It’s not that I intentionally set out to do something epically stupid on July 4th.

It just sort of happened. That’s pretty much America in a nutshell, right?

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Last week, I set out to take care of a minor gardening issue while my better half and the children cooked for our annual America Day feast. There are a number of bushes in my front yard and around the side of the house that have overgrown onto the walkway surrounding the property. I’m quite aware of this as the family dog, Poppy, is a ball of muscle with zero physical restraint who loves to pull me into those overgrown branches when we go out for morning walks.

So I went to the garage and did what any normal, red-blooded redneck would’ve done. I grabbed a machete and went to work hacking away at those problematic branches. Which was fine and dandy until I noticed a searing pain in my left hand. A pain so bad I started swearing in languages I don’t know.

I lifted my hand to my face and noticed a large red mass forming on my thumb tip where part of my thumb should’ve been. Yup, I inadvertently Van Gogh’d myself. While I grabbed a mass of paper towels and applied as much pressure as possible, Dr. S and the kids drove me to the local Urgent Care.

Fortunately they were super nice and professional to the idiot who just mangled himself. The PA pronounced the wound as looking far worse than it actually was and cleaned it. I was prescribed antibiotic cream to place on the wound every time I changed the bandage and told to reapply the dressing if it got dirty or wet. I also got a TDAP booster and an admonition to wear gardening gloves in the future.

In an act of heroism, I managed to avoid passing out from shock or pain until we’d all gotten back in the car and started home again. This was not hilarious to my wife, who freaked out when it took a moment to revive me. I however think it’s hilarious that I managed to avoid acting like an oversized infant until everything was in the clear.

So fast forward a week and it’s been really odd noticing how much we use our thumbs. No seriously, I really had no idea how hard it is to type without a left thumb until you essentially can’t. My kids are enjoying mopping the floor with me in games of Mario Kart because I can’t feel the joystick. And manipulating buttons is kind of hit or miss. But other than that I’m doing pretty well.

Are there lessons to be learned? Yes. Gardening gloves: wear them. Proper tools for gardening: use them, for fucks sake! And whatever you do, don’t attack bushes in anger!

Happy Friday, everybody. See you next time!