BREAKING NEWS MUSIC PLAYS

Good evening. This is your No BS Nightly News. I’m Paul Marcarelli.

In the wake of a massive cellphone outage across the United States following the removal of Venezuelan dictator Nicolas Maduro and the shooting of a mother in Minneapolis by an ICE agent, everyone across the political spectrum came together on Wednesday night to share one common opinion: our cellphone networks are shit, and the major carriers can kiss our asses.

What began as an outage solely affecting millions of Verizon customers Wednesday night spiraled by the evening to include AT&T, T-Mobile, US Cellular and Sprint customers. However, the majority of the public’s ire seemed to be directed at Verizon on surveying Twitter.

“Dude what the actual fuck it’s been two hours since I could stream “The Gutter Shit” by Ice Cube on Spotify” said one Memphis resident. “How am I supposed to practice my C-walk if I can’t hear Cube remind me to ‘Keep it Gangsta’?”

“If I can’t livestream IShowStupid on Twixch then I don’t know what I’ll do with my life,” said an LA man. “I just got into his recent tour of Africa where he got mauled by a Cheetah trying to race one and I need to know what happens next!”

Several business owners remarked the outage drastically affected their incomes. Sasha Stormy, a top Only304s creator said she lost approximately $200,000 USD during the outage because she couldn’t post topless pictures to her legions of sex-starved incels.

Podcasters pontificated during live broadcasts about the spillover effects on the economy. As Jim Tool noted on his nightly “Toolcast IRL” show “Dude, we’re cooked. I can’t get Instacart or Doordash here to the studio and my guests can’t call Ubers or Lyfts. How are we supposed to function as a business? What happens from here? Is this an Iranian cyberattack?”

Spotting one potential motive, podcaster Carla Steen told her audience Egyptian planes had been spotted by her contacts in the US military earlier in the day conducting flyovers of Verizon’s company headquarters. “That’s just proof Benjamin Netanyahu and the Mossad want our communications grid down for whatever degeneracy they have planned next!”

Mr. Tool responded to Ms. Steen’s broadcast by calling her an “ignorant cunt for blaming everything on the Mossad.”

“Your wife has a penis,” Steen responded on Twitter.

And in the rest of the world sane folks exhaled in relief when they realized that yes, they couldn’t call anyone—but those who annoyed them most couldn’t call them either.

But that’s good news, folks, and that doesn’t sell in today’s modern media landscape. So pretend you didn’t hear that, okay?

To return to our top story, Verizon told customers today a $20 credit would be applied to all affected users. Those who experienced outages should get a text from Verizon informing them of the credit’s availability. If the text isn’t received in a week, customers are advised to check their text spam folders. If that isn’t found, then Verizon says “tough titties.”

The film at eleven is “The Black Phone” starring Ethan Hawke.

Goodnight and have a better tomorrow.

BREAKING NEWS OUTRO PLAYS