By the time you read this Halloween will be over and we’ll be headed toward Thanksgiving. It’s a shame, really. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, a night where the ghouls, ghosts, and things that go bump in the night get a chance to party. Fortunately, there’s always next year, and I’m in a giving mood, so today’s Friday Funny are some tips to enhance your Halloween 2020 experience.
- First, disregard any “news” article warning parents of adults slipping THC laced candy to kids on Halloween. That stuff is expensive, adults pay good money for it, and odds are if they’ve got it they’re not sharing. Especially not with kids.
Another baseless fear is that of teen vandals out to egg cars or roll houses with toilet paper. American teens would much rather spend their time and energy playing Fortnite on their iToys than committing acts of vandalism. If you’re really scared, don’t call the cops. Defend your castle like a fucking adult. I’ve personally found bear traps, motion activated security systems, and a lifelike replica of Pennywise the Clown works for me.
Let’s talk candy distribution. It is perfectly acceptable to hand out “fun size” candy bars on Halloween. Kids will try and persuade you otherwise. They’re kids and don’t understand the value of money. Grab a bag or two at the grocery store and you’re set for the night.
There are two candies unsuitable for distribution on Halloween: the nasty, chalky Smarties substitutes and candy corn. Especially candy corn, the existence of which is an embarrassment to the candy making profession. In fact, if you’re reading this and are somehow part of the production or distribution of candy corn, finish reading this post and then apologize to a person for your existence.
Costumes are a must. No one should go out on Halloween without a costume. Here’s some last minute Halloween costume suggestions for you in case you’re in a pinch:
*Cut eye holes in a paper bag and write in black marker “I AM NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE” on the bag’s face. Place the bag on your head. You’re Shia LeBouf mid-mental breakdown!
*Stroll the haunt of your choosing glaring at everyone with hostile gazes. If someone makes eye contact, run up to them and in an outraged voice yell, “Did you just assume my gender, bigot?” BOOM! You’re a third-wave intersectional feminist!
*Got access to a golf cart and some friends? You’re a Campus Bias Response Team!
It really is only limited by your imagination, dear readers.
- Get stopped by a cop on Halloween? Here’s a fun thing to try. After you hand the officer your license, registration and proof of insurance, flash the officer a big smile and say “Happy Halloween! What are you supposed to be, a cop?” They’ll appreciate your holiday spirit!
If anyone asks you how much you’ve had to drink that night, especially if it’s a cop, muster your best Count Von Count impression from youthful Sesame Street viewings and say “Van! Two! Three! Three beers! Ah Ah Aaah, I love to count!” Your chances of winning a dose of free Thorazine that night just doubled!
Taking kids out for trick or treating? Make sure you warn them of the dangers of razor blades in candy bars. Even though that’s an urban legend, it’s important for parents to pass that tale down through generations as an excuse to keep all the good shit for yourself as you “inspect the candy.”
This tip’s aimed at the ladies: It’s 2019. There are arguably more professional women in the workforce than men. Please leave the sexy/slutty nurse or doctor costumes at home and dress as a respectable member of the profession. And none of this Catholic School Girl stuff either. Why not a Catholic Schoolteacher? Educators matter too!
Keep the old traditions alive. Watch scary movies. Tell ghost stories. I plan on regaling my kids this year with a spooky ghost story about a girl who carried a mattress around a college campus for a year. If that doesn’t get them, I’ll just say “Mary Anne Franks” out loud three times until that nutjob appears out of thin air. Try it sometime. It works.
Avoid any parties or gatherings where you’re handed lists of “unacceptable” or “inappropriate” Halloween costumes. No one at any such get-together will be fun or possess the slightest idea of how to have a good time.
Here’s a fun way to hand out candy. When kids come to your door, yell “Trick or Treat!” and extend their candy buckets, stare at them for a minute or two, breathing heavily, and mutter in a gruff voice “Hey, you kids want some candy?” Enjoy the expressions on their little faces before you hand out the goods.
One final good way to hand out candy. Before even opening the door, put your phone in one hand and the candy container in the other. Don’t let the kids even say “Trick or Treat.” Just open the door yelling into your phone “Yes, I wanted the goddamn cheeseburger! Why do you think I ordered it, motherfucker?” Now smile at little Timmy and Ainslee as you hand out the candy. Enjoy their reactions.
That’s all for this week. Have a good weekend, and come back next Friday for more. Funny stuff, that is. Not Halloween tips. This isn’t a damn Mommy blog.