Dear Friends:

It has come to my attention that CNBC recently published a report on the ten worst states in which to live. Tennessee ranked as the worst state on the entire list.

Today I come to tell you this is not fake news. It is 100 percent true. Tennessee is the worst state in America and you shouldn’t move here. We’re full. Don’t come.

For one, we certainly hate the LGBTQ community. Never you mind that most Tennesseans want to live, love and let live with all our neighbors. Please pay full attention to CNBC’s fear mongering about how we have a bathroom bill that excludes men from peeing and exposing themselves to women and girls.

And yes, we don’t celebrate Pride month here. Forget all the stories about the Pride parades and drag shows we have going on in our state’s more liberal areas. We all hate the gays clearly and the “Nuclear Family Month” was absolutely something Marsha Blackburn and Donald Trump made up and told Bill Lee to implement in state if he wanted to keep his job.

Speaking of Donald Trump: Yes, everyone in Tennessee idolizes him. We all think he’s the second coming of Christ and he can do no wrong whatsoever. If you say “I’m a CEO and tough like Trump,” like John Rose you’re bound to win every election until the end of time.

But remember: we’re just dumb backwoods hillbillies who don’t wear shoes. Our teeth are all rotted from moonshine and Mountain Dew consumption. Do you want your future spawn to grow up in an area where there’s no good dental care? Then avoid Tennessee.

Yes, crime is rampant everywhere. You know who gets off the most in criminal justice encounters around here? The bears. Goddamn bigoted black bears robbing families in the Smokies of their food they leave carelessly out at campsites. None of them care one bit about marginalized brown families and that means this is a hostile state to everyone who isn’t currently a resident.

Don’t forget ICE! We love ICE here. We want all illegals (yes I said it) deported immediately. If you aren’t a legal resident of the United States you should definitely avoid moving to Tennessee. We don’t want you here. People will ask you for your papers everywhere you go. Just move to Arkansas or something.

Fucksake, none of us wear shoes. You like your expensive footwear? They’re illegal in Tennessee. You can’t wear them anywhere in state so just forget about coming here.

Yes, if you were to actually visit Tennessee, you’d recognize most all of us are the friendliest, most inclusive bunch you’ve ever seen. We welcome anyone to our tables and expect y’all to ask for seconds when you try our home cooking.

Just believe what CNBC says because traffic is getting out of hand in Nashville, Memphis and Knoxville. We’re certainly good if you don’t visit Dollywood anytime soon.

So in conclusion, unless you like tobacco spit and dirt floors, you’re better off not even coming to Tennessee. We’re full. Just skip all of our gun-loving asses and go to Alabama.

I hear they love foreigners in Alabama.

Anyway, y’all never come back now, y’hear?

Your pal,
—CLS