Greetings, friends! Wait, we ARE friends, right? I’d like to think so with the amount of time some of you spend here…but I’m already getting off track. WELCOME TO 2026!

Do you have your matter replicators or flying cars yet? No? Me neither. So to ease the pain of all those science fiction promises that have yet to materialize, let’s all gather round the dust bin of history and wish one final “fuck you” and “farewell” to 2025 with this, the Simple Justice Year in Review from yours truly!

As longtime readers know, I usually try to summarize the year in a word. This time the word that fits best in my humble opinion is “turbulent.” Between geopolitical strife, rank stupidity from our elected officials in America, and general stupidity from the public, it seemed like everything was shaking all around us for the duration of the calendar year. And yet here we are, mostly safe and untouched except for the bother of having to keep our proverbial seatbelts fastened for the entirely of the flight.

Now then, let’s fire up the Wayback Machine and head to

JANUARY, where outgoing President Joseph Biden and his trusty autopen were busy pardoning and giving the Presidential Medal of Freedom to everyone in sight. From Hillary Clinton to Anthony Fauci to dear old son Hunter, everyone was getting a taste of Joe’s good graces while the getting was good.

Many in the public asked “Why does (person x) need a pardon if they never did anything wrong to begin with? This seems suspicious.” To which President Biden responded by mumbling something incoherently about a taco.

In California, wildfires destroy much of the Pacific Palisades, torching homes from LA to Malibu and more. Los Angeles firefighters actually ran out of water trying to quell the blazes. Not to worry, though! Governor Gavin Newsom, after noting the lives lost and billions of dollars in damages, declares his job done in his state and declares a run for the Presidency in 2028.

(Well he’s not said anything YET. But brace yourselves.)

Donald J. Trump becomes the 47th President on January 20. He signs a slew of executive orders the moment he gets in the Oval Office, including ones reversing all of Biden’s executive orders, halting aid to foreign countries, and declaring former President Biden a “dumb dummy doodoo head.”

He also fires over a dozen Inspectors General, including many of those involved with previous investigations of alleged wrongdoing on his part. “Don’t worry folks, I’m going to replace them with bigger, more beautiful Inspectors! You watch!” he tells press.

For those overseas who might remember our President was due to be sentenced over some crimes of which he was found guilty, a New York court decided that prison was something we didn’t do to our elected Presidents and that he’d not be serving any sort of jail term or incur some sort of penalty. No word if that judge currently regrets that.

FEBRUARY introduces us to our President’s second favorite “T” word: “Tariff.” Claiming Mexico and Canada have been screwing us for years over “Bad Deals,” Trump announces 25% tariffs on all goods coming from either country. Canada announces immediate 25% tariffs on over $100 billion in US goods in retaliation.

In Washington, much of the focus is on Trump’s cabinet picks. Here’s a look at how that went:

PETE HEGSETH
Dems: “He’s a racist Fox News host who looks like he’s ready to host a Purge night!”
GOP: “He’s good looking and says the right things. CONFIRMED.”

RFK JUNIOR
D: “He’s a crazy person on steroids who says he has a brain parasite and hates vaccines!”
G: “You guys weren’t exactly sane during COVID. CONFIRMED.”

KASH PATEL
D: “ARE YOU SERIOUS? He’s a mental midget who goes through life with a blank googly-eyed stare on his face like a toddler that just sharted!”
G: “…you may have a point there.”
D: “Wait, really?”
G: “SIKE! CONFIRMED and we’re giving him Dan Bongino as a second in command!”

And to close the month, fireworks erupt in the Oval Office during a meeting of President Trump, Vice President Vance and Ukrainian President Vlodomyr Zelenskyy when the leaders come to harsh words over issues regarding the foreign country’s conflict with Russia. In fairness to President Zelenskyy, Ukrainian to Blowhard translators haven’t really been perfected yet.

MARCH sees President Trump deliver the longest speech by any President to Congress, clocking in at a robust 99 minutes. During this speech Trump declares himself the greatest President since Jesus Christ and reiterating his plans to annex Greenland. Yes, Greenland.

TariffPalooza continues as the Canada and Mexico tariffs take effect, along with 20% tariffs on Chinese goods. Canada and China immediately retaliate while Mexico says “Fuck it, ‘ese, let’s go for a cerveza.”

In defense news, Pete Hegseth, our new totally masculine Secretary of Defense, is so excited about blowing up Houthis in Yemen he somehow adds the editor of the Atlantic to a Signal chat of high ranking military officials. The White House proclaims this snafu “No big deal” and “totally intentional,” just like the drone strike that blew up Jeffrey Goldberg’s house later that weekend was “a big oopsie.”

APRIL begins with President Trump announcing “Liberation Day,” which is a series of tariffs levied at damn near every country in the world, even ones with more penguins than people. Failing to explain even coherently why American citizens are now forced to pay more for goods, Trump hollers something about “bad deals” before announcing a pause on all tariffs for 90 days. Except for China, because we don’t like China now.

China announces a raise on tariffs against US goods to 125% in response. Trump, refusing to be out-tariffed, increases the tariffs on Chinese goods to 145%. This game of drunken economic chicken will continue all year.

In somber news, Pope Francis dies after an extended battle with pneumonia and respiratory infections. He is succeeded by Pope Leo XIV, the first American born Pope and a Chicago guy.

New Jersey Senator Cory Booker lives out every narcissistic theater kid’s dream by holding the longest ever one man show—I mean speech—on the Senate floor at twenty-five hours without peeing.

MAY sees President Trump negotiating with the Qatari government for a brand new Air Force One after declaring the current one “Not fit for my glorious orange posterior to grace!” Not really; he says he can get a fantastic new Air Force One for free without once stopping to think what kinds of listening devices or other gadgets might be installed on a jet a foreign Islamic government gives away.

To our north, King Charles III visits Canada and gives a speech that begins with a land acknowledgement. Yes, you read that correctly. The King of the country that lets Canada exist with its permission began a speech from the Throne by claiming he sat on stolen land.

We’re better off without Britain. We really are.

In JUNE seven American B-2 Bombers take off from Missouri and drops 14 “Bunker Buster” bombs in Iran as part of an effort to “TOTALLY OBLITERATE” ( our President’s words) the country’s nuclear program, which we’ve been told for years was Really Close To A Bomb You Guys but never did anything about. Miraculously the editor of the New Yorker was left out of the Signal Chat for this strike.

New York City Democrats pick Zohran Mamdani, a Muslim immigrant from Uganda who is an avowed socialist, as their primary candidate for mayor. Mamdani runs on a promise of “making things more affordable,” which sounds fantastic until you realize the details involve free stuff that probably isn’t going to happen.

And Trump sends the National Guard to LA to help with protests against ICE actions. This is a good idea in theory until Guardsmen report back Iran is a more mission-friendly environment than the 101 Freeway.

Rap mogul Sean “P. Diddy” Combs is convicted in JULY on counts of transportation for prostitution, racketeering and sex trafficking. The term “Diddy Party” enters the American lexicon as a result of this trial. If you don’t know what a Diddy Party is, bless your heart and thank the good Lord for the innocence you still retain.

In Washington, President Trump signs into law what he refers to as his “One Big Beautiful Bill,” a budget bill that is Big but certainly by no means “Beautiful” to anyone who wants to curtail government spending.

An incident at a Coldplay concert reminds everyone of a golden rule: a smile and a wave bores the Kiss Cam away and saves you millions in a divorce settlement.

Finally in news of manufactured outrage, American Eagle comes under fire for ads featuring actress and model Sydney Sweeney, in which the blonde, blue-eyed white lady declares she has “Great Jeans.” This is ruled “White Supremacy” by our wokescold betters.

The top story in AUGUST, by all accounts, is the engagement of pop star Taylor Swift to boyfriend Travis Kelce, featuring a ring that can be seen from the International Space Station.

President Trump orders the National Guard into DC to help clean up the streets and curtail what he claims is out of control crime. In reality, it’s actually an attempt to stop people from talking about what’s really bothering people: why the Epstein files haven’t been released.

And in market news, Cracker Barrel faces outrage and backlash after a new executive changes its logo and remodels a few restaurants. The retaliation against the company is so severe and swift Cracker Barrel announces it’s reversing course later and apologizes to the five podcast hosts who complained. They announce they’ll find something to be outraged over next week.

SEPTEMBER sees conservative activist Charlie Kirk assassinated at a speaking event. This is resoundingly condemned on all sides of the political aisle as a bad thing and everyone decides to calm the tone in our country down a few notches.

SURPRISE! That didn’t happen at all. A disturbing number of people actually celebrated Kirk’s death or justified it by taking words he said to college kids out of context. Others blamed “Israel” or “DA JOOS” for the killing while people once close to Kirk start true-crime “Whodunit” shows about the murder casting suspicion on Kirk’s wife and “Egyptian planes.”

Kirk’s alleged assassin surrenders in days to the police. Officials are surprised to learn he’s a gay man with a furry boyfriend who’s transitioning. I’ve got nothing there.

Disney suspends Jimmy Kimmel after insensitive comments made about Kirk’s death air. FCC Chair Brendan Carr makes some noise about revoking Disney’s broadcast license. This doesn’t happen and Kimmel returns to his audience of ten people a few weeks later.

Our government shuts down in OCTOBER over subsidies for undocumented migrants in the ACA expiring and a general refusal by anyone to agree on anything except releasing the Epstein Files.

Undaunted by this, Trump demolishes the East Wing of the White House to make way for a big new ballroom which he announces will be paid for by private donations. No word yet on whether Meta and Google will place robotic butlers in the ballroom or how much information those robotic butlers will siphon to their Silicon Valley masters.

Overseas the Louvre is robbed by several creative individuals who make off with more than $100 million in jewelry. No real jokes here; this is just a triumph of the can-do human spirit that will make for a great Discovery ID docuseries one day.

And Federal authorities indict over thirty people in connection with an insider betting ring in the NBA. Fans of the NBA are promptly shocked to learn that (a) White guys from the mob are involved with the NBA and (b) that their sport is faker than the WWE.

NOVEMBER begins with the House Oversight committee releasing over 20,000 pages of Epstein texts and emails that reveal right up until the disgraced financier’s passing he remained in contact with many prominent people and served as the Deputy Commissioner of the NBA.

Pete “CALL ME SECWAR DAMMIT” Hegseth bombs boats in Venezuelan waters he insists are drug boats loaded with Fentanyl bound for the USA. When the validity of these strikers under international law is questioned, Hegseth challenged the naysayers to push-up contests.

And the humble penny, the smallest unit of US Currency, is discontinued. Stores respond by demanding you either pay exact change or round your purchase up by a nickel.

The biggest story of this month was a drunken raccoon. I’m not making this up. A raccoon got into a Virginia ABC store’s supply of moonshine and peanut butter liquor, overindulging himself and eventually passing out in a bathroom where he was found by store employees the following morning. This story trends on Google as a clear sign we’re done with 2025’s shit.

DECEMBER at least brought Christmas which stopped people from talking about Donald Trump for a few days. At least until an independent “journalist” releases video on Twitter of several Somali run daycares allegedly engaging in fraud. This sparks outrage online and pauses Federal payments to childcare centers around the country to places like the “Quality Learning Center.” Outraged over the loss of free money, the daycares immediately begin busing in children to prove they were totally legit businesses.

One center holds a press conference where the manager, a guy rocking two thousand dollar designer eyeglasses, announces thieves broke in and conveniently stole all of the documents they needed to prove they were a Real Daycare with Real Kids, Honest!

Folks with a pulse keep this in mind for the next tax season.

And so we say adieu to 2025 friends. I hope you’ve enjoyed this walk down memory lane with me. Here’s to a brighter, happier 2026. Take care of yourselves and we’ll see you next time!