Don’t Make Them Kill The Weed Doggies

Hey, if you’re going to believe anything anyone says when it tugs on your heartstrings, why not the cops? After all, who doesn’t love the cute, adorable drug-sniffing dogs?

The training director of a police K-9 academy in Illinois claims that if the state legalizes recreational marijuana, it will likely have to euthanize “a number” of its pot-sniffing dogs, The Pantagraph reports.

There are approximately 275 trained narcotic K-9s in Illinois, with each costing the department thousands of dollars. Replacing the dogs would cost millions, and Chad Larner, the director of Maron County’s K-9 Training Academy, said “retraining” the dogs would be “extreme abuse.”

Not just abuse, which would be horrifying and exhausting, but “extreme abuse.” Would you want a dog to suffer extreme abuse? What kind of a human being are you?

“At this point, they’re trained on five different odors,” explained the Normal Police Department’s assistant police chief, Steve Petrilli, a former K-9 handler. “Once they’re programed with that, you can’t just deprogram them.” The dogs are also trained against being social in order to be effective workers, which led Larner to suggest “a number” of the K-9s would have to be euthanized in the event that marijuana is legalized, The Pantagraph writes.

Euthanized? Murdered. So you’re willing to murder doggies just so you can smoke your weed, get high and munch your stoner-loving Cheetos? And that’s worth the life of a dog that has given its life to protect you from inchoate junkies?

Of course, there are already states where marijuana has been legalized and, get ready for this, they didn’t kill the pups. Some were retrained, which turns out to neither be impossible nor extreme abuse, but just a pretty ordinary and harmless thing to do. Or they retired them, and they spent the rest of their days frolicking happily on the farm.

The pitch, of course, is asinine, but then it’s understandable why the police have taken a stance against the legalization of marijuana. It’s always been a great source of busts, which means more cops, more overtime, more medals and something to do during the day to keep them from being bored and lonely.

As it turns out, legalization of weed is something with broad bipartisan support. Perhaps that has something to do with most Americans having toked at some point in their secret felonious life, and realized they neither turned into raving madmen, devolved into junkies nor ruined their lives. It’s hard to sell the Reefer Madness narrative to people who’ve been there, which includes pretty much everyone but Jeff Sessions.

But the most curious aspect of this extraordinarily ridiculous pitch to stem the wave of marijuana legalization is its play on emotion and ignorance. You don’t know what happens with drug dogs, so maybe they can’t retrain them. Maybe they will have to be murdered. Maybe. Can you live with dead puppies on your conscience?

There will be many who hear this pitch and call it out as the obvious nonsense it is, but there will be some who fall for any claim, any sad story that makes their eyes tear up and their hearts melt down. You know, the same folks to whom empathetic writers appeal when they begin their story with that heartfelt anecdote that proves nothing or is the exception that proves the point. But you can’t be bothered thinking about it, as you’re too busy feeling about it. And that’s so very much easier.

The Illinois police have been watching this as well, and figured it couldn’t hurt to make their play. Granted, the appeals to officer safety when not even remotely threatened only works with a select group for whom no cop should ever risk a paper cut. But here were dogs, and who doesn’t love dogs?

The same dogs you cry over when a cop mistakenly enters the wrong yard and Fluffy assumes an aggressive stance by wagging her tail at the officer, who is forced to put seventeen bullets into this vicious creature. You cry for Fluffy. Why not for K-9 Officer McGruff?

It appears that this pitch didn’t have legs, and engendered ridicule and a lot of people reacting with chuckles instead of tears. But that doesn’t mean the concept has been disproven. Hell, if progressives can love Preet Bharara and Sally Yates for no better reason than they got canned by Trump, anything is possible. You’ve already proven you’re myopic morons. Now they’re just dickering over the price.

The “kill the dogs” pitch may not have worked, but expect the cops, not to mention a broad array of public officials, to continue to play to your emotions in the hope that your brain won’t kick in. Whether they get away with it is up to you, to us, but then, once you let a muscle atrophy, it’s really hard to get it working again. And you weren’t too keen on thinking before, as it made your head hurt. Why start now?

 

18 comments on “Don’t Make Them Kill The Weed Doggies

  1. wilbur

    “Or they retired them, and they spent the rest of their days frolicking happily on the farm.”

    Get a bong, little doggies.

      1. Patrick Maupin

        Agreed. Surprised shg didn’t seem to get the reference, but then he’s not from round here.

            1. Skink

              This would be a good place for “I’ll Never Smoke Weed With Willie Again.” If only I could. . .

  2. Skink

    ” It’s always been a great source of busts, which means more cops, more overtime, more medals and something to do during the day to keep them from being bored and lonely.”

    It’s really the equation no one wants to talk about:
    legal dope + self-driving cars + no new cops to fund the retirement plan = how did this fucking happen?

    1. Fubar

      ” … and something to do during the day to keep them from being bored and lonely.”

  3. Dan

    “It’s always been a great source of busts, which means more cops, more overtime, more medals and something to do during the day to keep them from being bored and lonely.”

    …not to mention a great source of funds (and other property) to the department by way of “civil” asset forfeiture.

  4. Frank

    “After all, who doesn’t love the cute, adorable drug-sniffing dogs?”

    Me, for one. So should anyone who knows about Clever Hans.

    1. SHG Post author

      Yes, Frank. We know. We all know. In fact, we know so well that it went without saying until you got here.

  5. B. McLeod

    I think they’re ripping off the old National Lampoon “Buy this book or we’ll shoot this puppy” ad.

  6. Anonymous Coward

    It’s amazing how creative police spokesmen get when something threatens to break their rice bowl. Also why is this guy so upset about killing dogs, isn’t that something police do all the time?

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