Seaton: Horrible Book Titles For A Greater Good

I recently stumbled on a book with a rather horrendous title. The book is “I Wish My Kids Had Cancer: A Family Surviving The Autism Epidemic.” Michael Alan, the book’s author, apparently has two children with autism and the tome “intimately, honestly, and powerfully, addresses the emotional, social, financial, political and medical aspects of a family fighting for their very existence.”

The title is tone deaf. The premise is idiotic. This twelve-year-old book’s been bashed so many times that addressing it further would be like beating a dead horse until the corpse squeaks. I am not concerned with the book or its substance, however.

What intrigues me about this book is the profound outrage the title alone sustains so many years after the publication. Many slam the book, professing they will never read it, yet the longevity of Alan’s book speaks volumes about what one can do with a tone-deaf, asinine book title.

Maybe we could culturally appropriate some tone-deaf, outrage-provoking book titles to help raise awareness to criminal justice issues? Here are a few suggestions to start the conversation.

“Your Baby’s Getting Shanked: A Family’s Struggle To Raise Bail Money For A Pot Offense.”

“Surprise, You’re A Rapist! A Young Man’s Guide To College In A Title IX World.”

“Jimmy’s Getting Probation While Kwame Gets Four Days In Lockup.”

“Ten Violent Felons Released: Orleans Parish And The Struggle For Gideon.”

“Bite Marks, Bedknobs, Broomsticks, And Other Junk Science Jailing Innocent People.”

“Credibly Accused: Justifying Revisiting Every Male Indiscretion Every Day.”

“Only Guilty People Refuse To Testify.”

“But DNA Said He Did It: Why That Rat Bastard Deserves Life Despite The Mountain Of Exculpatory Evidence.”

“Hey Siri, What’s The Presumption Of Innocence?”

“Life Plus Cancer Is Better Than The Needle.”

“Why Sex Offender Registries Need App Store Clearance.”

“Eliminating Batson Challenges In Our Color-Blind System.”

“No Trial, But I Only Spent Four Days In County: Why Plea Deals Are A Must.”

And that’s just a start. We’re on our way to turning Michael Alan’s blunder into a tool for good. Got your own suggestions for book titles? Let’s see them in the comments.

18 thoughts on “Seaton: Horrible Book Titles For A Greater Good

  1. Howl

    “Soap On A Rope: The Essential Guide To Preparing Care Packages For The Incarcerated”

    “A Snitch In Time Saves Nine (Years): Creative Storytelling For Sentence Reduction”

  2. Richard Kopf


    Let me recommend another book for your shelf:

    “If you can’t afford justice, you don’t deserve it–pay up or rot,” a book by SHG. It contains illustrations and a forward by Skink.

    The back jacket reprints a snippet of Mario Machado’s review in the New York Times. “If you are one of the 100 million people who care deeply about lawyers who are unjustly deprived of a Lamborghini, this book is for you. It really pulls on the heart strings.”

    All the best.


    1. CLS

      You missed my blurb on the back jacket.

      “They didn’t pay me enough for a better review. Just buy the book.”

  3. Mike Guenther

    “How I Learned To Live And Love In Cell Block C.”

    ” How To Make Hootch Out Of Common Prison Food” by Bernie Madoff

  4. CLS

    I forgot one in my original list SHG and Squawk would smack me down for not adding.

    “But He Said Girls!: Problematic Misgendering Of Clients During Arraignment.”

  5. C. Dove

    Who Wet My Pants? It’s not the Crime, . . . it’s the Coverup. (Actual book title. I know I lose creativity points, but it’s still early-ish on the West Coast.)

    1. CLS

      It’s allowed for the purpose of this post, because it’s the Friday Funny and I can’t believe I just looked this up and am shaking my head that this book exists. And it’s for kids.

    1. Guitardave

      Ch. 1- Motion and Inertia- Identity Recovery vs. “Going for it”
      Ch. 2- Physics- Gravity, Balance, and “The Dance”
      Ch. 3-Welcome to the Club
      Ch. 4-Pressure Dynamics-
      4a. Table 1-Variant force vectors for organic structures.
      4b. Table 2-Pressure tolerances for respiratory and circulatory systems.
      Ch.5-Round Hole, Square Peg-Getting the Perp in The Car.
      Postscript; How to write a job application for a small town police force.

      1. Guitardave

        …and don’t forget to check out his other bestseller
        Pavlov’s Trigger-The Canine Uncertainty Principle and Why You Should Never Trust Fido.

      2. L. Phillips

        Oh, great. Dave outlined the whole book. Guess I have to write it now. Where is Ragnar Benson when I need him?

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