’m going to get fingered as an accomplice if he snaps one day.
No matter how bad you think you’ve got it, be glad you weren’t Alabama coach Kalen DeBoer begging and pleading on national sports television to be included at the big boys’ table for the playoffs.
And that’s all for this week. Please remember these unsolicited opinions are nothing more than asinine takes posited by a self-professed middle-aged crazy man on the internet. Take none of them seriously, unless you agree with me.
But we can all agree “Ka$h Money Patel” is a hell of a rapper name, right?
Die Hard is absolutely a Christmas movie. The plot depends on NY cop John McClane being in LA to visit his wife for the holidays and Nakatomi Plaza being virtually empty other than a Christmas party. Throw in Christmas music, the Ho Ho Ho message, and the importance of family throughout the story (even Karl wanted to avenge his brother), and there is no debate.
And everyone who disagrees with us are wrong. YAY!
Aside from the argument for National Lampoon there any better Christmas movie?
PS, my wife is one of the Diehard haters… I’m considering having her go to counseling.
As an occasional heavy equipment operator I’m calling BS on your Killdozer opinion. You are just afraid your neighbor won’t ask you to ride along when he has his (or she has her) ‘dozer moment.
What can I say? I’ve got two small kids.
That affects my decisions quite a bit, killdozer or not.
The last poll I saw showed that the Vols are in the playoffs. I agree that Bama probably shouldn’t be in this year, especially after the loss to Vandy. Deboers must have grass stains on the knees of his pants, IYKWIM.
But a big ol’ raspberry to Miami who didn’t take care of business and now my Clempson Cow College Tigers are in with a victory over SMU in the ACC championship game tomorrow night.
I want Clemson to win so badly. That would be great.
“There’s a very real pro-Bama and anti-Vol bias in sports media. And Lane Kiffin is a bitch.”
All True!
“Can we avoid stupid partisan fights this holiday season? It’d be nice if we stopped disinviting relatives to holiday dinners because they hold some stupid belief like Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie (it is, you bigots, and this is a hill I will DIE ON).”
What is a family get together without fights? A holiday without some sort of disagreement would nearly be unAmerican. When I taught Handgun Carry Permit classes, I’d tell my students that if they had relatives who didn’t like guns, and a fuss hadn’t broken by halftime of the first football game to gather the kiddos and do an Eddie The Eagle type gun safety lecture for them. And when the non gun parent said something to go “No need to thank me, it’s a public service.”
And of course, Die Hard is a Christmas Movie!
Enjoy Christmas!!!
I am getting old and simple. I couldn’t make heads or tails out of this piece.
And I love that for you. Happy Holidays!
“…because they hold some stupid belief like Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie.”
I think I remember there being some debate about that at SJ. This reminds me of Apollo Creed being in complete denial about his first fight with Rocky, only to end up catching a bigger whupping the second time around. Just saying…
I’m respectfully vetoing this comment as it goes against Seaton Maxim #1:
Never let something like facts get in the way of a good story.
Don’t give up so easily! That testimony’s value may depend on who was speaking into Mr. Willis’ earpiece.