Seaton: #ButHisEmails, Dispatches From Mud Lick, V.3

Prefatory Note: I got several messages from “StickyWeeks,” my informant with a private Discord Channel, over the holidays involving some rather explosive messages from the Mud Lick Sheriff’s Department’s email server. I provide them to you, the SJ readership, as a public service.—CLS

December 26, 2019
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
RE: Boxing Day Reminders

Good morning everyone. I hope all of you had a safe and wonderful Christmas. The following are some important reminders as we leave one holiday and head to another.

  1. As all of you know, possession, use, or sale of fireworks is strictly prohibited in Mud Lick. However, as this year marks the close of a decade, the Town Elders have decided to make an exception. This year residents will be allowed to purchase firework permits at a price of $25 per firework, with all proceeds going to the building of the Nick Saban wing of the Mud Lick Public Library. Francine has a stack of applications on her desk if any of you are inclined to apply. All forms must be submitted to the Municipal Building.
  1. I will not be taking the Christmas tree in the bullpen down by myself this year. I’ve done it for the past three years in a row. All of you can draw lots or work together to figure out who’s taking care of the job, but I want it done by next Monday.
  1. Please wash your coffee cups. I hate that I have to say this to grown men and women in my department, but a love of the dirty brown bean does not give my Deputies and staff a free pass on leaving dirty brown cups in the break room sink.

Fraternally,
Sheriff Roy

December 27, 2019
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
RE: Firework Permit Sales

I am pleased to inform everyone that in the last 24 hours over 200 firework permits have been processed by the Municipal Building. Such a selfless act of charity by our town residents is amazing. It’s a testament to how much Mud Lick loves its library.

Francine, please see about signing Deputy Tyrone up for some sort of financial management class. He asked if he could borrow $20 this morning, claiming he was broke. I don’t have access to his bank statements but we pay him enough to where he should have something saved.

Fraternally,
Sheriff Roy

December 28, 2019
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
RE Live PD crew in town!

This is an exciting moment for our Sheriff’s Department. I’m proud to announce that a crew from the TV series Live PD will be following Deputy Miranda for a week as part of their show. Everyone congratulate Deputy Miranda on this honor.

I don’t need to tell you how much this will impact our department financially, so let’s make sure we put on a good face and show the country how Mud Lick has respect for the law.

I will need two volunteers to keep Deputy Tyrone busy while Live PD is in town. We’re low on funds to send him on another Epcot vacation. See Francine if you’re interested.

Fraternally,
Sheriff Roy

December 29, 2019
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
RE: Locker Room Hazing

Ladies and Gentlemen:

It has come to my attention that a person or persons in this department have violated our zero-tolerance hazing policy with our newest recruit.

Deputy Ray Albers, fresh from St. Ann, Missouri, apparently found his locker defaced with a sheriff’s badge motif neatly printed with the words “WELCOME DEPUTY GO FUCK YOURSELF.”

This is not how we operate as a department, and not how we show Southern Hospitality. I expect the offending parties to own up to their misdeeds by the end of the day.

Fraternally,
Sheriff Roy

December 30, 2019
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
RE: Firework permit sales issue

Hello all:

It has come to my attention that Mud Lick Municipal Employees have processed almost ten thousand firework permits to date.

Our town has a population of just over one thousand. If this figure is correct, that’s just about ten fireworks per citizen, including women and children.

I need clarification on this matter. The Municipal Building’s phones are down, so I need someone to check this out and report back today.

Fraternally,
Sheriff Roy

January 1, 2020
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
RE: Last night

Happy New Year.

I trust after the events of last night we’ll not have another “firework permit” issue in Mud Lick again. If the Town Elders ever decide to do this again while I’m Sheriff it will be my last day leading this Department.

Mud Lick is a quiet town. We have rules here and people enjoy the peace and quiet. I don’t care if it was New Year’s Eve, I never want my town lit up like the Gaza Strip again.

I may seem harsh this morning. You try having your son come wailing to you in the middle of the night with pitiful cries of “Daddy, I can’t sleep! It’s too loud!” and see how well you start your day.

Also, Deputy Tyrone is looking for a new place to stay after his house burned to the ground. If you purchased a firework permit, please leave your name with Francine. As far as I’m concerned, it makes you first on the list of volunteers to have Deputy Tyrone as your new roommate.

I am taking a personal day and going back to bed. If anyone disturbs me I will shoot you.

Fraternally,
Sheriff Roy

11 thoughts on “Seaton: #ButHisEmails, Dispatches From Mud Lick, V.3

  1. Richard Kopf

    CLS,

    Sheriff Roy remarked that “I never want my town lit up like the Gaza Strip again.” If he really feels that way, then he should buy an”Iron Dome” defense system similar to the one used by Israel from the ocean of cash generated by selling over 10,000 fireworks licenses at $25 a pop.

    I simply don’t understand the Sheriff’s reluctance to allow the good people of Mudlick to have a little fun even if it means tons of errant bottle rockets and several house fires. Hell, train Deputy Tyrone to operate the “Iron Dome” and you have, so to say, killed two birds with one stone. Remember: “Give a Man a Fish, and You Feed Him for a Day. Teach a Man To Fish, and You Feed Him for a Lifetime.

    All the best.

    RGK

    Reply
    1. CLS

      Judge, you raise an interesting idea, but those funds were marked for a literacy project, not implements of war. And there’s no way in hell Sheriff Roy would ever allow Deputy Tyrone to operate an interceptor missile system. He doesn’t even get access to a firearm or a police cruiser.

      Reply
      1. Richard Kopf

        CLS,

        I don’t why the Sheriff doubts the abilities of Deputy Tyrone hidden just below the surface. I understand there are guys near the airport in Tehran with idiosyncrasies similar to those of the deputy. Iran still allows them to push the interceptor missile button. How bad could it be?

        All the best.

        RGK

        Reply
  2. L. Phillips

    With respect, Judge, the truism you sited at the end of your post is somewhat different from that taught in wildlife enforcement according to several wardens of my acquaintance. For your consideration: “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will deplete the resource.”

    Your analogy still works, just in a more ‘down to earth” fashion.

    Reply
    1. CLS

      Respectfully, no it doesn’t work. You’re both talking about handing a complete moron who can’t be trusted with a police car, much less a firearm, control of a missile battery.

      Now it becomes “Give a dumbass a missile, he’ll blow up a building. Teach him how to fire them and you can kiss your entire town goodbye.”

      Reply

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