Seaton: News You Need To Know

You’re going to hear enough about the impeachment trial all week next week, so I thought today we’d go through some various items of interest you might have missed.

  1. Chief Justice Roberts used the phrase “OK Boomer’’ during oral arguments before the Supreme Court this week. According to court watchers, this was a test run for Roberts’ attempts to make Supreme Court opinions more accessible to millennials. Expect the Chief Justice to begin adding “yeet,” “on fleek,” “extra,” and “bougie” to future penned opinions.
  2. Disgraced media mogul Harvey Weinstein’s legal team asked again for a change of venue, claiming there’s no way he can get a fair trial in Manhattan. The newly requested venue is apparently Snake Island.
  3. Danielle Citron is disturbed “cyberstalking apps” designed for helicopter parents might enable domestic abusers. In other news, Danielle Citron is currently cyberstalking her BFF Mary Anne Franks on Facebook. Franks is currently getting a vanilla latte and reading Emily Giffin’s novel “All We Ever Wanted,” in case you were curious.
  4. Elizabeth Warren announced her plan to cancel student debt via executive order on day one of her presidency if elected. Larry Tribe later thanked Ms. Warren for proving he’s not the only Harvard Law alumnus who doesn’t know a damn thing about how government works.
  5. Stephen King announced the title of his newest thriller, “Cancelled on Twitter,” after expressing controversial opinions on the alleged lack of diversity in this year’s Oscar nominees.
  6. Most of Russia’s government resigned after Vladmir Putin proposed constitutional changes that would extend his term as President. Citing the need for public discussion on the matter, President Putin promised to hold nationwide town halls with people who agree with everything he says.
  7. Julian Edelman, star wide receiver for the New England Patriots, was arrested and charged with misdemeanor vandalism Saturday for jumping on the hood of a Mercedes. Prosecutors are expected to drop all charges because unlike some people, Edelman knew enough to shut up and let Robert Kraft’s lawyers do the talking.
  8. Outrage clickbait website Slate recently named Amazon “The most evil tech company.” Mark Zuckerberg is said to be taking the loss in stride and making tweaks to Facebook’s algorithm’s in an effort to secure the top honors next year.
  9. Wrestling legend Rocky “Soul Man” Johnson passed this week at age 75. While his professional career is notable, he’s probably best known to the general public as the father of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Without Rocky Johnson there would be no “Hobbes and Shaw” or “Jumanji” reboot. Additionally, WWE Chairman Vince McMahon would be about $3-4 billion poorer.
  10. Finally, “Bachelor” contestant Victoria Fuller sparked anger online when photos surfaced of her modeling for a “White Lives Matter” clothing brand. The clothes were supposedly made to raise awareness for the conservation of White Marlin fish, but that didn’t stop hordes of Twitter users from judging a woman whose sound taste has her competing with twenty other women for the heart of one guy on a reality show.

7 thoughts on “Seaton: News You Need To Know

  1. Richard Kopf

    CLS,

    I love lists.

    Regarding point 5 and the Stephen King controversy about whether diversity ought to be considered when judging art, there is an another story right under the piece about King. As I shall explain, it should not be overlooked.

    Indeed, I suppose due to my age, I think that other piece should have been a part of your list. It is entitled: “How To Empty Your Bowels Every Morning – Top Surgeon Explains How.”

    It is, for reasons too obvious to state, inclusive of everyone. It is also a trenchant commentary on art in its own right–remember “Piss Christ.”

    All the best.

    RGK

      1. Richard Kopf

        SHG,

        Actually, Serrano should be considered merely a pretender.

        For the real thing, see Piero Manzoni Artist’s Shit 1961. 90 cans worth. Each one numbered.

        It is not known exactly how many cans of Artist’s Shit were sold within Manzoni’s lifetime, but a receipt dated 23 August 1962 certifies that Manzoni sold one to Alberto Lùcia for 30 grams of 18-carat gold.

        I hope this sets the record straight. All the best.

        RGK

            1. CLS

              Our resident jurist isn’t entirely wrong here. If my memory serves me correctly, Bob Ross never sold a single painting created during his run with PBS’s “The Joy Of Painting.” Each piece was donated to a PBS station for their work.

              Happy little trees are actually priceless after all.

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