TO: College Football Playoff Committee
FROM: Me
RE: Tuesday’s bullshit

Dear Learned Persons of the CFP Committee:

Like every good SEC Football fan I watched the initial rankings you posted on Tuesday, November 3, 2026. After viewing the rankings on ESPN and listening to the ensuing discussion, I have two questions.

1. With all due respect, what the fuck is wrong with you people?
2. With all due respect, are you high and what are you smoking?

You ranked Alabama at #5 in the initial Playoff Rankings. Tennessee is at #13. I humbly invite all of your moronic asses to make this shit make sense.

Tennessee and Alabama are both 6-2 as of this writing. Tennessee’s two losses are to Texas and South Carolina. Both losses are by a field goal. Three fucking points, dipshits.

Alabama, however, has two losses to Georgia (by a field goal) and one other team. Say it, you ingrates. Say it: They lost to Tennessee.

Not only did the vaunted Crimson Tide lose to the Vols, they got the brakes beaten off them. The final score was 26-10. Keelon Russell and the mighty Tide offense looked like JV middle schoolers when Jim Knowles’ defense finally spit their worthless carcasses out.

TEN POINTS IS NOT A RESPECTABLE FOOTBALL SCORE IN AMERICA.
TEN POINTS IS A CREDIT SCORE IN ALABAMA, NITWITS.

But somehow, SOMEHOW, despite Alabama losing every time they come to Neyland Stadium now, despite Alabama looking like a bunch of cheese-dicked imbeciles, you chose to rank Alabama eight spots above the team that absolutely humbled them.

Oh I hear your excuses already. “But Alabama beat Kentucky and the Wildcats are a top-ranked team this year, so they were sorted into a different selection pod than Tennessee.”

GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK.

Kentucky hasn’t been relevant in college football in decades. You know how I know that? Because the Vols haven’t been since 1998 and we REGULARLY BEAT KENTUCKY.

And we’re going to do it again this year, you fuckwads. What are your precious rankings going to look like when Tennessee hoists the beer barrel again this year after neutering the ‘Cats in Neyland YET AGAIN?

Look, I know it’s hard for you folks to get off the Crimson and Houndstooth train. I really do. Nick Saban is arguably the greatest college coach of all time, and he gave the Vols fits for his entire career in Alabama.

That ended the day Joshua Heupel and the Vols knuckle-balled a field goal through the uprights to snap Alabama’s win streak against UT. We remember it well in Knoxville. The air smelled like cigar smoke for a week and we lost our goal posts to the Tennessee River.

Kalen DeBoer’s Tide is more focused on painting their nails to promote team unity and keeping their emotional support teddies on the bus for when they lose another shocker. Tennessee’s busy proving why they can beat anyone on any given day.

And yet y’all still decide to openly verbally fellate the Tide.

When—and I repeat when—the Vols beat Kentucky this Saturday I best see a goddamn reversal of fortune, savvy? I will not be happy with anything less than Tennessee at 5 and the Tide ranked at least 13. Because Alabama is not a good football team this year.

And all of you know it.

You’re just too busy holding onto the narratives of the past and ignoring the SEC’s future.

Which happens to be Pantone 151 orange colored.

Sincerely yours,
—CLS