Seaton: With Apologies To Dr. Seuss

Prefatory Note: the following was written almost two years ago in honor of “National Dr. Seuss Day” as a tribute to the beloved children’s author. As many of you may not have seen the original post, I’ve decided to bring it back this week.—CLS

I am an inmate in a prison near you.

I am Oaf
Oaf I am

That Oaf-I-Am!
That Oaf-I-Am!
I do not like that Oaf-I-Am!

Do you like
Nutraloaf?

I do not like that,
Oaf-I-Am!
I do not like that
Nutraloaf!

Would you like it
in your cell?

I would not like it
In my cell!
I just don’t like
The way it smells!
I do not like that Nutraloaf
I do not like it, you’re an Oaf!

Would you like it
In Ad Seg?
Would you like it
With an egg?

I would not like it
In Ad Seg!
I would not like it
With an egg!
I would not like it
In my cell!

I cannot stand
The way it smells!
I do not like that Nutraloaf!
I do not like it, you’re an Oaf.
Would you eat it
With a cellie?
Would you eat it
With some jelly?

Not with a cellie.
Not with some jelly.
Not in Ad Seg.
Not with an egg.
I would not eat it in my cell.
I cannot stand the way it smells!
I would not eat that Nutraloaf.
I do not like it, Mister Oaf.

Would you, could you,
In handcuffs?
Eat it! Eat it!
Here’s the stuff!

I would not, could not
In handcuffs!

You may like it
You will see!
You may like it
It’s all you’ll need!
It is not, is not all I need.
Not in handcuffs! Please let me be!
I do not like it with some jelly
I do not like it with a cellie
I do not like it in Ad Seg
I do not like it with an egg
I do not like it in my cell
I cannot stand the way it smells!
I will not eat that Nutraloaf!
I do not like it, you’re an Oaf!

A tase! A tase!
A tase! A tase!
Could you, would you,
If I tased?

Not with a tase! It’s not my need!
No not in handcuffs! Please let me be!
I would not, could not, with some jelly
I would not, could not with a cellie
I will not eat it in Ad Seg
I will not eat it with an egg
I will not eat it in my cell
I cannot stand the way it smells
I will not eat that Nutraloaf!
I do not like it, you big fat Oaf!

Say!
Without meds?
Here without meds?
Would you, could you, without meds?
I would not, could not,
without meds.

Would you, could you,
With a beating?

Not without meds. Please, no beating.
Your words have me file a grievance meeting
Not with a tase, not with handcuffs
Your words are truly nightmarish stuff
Not with some jelly, not with a cellie
Not in Ad Seg, not with an egg
Not in my cell, because it smells
I cannot eat that Nutraloaf
When will you learn, you stupid Oaf?
You don’t like it
So you say
After I punish you
You just may

interlude for beating, spray with boiling water, and torture

Say!
I do like that Nutraloaf!
I do like it, and you’re not an Oaf!

I would eat it without meds
I would eat it in my bed
I would eat it with a cellie
I would eat it with some jelly
I would eat it in Ad Seg
I would eat it with an egg
I would eat it in my cell
Never mind the way it smells!

So I will eat it in my cell
I will eat it despite the smell
I will eat it in Ad Seg
I will eat it with an egg
I will eat it with a cellie
I will eat it with some jelly
I will eat it without meds
I would eat it handcuffed in bed
I do so love this Nutraloaf!
Thank you, officer, Not-An-Oaf!

6 thoughts on “Seaton: With Apologies To Dr. Seuss

  1. Richard Kopf

    CLS,

    Several decades ago, I wrote an opinion about Nutraloaf ruling for the prison. I purposely wrote it to be funny. It was. My law clerks, a proper bunch generally, thought I should issue it. I didn’t. Rather, I entirely rewrote it just like any other opinion. As I said, the prison won.

    I didn’t issue the funny opinion, one I was quite proud of actually, because of a mental picture that stuck in my head and I couldn’t shake off. How would the poor bastard in special management look and feel when he read “my laugh out loud” missive? Dejected at best, suicidal at worst, and probably so angry that he would get himself into even more trouble. In short, assuming the prisoner in my case was not one of the many batshit crazies housed in special management, a funny opinion ruling against him would serve a just the latest in a continuing series of cruel events that proved to him that life sucks and he was really fucked.

    Your ode to Dr. Seuss and loaf brings back memories of when I once had empathy. I am slightly angry with you as a result.

    All the best.

    RGK

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