Seaton: Helpful Hints for Happy Halloweens

By the time you read this Halloween will be over and we’ll be headed toward Thanksgiving. It’s a shame, really. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, a night where the ghouls, ghosts, and things that go bump in the night get a chance to party. Fortunately, there’s always next year, and I’m in a giving mood, so today’s Friday Funny are some tips to enhance your Halloween 2020 experience.

  1. First, disregard any “news” article warning parents of adults slipping THC laced candy to kids on Halloween. That stuff is expensive, adults pay good money for it, and odds are if they’ve got it they’re not sharing. Especially not with kids.

  2. Another baseless fear is that of teen vandals out to egg cars or roll houses with toilet paper. American teens would much rather spend their time and energy playing Fortnite on their iToys than committing acts of vandalism. If you’re really scared, don’t call the cops. Defend your castle like a fucking adult. I’ve personally found bear traps, motion activated security systems, and a lifelike replica of Pennywise the Clown works for me.

  3. Let’s talk candy distribution. It is perfectly acceptable to hand out “fun size” candy bars on Halloween. Kids will try and persuade you otherwise. They’re kids and don’t understand the value of money. Grab a bag or two at the grocery store and you’re set for the night.

  4. There are two candies unsuitable for distribution on Halloween: the nasty, chalky Smarties substitutes and candy corn. Especially candy corn, the existence of which is an embarrassment to the candy making profession. In fact, if you’re reading this and are somehow part of the production or distribution of candy corn, finish reading this post and then apologize to a person for your existence.

  5. Costumes are a must. No one should go out on Halloween without a costume. Here’s some last minute Halloween costume suggestions for you in case you’re in a pinch:

*Cut eye holes in a paper bag and write in black marker “I AM NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE” on the bag’s face. Place the bag on your head. You’re Shia LeBouf mid-mental breakdown!
*Stroll the haunt of your choosing glaring at everyone with hostile gazes. If someone makes eye contact, run up to them and in an outraged voice yell, “Did you just assume my gender, bigot?” BOOM! You’re a third-wave intersectional feminist!
*Got access to a golf cart and some friends? You’re a Campus Bias Response Team!

It really is only limited by your imagination, dear readers.

  1. Get stopped by a cop on Halloween? Here’s a fun thing to try. After you hand the officer your license, registration and proof of insurance, flash the officer a big smile and say “Happy Halloween! What are you supposed to be, a cop?” They’ll appreciate your holiday spirit!

  2. If anyone asks you how much you’ve had to drink that night, especially if it’s a cop, muster your best Count Von Count impression from youthful Sesame Street viewings and say “Van! Two! Three! Three beers! Ah Ah Aaah, I love to count!” Your chances of winning a dose of free Thorazine that night just doubled!

  3. Taking kids out for trick or treating? Make sure you warn them of the dangers of razor blades in candy bars. Even though that’s an urban legend, it’s important for parents to pass that tale down through generations as an excuse to keep all the good shit for yourself as you “inspect the candy.”

  4. This tip’s aimed at the ladies: It’s 2019. There are arguably more professional women in the workforce than men. Please leave the sexy/slutty nurse or doctor costumes at home and dress as a respectable member of the profession. And none of this Catholic School Girl stuff either. Why not a Catholic Schoolteacher? Educators matter too!

  5. Keep the old traditions alive. Watch scary movies. Tell ghost stories. I plan on regaling my kids this year with a spooky ghost story about a girl who carried a mattress around a college campus for a year. If that doesn’t get them, I’ll just say “Mary Anne Franks” out loud three times until that nutjob appears out of thin air. Try it sometime. It works.

  6. Avoid any parties or gatherings where you’re handed lists of “unacceptable” or “inappropriate” Halloween costumes. No one at any such get-together will be fun or possess the slightest idea of how to have a good time.

  7. Here’s a fun way to hand out candy. When kids come to your door, yell “Trick or Treat!” and extend their candy buckets, stare at them for a minute or two, breathing heavily, and mutter in a gruff voice “Hey, you kids want some candy?” Enjoy the expressions on their little faces before you hand out the goods.

  8. One final good way to hand out candy. Before even opening the door, put your phone in one hand and the candy container in the other. Don’t let the kids even say “Trick or Treat.” Just open the door yelling into your phone “Yes, I wanted the goddamn cheeseburger! Why do you think I ordered it, motherfucker?” Now smile at little Timmy and Ainslee as you hand out the candy. Enjoy their reactions.

That’s all for this week. Have a good weekend, and come back next Friday for more. Funny stuff, that is. Not Halloween tips. This isn’t a damn Mommy blog.

30 thoughts on “Seaton: Helpful Hints for Happy Halloweens

  1. wilbur

    When someone used to ask me what I was going to be for Halloween, I would reply “a cold air duct”, just to see their reaction.

    1. SHG

      Dr. SJ asked me what I was going as this year and I told her “sexy remorse” so I wouldn’t need to buy a costume.

      1. CLS

        It was too cold to participate in any Halloween activities after a certain hour, so I turned the lights off, stayed inside and went as Kevin Spacey’s career.

  2. Hunting Guy

    We have some teens and 20 somethings that come around with minimal costumes, if they bother to dress up at all.

    I give them Ramen instead of candy. It’s cheaper and I love the looks on their faces.

    1. CLS

      This is a marvelous idea when it comes to dealing with millennial trick-or-treaters. If they want to put in the bare minimum effort for the holiday they should be rewarded with a bare minimum food substance.

  3. DaveL

    a lifelike replica of Pennywise the Clown works for me.

    What, and go through all the trouble muscling that thing down from the master bedroom, only to have to lug it back a few days later?

    1. CLS

      What makes you think I keep it in the master bedroom? I’m not Jim Tyre. That’s not my kind of thing.
      It stays in the garage.

        1. B. McLeod

          I’m still waiting for the clown-horror genre sequel featuring Poundfoolish, the rapey and moronic cousin of Pennywise.

      1. Timothy Knox

        Spooky! It just so happens that I was listening to this track as I was reading this column.

        Also, Mr Seaton, I love the paper bag with “I AM NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE” as a costume idea. I wish I’d thought of it for this year, but next year, I definitely will have. 😉

  4. Richard Kopf

    Chris,

    Hang a sign on your front door and put a bag near it. The sign should read: “Kiddies, don’t ring the bell, drop the candy you got from the neighbors in the bag and you won’t be sliced up like the piece of meat you are!”

    We did it again this year. And, not one little tyke rang our doorbell. But our bag was near full.

    After we put our dentures in, we munched on some of the free candy, and went to bed at 8:30 pm.

    All the best.

    RGK

    PS. Contrary to legend, old people hate children.

    1. CLS

      We took the kids to an assisted living facility this year for trick-or-treating. Most of the residents were happy to see kids in the building. In fact, only one old man told my two kiddos to fuck off.

        1. CLS

          Don’t. The only downside was having to explain to my son that we don’t say words like that in public. Both were more interested in the candy anyway.

  5. Grant

    [1] If in a future life I ever become a teenager intent on committing acts of vandalism, stealing a sweet replica of Pennywise will be a lot higher on my list than egging some car or house.

    [2] You omitted advice on what to do with teenagers show up expecting candy with no costumes. In keeping with your other advice involving police interactions, it should be something that gets you thrown in jail, but not be illegal. I thus recommend giving them CDs of George Carlin’s 7 Dirty Words. You should be able to get off scott free upon a showing that teenagers don’t know how to use CDs anymore.

      1. Grant

        You should be able to get off not-guilty-and-paying-Mr.-Greenfield’s-usual-customary-reasonable-and-well-deserved-contractual-rate-as-set-forth-in-his-written-retainer-agreement, then.

    1. CLS

      1. People have tried. That’s what the recessed taser cables in Pennywise’s eyes are for.
      2. I didn’t have any advice to give, but you can bet thanks to Hunting Guy I’m stocking up on Ramen next season.

  6. B. McLeod

    I will just say this. If you are out with your guitar, and an odd, elderly person with archaic speech patterns falls into step beside you and wants you to come play a party, be careful. They may offer you free mead and a bag of gold, and all the strange people at the hall may well look elegant enough. However, when you step out the door just before dawn, you may find that the hall has vanished behind you. When you look in the bag, the gold will have become common stones. Also, as you encounter other people beginning to go about their day, you will note they have adopted a scandalous manner of dress and conduct. Soon, you will further realize that roughly two hundred years have passed since the previous evening. Crazy people will be fighting with each other to control the country, and assholes purporting to speak for the legal profession will expect you to use nonsense words instead of pronouns, because they can no longer distinguish between men and women. If anyone rings a church bell, you are probably screwed proper, but fortunately, there won’t be many of those left around. Anyway, all in all, it’s probably better just to watch where you sit down to drink mead and play music. Just a word to the wise on all that.

    1. CLS

      In the words of noted legal scholar and sage Randy Jackson, “Yeah, that’ll be a no from me, dog.”

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