Friends, it’s February 20, 2025, and I’m officially declaring war on snow. Yes, that fluffy white bastard that turns Knoxville into a scene from The Shining minus the charm of Jack Nicholson chasing me with an axe. I’ve had it. Done. Finito. If I see one more snowflake drift down like it’s auditioning for a Hallmark movie, I’m going to lose what’s left of my mind, and trust me, there ain’t much left after the Girl Scout cookie season gauntlet.
Let’s set the stage. It’s East Tennessee, where winter usually means a light dusting of frost that melts by noon and leaves us free to argue about college football in peace. But no, not this week. This week, Mother Nature decided to cosplay as Elsa from Frozen and dump YET MORE snow on my driveway, my car, and my soul.
I’m not built for this. I’m a Southern boy—my blood’s too thin for anything below 50 degrees, and my survival skills peak at microwaving leftover biscuits. Yet here I am, shoveling snow like some Yankee sucker who thinks this is “character building.” Character? I’ve got plenty. What I don’t have is a functional spine after wrangling that damn shovel.
And don’t get me started on the neighbors. You know the type—those smug bastards who own snowblowers and strut around like they’re auditioning for Ice Road Truckers. “Oh, you don’t have a snowblower, Chris? Should’ve planned ahead!” Yeah, well, I didn’t plan for Armageddon either, Carl, but I’ve still got a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire in the garage if you keep smirking. Meanwhile, my nine-year-old son’s out there trying to build a snowman, but the snow’s so wet it’s more like a snow blob—a pathetic, soggy lump that looks like it’s crying for mercy. I feel you, buddy. I feel you.
The roads? Forget it. Knoxville drivers can barely handle a drizzle without turning I-40 into a demolition derby, so throw in snow and it’s like Mad Max with worse haircuts. I saw a pickup truck spin out trying to pass a salt truck—ironic doesn’t even cover it. The guy climbed out, waved his vape pen at the sky, and yelled, “This is bullshit!” Preach, brother. Preach. I’d join your sermon, but I’m too busy trying not to fishtail into a ditch while muttering prayers to a God who clearly hates me.
Then there’s the power situation. Because nothing says “winter wonderland” like flickering lights and the looming threat of a blackout. My wife’s over here stockpiling candles like we’re prepping for a séance, and I’m wondering if I can bribe the utility company with Thin Mints to keep the heat on. Spoiler: I can’t. Those adorable little cookie-pushing demons already cleaned me out, and now I’m broke and freezing. Perfect.
Look, I get it—snow’s supposed to be magical. Kids love it, Instagram loves it, and somewhere out there, a poet’s scribbling haikus about its delicate beauty. But you know what? That poet can shove it. Snow’s not magical when you’re scraping it off your windshield with a credit card because your wife took off with the one good scraper. It’s not magical when your dog refuses to pee outside and starts eyeing the kids’ toy room carpet like it’s a viable Plan B. And it’s definitely not magical when you realize the grocery store’s out of milk and bread because every Tennessean within 50 miles panic-bought like it’s the apocalypse.
So here’s my proposal: we ban snow. Round it up, ship it to Canada—they seem to like it up there—and let me get back to my life of mild winters and Vols football debates. I’m not asking for much, just a world where I don’t have to dress like a damn Michelin Man to check the mail. Is that too much? Apparently, yes, because as I type this, the forecast says school will be out again tomorrow because of the GODDAMN SNOW. Great. Fantastic. I’m going to go lie down in the yard and let it bury me. Wake me up when it’s spring—or when Sheriff Roy sends Deputy Miranda to dig me out, whichever comes first.
Happy Friday, y’all. Stay warm, stay sane, and if you see Mother Nature, tell her she’s made my list.
And FUCK SNOW.
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Chris, Chris, Chris,
Go Google
“A tiny Central NY town under 100 inches of snow”
That’s not far from me
There are many reasons why I live in the South.
Never suffering 100+ inches of snow is one of those reasons.
Now that’s just mean.
Cheer up!!! The forecast for Knoxville is 60 degrees next week. And it may (might, could) break freezing today!
Oh joy. I’ll believe it when I see it at this point.
We do NOT like it up here, Chris. Arctic Blasts are not a blast, either. It’s been -40 for the past two weeks here (did you know at -40, Celsius and Fahrenheit are the same temperature? That’s pretty friggin cold!) It’s finally warmed up to 5 degrees here (I think that’s 40 degrees for you) so you keep your damn snow, because I’ve had enough of it, thank you very much.
I thought that were supposed to be “beyond snow” by now, because of evil “climate change/ climate disruption/ global warming”.
We’re sure not beyond snow in Knoxville.
I feel your pain! Nashville is having the same, with the same idiotic reactions of drivers and panic-buyers. I once saw someone here abandon a four-wheel drive vehicle in the middle of a busy intersection because there was a quarter inch of snow on the road.
I’m pretty sure you’re allowed to take the vehicle home and cook it for dinner at that point, right?
(Author’s note: kids, this is what we call a JOKE and shouldn’t be taken seriously. I hate I even have to say that.)
Hasn’t that been legal since 1999 thanks to one of Tim Burchett’s less controversial actions?
It’s just desserts for all the smack talk before the game in Columbus. Well, in addition to the outcome. I could say you volunteered for this. Go Bucks.
Southerners complaining about the cold never gets old to this Midwesterner.
At least Neyland Stadium has working indoor bathrooms.
I love the Shoe, but wouldn’t mind it being knocked down in favor of modern facilities. Never been to Neyland South, but it’s on the bucket list. Better luck next year.
I did seven years in Germany, three in Japan and a year in Korea. I hate snow. Pulling a three hour guard shift in a snow storm, walking around a motor pool is not where it’s at. Having said that, I’m a wimp compared to my father’s generation with the Battle of the Bulge and Chosen Reservoir.
That’s why I live I Tucson. I can see snow on the mountains but I have to drive to it.
Nope. It’s gonna hit 75 today and the 80s next week. My kinda weather.
If you want to move there are going to be lots of houses on the market, many with pools.
I’m good here, thanks. It may sound strange but I love this area’s hot, muggy summer nights. That’s my favorite weather here.
Coming from a fellow Knoxvillian, the two best seasons here are April and October.
We got the most snowfall in Ontario in about a decade, 2 or 3 ft within days. The greatly reduced snowfall compared to my youth makes it difficult to justify a costly snowblower. My leg is screwed up from shoveling so I hear you.
My counter point is that major snowfalls are opportunities for community action. Get out to your neighbors (even the ones you don’t get along with) and see if they need help. This has the bonus effect of reminding people that they are surrounded by human beings with generally good intentions. I was having trouble walking but an elderly man with a snowblower cleared the feet of snow that got dumped in my driveway. I helped him clear his daughter’s (who were away) driveway and my retired neighbors’.
Curse the snow while it lasts, but it remains to be seen if fire, flooding and drought are the only banes we’ll face in the coming decades.
I’ll curse whatever weather I feel like cursing.
I enjoy that right as an American.
Hi.
What? No heated cab?
I was so much younger then. I’m older than that now.
That’s what Chris needs to buy, to hell with a snowblower. Plus he would be real popular with the neighbors.
Hrm. Don’t give me ideas.
My family was stationed in Newfoundland, Canada in the early 60’s. Twenty-five feet of snow our first year. Twenty-seven when we left.
I remember my mother climbing out the attic to walk on the roof to get to a position over the front door and dig down to it. She dug a tunnel to the back door of the store we lived behind.
I have not been bothered by snow since then.
Scott, you would need something ten times the size of the Toyota.
If you lived in the real south, like Miami, you wouldn’t have this problem.
Us true MIA/305 southerners have yet to see any snow. just saying.
Yawn, I’m from Buffalo. The South gets ice though, and that is stormy weather.