There’s nothing quite like the convenience and splendor of luxury cruise ships these days. You’re on a boat housing the population of Nashville that contains all manner of amenities designed to relax, entertain, and separate you from more of your hard-earned money than you originally intended to spend.

My ship was 25 decks of heaven. There were two theaters, a comedy club, restaurants open twenty-four hours a day, and a replica of a British rock club where the Beatles used to play. The pool deck had two pools separated by age, hot tubs, a splash pad and two waterslides that hung over the side of the ship.

And that’s just the start. There were arcades, a casino, a go-kart racetrack, a nine hole mini-golf course, and the main dining areas as well. Plus the one thing every adult goes for on a cruise: bars every sixty feet.

Our first day was at sea, which was nice because it forced my wife and I to relax. Actually, it really forced my wife to relax. I can go with the flow anywhere and do reasonably well. She’s the power vacationer who has to go, see and do as much as possible. Getting her to turn her brain off and be inactive, I imagined, would be good for her.

Cruise ships really put an emphasis on safety for travelers. If you’re traveling with someone who has a food allergy make sure you let the dining room manager know on day one. They’ll probably have you pre-order their food the night before so the kitchen’s not scrambling to accommodate your requests. It’s a small thing, your meals go faster when you do this, and they already likely have the next day’s menu ready when you show up for breakfast.

The entertainment on the cruise ship was top notch. The headlining comedians on board split the duties between the 7 PM “family friendly” show and the adults-only 9 PM gig, so we got to see both with the kids. Quick tip there: if you sit in the front row you’re giving the comedian permission to rip into you. It’s a fun time though if you can laugh at yourself.

Avoid the spas! One massage means you’re going in for a “consultation” at first where you’ll be given the hardest upsell you’ve ever seen in your life. Plus the treatments are approximately three times what you’d pay on land for the same services. But if you’ve got faith in the freakishly strong hands of Filipino and Indonesian women and don’t mind the upcharge, you’ll be okay.

Smoking and vaping are frowned upon in just about every part of the ship. Mine had two locations for those looking to get their nicotine fix: a cigar lounge that was very nice but catered solely to cigar smokers and a “smoking lounge” on the pool deck that amounted to a very smelly plexiglass cage constantly occupied by those who want to light up.

The one upshot to the pool deck’s smoking area, as best I could tell, is one of the bartenders near the cage took pity on its denizens and usually gave them preferential treatment at the bar when serving. It may have been just to get the smell away from the other travelers as quickly as possible, but it was a nice touch.

Most of you considering cruises probably wonder about the packages. There’s drink packages, internet packages, and even packages you can purchase that give you extra onboard credit should you sail with that cruise line again. I can say after a week of next to no internet usage the wifi isn’t necessary. You won’t be arguing with folks on Twitter, but the upshot? They can’t argue back. Now with the average price of a cocktail being $17? Yeah, go get you the drink package if that’s your thing. You’ll end up saving money long term. You’ll remember less of the cruise too, but memories are overrated, right?

Our first night at sea we ran into a bit of rough water that actually caused the ship to rock ever so slightly in the ocean at night. It’s a testament to the design of cruise ships that a massive boat like that could only be felt moving a teensy bit twenty decks up. It’s also a testament to the power and fury of the open ocean that the sea can cause a massive boat to rock at all.

A final tip: make sure you keep your Cruise Card with you at all times if possible. You’ll use it to sign in for meals, pay for drinks, and even power on your stateroom lights and outlets. It helps to keep them on lanyards if you have one: I took a lanyard clearly bearing the logo of another cruise line and attached it to my cruise card this voyage. That was a “hack” if I ever saw one: in a field of cruise cards to manage at bars and restaurants mine was one of four on the boat bearing the competition’s insignia.

Next stop: The Dominican Republic, where we swim with dolphins and meet the Cruise Ship Karen! See y’all then!