Tuesday I saw an abomination at my son’s day care. It stood in the lobby, taller than both of us, green, and covered in lights. Someone put a fucking Christmas tree up on November 12th.
Did I miss a memo? Are we no longer even putting Thanksgiving in the calendar as a holiday? Why are we going from Halloween straight to Christmas now? This is the fault of those fucking millennials, isn’t it?
Thanksgiving is an important holiday on the calendar. It’s the one time of the year when we celebrate the greatest of all things American: eating massive amounts of food, imbibing beverages of all sorts, getting into arguments with your uncle who posts stupid shit on Facebook, and eventually falling asleep on the couch watching football.
Don’t give me any of that history buff horseshit about commemorating a day when the Pilgrims feasted with the Indians to give thanks for all their blessings. Holidays evolve, and this one is about all the excesses that make America the wonderful country it is. Be grateful you’ve got a day to loosen the belt a notch, pound back a few more cold ones, and end the day watching grown men wearing body armor slam repeatedly into each other for your entertainment.
And those of you wokescolds who want to whine about celebrating the “unfair white colonialism” or “normalizing the original white supremacy,” you can kiss my redneck ass. Taking shit that doesn’t belong to us is practically an American invention. It’s not one that always looks good on us, but we might as well own up to it instead of letting people at Everyday Feminism or The Root guilt us out of turkey. Those asshats will give you enough guilt for the rest of the year. Enjoy this one fucking day.
Don’t have family in town to celebrate Thanksgiving with? Alienated your family in a race to the terminally progressive abyss? The millennials came up with something you’ll enjoy: “Friendsgiving.” It’s what us adults call “having a dinner party with friends,” but you can use the name “Friendsgiving” if it makes you feel better. Go enjoy the company of the people you like to hang out with.
Make sure you bring something to your Thanksgiving celebration. Cooking is an important life skill. If you’re not especially kitchen savvy, I have great news for you. That little black rectangle you keep on your person at all times has access to these things called “recipes.” If you follow the step by step directions correctly, you’ll create actual food. Even if it doesn’t turn out well, your company or partygoers will appreciate the effort.
Not the confrontational type? If you’re not ready to listen to Aunt Tammy’s impassioned speech after her fourth gin and tonic about why the Cheeto in Chief is the greatest thing since sliced bread, go watch football. Or pretend you’re watching football. It’s a great diversion.
No friends or family to celebrate with? Not really into cooking? Order yourself some takeout and reflect on all the ways you’ve got it good in life. Unless you’re a retail store owner making employees work on Black Friday. Then you should give thanks by bringing all your employees nourishments while they spend time away from their families preparing to make you some money.
To close, life is too short to not take celebrations when we can. Holiday gatherings like Thanksgiving remind us of just how much we take for granted and give us a chance to stop and smell the roses, the turkey, stuffing, and that nice bottle of wine your Uncle Ricky brought at the 7-11. So celebrate Thanksgiving and put up your Christmas stuff at least two days after, if you’re so inclined. It’s the right thing to do, and you know it.