What Not To Wear, SJW Halloween Edition

After last year’s trauma at Yale, sensitive parents are wondering what they can do to prevent their children from being beaten by the mob.  Fortunately, I’m here to help. No need to thank me. It’s for the children*.

halloween

Dress your child in the wrong costume at your peril, as the socially just will do what they have to do to protect themselves from the trauma of seeing your darling little pirate and suffering terminal PTSD.

littleshits

That’s right. It’s not just that they’ll be denied candy. It’s not that they’ll be humiliated and turned away for being a cultural appropriator who microaggresses some homeowner by dehumanizing them with a Superman outfit (Kryptonians have feelings too, you scumbag). Expect legal action as well.

After all, when you dress your “annoying little shits” as a sexist princess, you are intentionally traumatizing the woman of the house. Don’t you care about other people at all, you shitlord?

So what should you pick out for a tolerant, sensitive costume for your kid?  How about sexy SJW?

trigglypuff

No, it’s not an easy look to pull off, but isn’t it worth it to save some homeowner from tears?

But no, you cisheteronormative white landowner, you aren’t relieved from your privilege either. What treat do you plan to hand out to the beautiful children who come to your door? Don’t even think of giving them fun-sized gluten-free PayDay bars!  Just the thought of it makes me literally shake.

hershey-payday-bar-1-85oz-24-count

Where do you think you live, in the land of opportunity?

And have a Happy and socially just Halloween.

*Edit: Realizing that some wouldn’t realize the poster (and this post) are parody, it seemed only fair to add in the link after the post was originally published. Good parody can be hard to discern. See Poe’s Law.

60 thoughts on “What Not To Wear, SJW Halloween Edition

  1. REvers

    Pay Days are full of peanuts, so that’s a double no-no. Allergies, you know.

    I’m giving out tofu-covered kale chips. But only to the ones dressed as victims.

    1. Erik H.

      Google “The Teal Pumpkin Project”

      There are various folks pushing people to give non-food allergy-free treats instead of candy.

    1. SHG Post author

      The poster is a parody of social justice. You’re a parody of the opposite. You meant to be that, right?

  2. libarbarian

    I hate to burst the bubble, but it’s a pretty obvious parody account.

    “From the group that brought you such classics as Gaia’s Dancing Indigo Children, and “Hey everyone, Look, I’m a doctor with a revoked license,” comes a new page with even more ridiculous posts. We practice half ass medicine and encourage everyone to abandon their physician and stick to eating grass and shoving crystals up your corn hole. Trust me, I’m a doctor, sort of,”

  3. Robert

    According to snopes,com, the poster and the quote were intended as satire of SJWs, but have been widely misunderstood as something created by actual SJW’s.

  4. libarbarian

    Well, that last reply wasn’t up when I started writing. I guess you knew it was not serious. I should have known you would know….

    1. SHG Post author

      Nice of you to start a new thread to say so. Have you met my old friend, the reply button?

      After the first few comments, I realize that it wasn’t obvious to everyone that this was parody, so I added in a link and footnote. Good parody makes its point, and the fact that it isn’t obvious despite how outrageously ridiculous it is is what makes the point count.

  5. grberry

    Aw, they left out speciesist. Clearly no dressing up as animals either, lest some critter be offended.

    1. SHG Post author

      Native American girl. I mean indigenous girl. I mean indigenous person of the female persuasive. I mean…no, that’s perverted. What was the question again?

        1. Patrick Maupin

          So what you(r 6 friends) feel is Pre-Teen Squaw Desire?

          I can see how it would be difficult to cope with that in modern society.

  6. Pedantic grammar police

    The obvious solution is a standard Halloween costume. Let’s have a committee of transgender hate crime victims make the final decision, but I’m rooting for the white unisex jumpsuit with reflectors for safety and black letters that say “Halloween costume” with a prominent ID number for easy identification and a tracking microchip.

    1. Wolfear

      Catching up on back reading, so late to the party.
      You realize the white jumpsuits would just enable all the Kubrick haters, not to mention the potential for a Black Fonts Matter movement.

      1. David Stretton

        Can do! Suggestions for costume modification to indicate transness welcome.

        Also, how to show how terribly, terribly alone he is.

          1. Nick Lidakis

            Dear Mr. Greenfield,

            Thank you for ruining Oktoberfest 2016.

            Sincerely,

            Sausage Lovers Everywhere

  7. Jim Tyre

    Scott, Scott, Scott, I never realized that you’re such a racist.

    All Hallows Eve is a celebration of ghosts of the dead returning to earth. Ghosts, unlike many living humans, are all white. Take one look at Caspar and then try to deny my point.

  8. Lucas Beauchamp

    No one mentions the particular egregious cultural appropriation on Halloween, which is the cultural appropriation of Halloween itself. Celebration of a British holiday by children of other cultures is deeply offensive. When Mexican trick or treaters knock on my door, I slam it in their faces.

    Don’t get me started about the Williams sisters culturally appropriating tennis.

  9. Richard G. Kopf

    SHG,

    If a diminutive but creepy clown shows up at the door on All Hallows’ Evening , what is the proper SJW’s response?*

    All the best.

    RGK

    *I am asking for David Meyer-Lindenberg.

  10. Alanlaird

    My near-3 year old daughter routinely says, “Poof, I’m the dragon. Poof, you’re the princess.” Our costumes came naturally. Must I shave my pits?

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