Seaton: When Elmo Goes Woke

Prefatory note: I was handed the following text from an intern at Children’s Workshop. The bastards finally did it. They got to Sesame Street.

INTRO WITH GRAPHICS
(notify Standards and Practices of lyric change)

La la, la la, la la, la la, Elmo’s world.
La la, la la, la la, la la, Elmo’s world.

Elmo loves his trans friends, and cis friends too,

That’s Elmo’s world!
INT: ELMO’S ROOM

ELMO: Hi! Welcome to Elmo’s world! Elmo’s so happy to see you today! And so is Elmo’s non-binary goldfish, Dorothy!

CUT TO SHOT OF DOROTHY IN FISHBOWL. CUT TO ELMO.

ELMO: Guess what Elmo’s thinking about today.

DO DO DO DOOO!

ELMO: Toxic masculinity! That’s right. If you identify as a boy, Elmo found out from his teachers you’re bad. If you’re a girl, Elmo knows you’re a good person! Elmo’s still trying to figure out what happens if you’re a trans boy or girl. How can we find out more about toxic masculinity?

DRAWER APPEARS

ELMO: Maybe Drawer has something in it that can teach us about toxic masculinity!

DRAWER STRETCHES OPEN

CUE FIVE MINUTE VO OF ROXANE GAY DISCUSSING TOXIC MASCULINITY WITH STOCK FOOTAGE OF CHILDREN PLAYING.

RETURN TO ELMO’S ROOM.

ELMO: Wow, Elmo had no idea being a boy was so problematic! Good thing Elmo is a monster, and monsters are non-binary. How can we learn more about toxic masculinity?

COMPUTER BOUNCES INTO FRAME

COMPUTER: Elmo has mail! Elmo has mail! Elmo has mail!

ELMO: Oh, Elmo has an email! Come here, silly computer!

COMPUTER STOPS.

COMPUTER: Elmo has mail!

ELMO OPENS HIS EMAIL. WE SEE COOKIE MONSTER. ELMO CLICKS ON EMAIL.

COOKIE MONSTER: Elmo. It is Cookie Monster, coming to say goodbye. Cookie monster went to Hooper’s today and asked the lady at counter for cookie. Lady at counter accused Cookie of misgendering lady-er, man. Cookie Monster now banned from Twitter, Facebook, and YouTube. And Cookie Monster never called the man the other C word, no matter what anyone says. Cookie Canceled. Bye, Elmo.

EMAIL GOES DARK. ELMO FACES CAMERA.

ELMO: Oh, no. Elmo doesn’t want to see his friends canceled. But as we talked about last week, pronouns are very important in Elmo’s world. We still need to talk about toxic masculinity. How can we find out more?

ELMO GOES TO WINDOW.

ELMO: Elmo will ask a Teen Vogue writer. Oh Teen Vogue writer!

WINDOW OPENS. TEEN VOGUE WRITERS ARE DIAGRAMMING ON A WHITE BOARD IDEAS FOR NEW ANAL SEX ARTICLES.

ELMO TURNS IN SHOCK.

ELMO: Elmo just thinks he’s seen something Elmo will never unsee. But how we can we learn more about toxic masculinity?

KNOCK ON DOOR. DOOR OPENS. ENTER SCOTT GREENFIELD.

SHG: How about talking to a man?

ELMO: Nah, toxic men are canceled in Elmo’s world. Bye Bye!

DOOR SLAMS SHUT ON SHG.

ELMO: Elmo can’t stand toxic masculinity so much he wrote a song about it. You can sing along too!

PIANO ROLLS UP. ROXANE GAY, MARY ANNE FRANKS, AND MICHELE DAUBER JOIN ELMO AT PIANO. ELMO PLAYS

All men suck, all men suck,

Alll men suck,

All men suck, all men suck

All men suck!
All men suck, all men suck,

Alll men suuuck,

All men suck, all men suck,
We think all men suck!

ELMO’S MUSIC PLAYS

ELMO: Oh we’ve had such fun learning about toxic masculinity this week! Come back next week when we talk with Elmo’s friend Greta Thunberg about climate change! Unless you’re a man. Men aren’t invited to Elmo’s world anymore. Bye bye! Elmo loves you!

ROLL CREDITS.

Happy Friday, everyone. This actually was a nightmare I had a few days ago, so I thought it best to make all of you endure it.

See you next week!

If you’re still with me, Sunday is my 39th birthday. If I could ask one thing of the Friday Funny readers, it would be to consider helping out an acquaintance of mine with his dream of starting a board game company. Please consider giving to his Kickstarter for Pass The Anthrax if I’ve made you chuckle even once. $8 gives you a cool card game to play with friends and helps a blind guy with limited options do what he loves for a living.

17 thoughts on “Seaton: When Elmo Goes Woke

  1. B. McLeod

    Clearly, Elmo will be the next ABA President-Elect.

    On an unrelated point, this is the THIRD time Roxane Gay has appeared here this week, and now she’s writing Elmo’s music. He’s not New York Timey! When can we hear from the Boggy Sodom Boys?

    Reply
  2. L. Phillips

    I’d wondered what CLS was good for (although his moniker does sound like a high strength bathroom cleaning product) but now have to admit that his suggestion did finish up my Christmas shopping. Enough “Anthrax” for all the family!

    Reply
    1. CLS

      Despite your snarky comment about my initials sounding like a bathroom cleaning product, I can’t thank you enough for supporting my pal’s dream and giving your entire family Anthrax for Christmas. Thank you so much. It means a lot.

      Reply
      1. albeed

        As far as cleaning products go, CLS is close to LSR – Lime Scale Remover (a good product).

        Now if only your initials were SLS, you may be able to handle Roxanne, SLS – Slime Scale Remover.

        Reply
    1. CLS

      Someone do a welfare check on Jim Tyre, please? He said something remotely nice to me. I’m worried about his mental state.

      Reply
  3. John V. Burger

    Well, that was certainly disturbing. I always knew Elmo was slightly off but I couldn’t put my finger on why. I am glad to see Sesame Street is finally discussing important issues for toddlers and young children. Frankly, why did it take so long. I mean, just the other day, I was talking to our neighbor’s 2 year old child about important things in life and the child (finally!) admitted that the child is transpecies. The child believes he/she/it is/are a multidimensional aardvark.

    Anyways, Happy Birthday.

    jvb

    Reply
    1. CLS

      I’ve been suspicious of that little red shit ever since he stole Big Bird’s top spot on Sesame Street. I have no clue what deal Elmo struck to steal Big Bird’s spotlight, but it must have been with a high-ranking demon.

      Anyway, Today’s Friday Funny is brought to you by the letters F and O, and the number 69!

      Thanks for the well wishes, and I applaud the bravery of your neighbor’s multidimensional aardvark child. Very woke!

      Reply
    2. B. McLeod

      “Species dysphoria.” It’s a thing. You are supposed to refer to the child by its “name within the Furry Fandom.” If Rule 8.4(g) is ever adopted, all Furries encountered during professional activities must be so addressed (it would be offensive not to).

      Reply
  4. Richard Kopf

    Chris,

    Happy Birthday! For many reasons, I have helped to pass the anthrax but most especially ’cause you continue to restore my faith in (some) young lawyers.

    All the best.

    RGK

    Reply
    1. CLS

      Thanks, Judge. I’m honored and humbled.

      And you’ve given me a spectacular idea for a prank.

      When you get your copy, take it to work with you one day. Put on a long face as you arrive at the office. When one of your staffers asks what’s wrong, say “I got Anthrax in the mail.”

      As they start to freak out, pull the game out and smile broadly, saying “A fun card game called “Pass the Anthrax! Who wants to try it?”

      The reactions would be absolutely priceless.

      Before anyone starts, I already know I’m going to hell, so there’s no point in telling me putting an idea like this into a Federal Judge’s head is one more indicator.

      Reply
      1. Richard G. Kopf

        CSL,

        There is no hell, except when I sentence people. Besides, you little, young shit. I subscribed ’cause I wanted the fucking T shirt. I don’t prank my staff. They write my stuff, and they could easily make me appear the fool that I am.

        All the best.

        RGK

        Reply

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