Dear SJ Readers:
After numerous discussions with my mean-ass editor this week, it is with a heavy heart that I am forced to announce that the Friday Funny will be suspended, effective immediately, for at least seven days due to coronavirus concerns.
“But Chris,” you might say, “this is just a blog post chock full of your one-liners, silly zingers, and semi-fictional stories you write each week to make us smile!” I know, I know. This move is not taken lightly and out of an abundance of caution to keep you, the SJ reader, as healthy as possible.
“Um, Chris,” others of you are murmuring, “Viruses don’t spread by reading blog posts!” That’s true. However, look at the seriousness with which other institutions are handling COVID-19. Schools are going online for the remainder of the year. March Madness is going to play out in empty arenas. The NBA has suspended its season indefinitely. Hell, Wrestlemania’s in danger. Something must be done!*
“Now you’re being ridiculous, Chris,” others might say. “Those are public events, and those measures are being taken to protect people through social distancing.” I know. It’s going to be important we all practice social distancing as much as possible while we as a collective group make our way through the coronavirus. So I’m going to not write dumb jokes for at least seven days to make sure I’m properly away from everyone.
“But Chris, you have a duty to write these weekly zingers for us!” I have a family, too, and my first and foremost duty is to them. How am I going to take care of my family if I get the coronavirus from writing these posts? I cannot risk that. You’ll have to wait at least a week. It’s okay, you’ll manage.
It’s important to note we’re tentatively suspending the Friday Funny at SJ for seven days. The suspension could be longer. After all, this is officially a pandemic. I have no idea why this means I can’t buy toilet paper at Kroger, but you’ve got to take that into account. We’ll let you know if and when the suspension is lifted.
Worry not for your humble humorist. I’m personally quite healthy at the present moment and not experiencing even the slightest symptom of coronavirus. However, I’m informed people can go five days without showing symptoms. You and I could have the coronavirus right now, feel healthy, and we’ll be self-quarantined within the week. So it’s important we keep our collective distance to stay healthy and coronavirus-free.
“Chris, we told you already blog posts don’t carry COVID-19!” Yeah, I heard you. Like I said, this is out of an abundance of caution. We have to say healthy and safe.
Thank you all for your patience and understanding in this trying time. We’ll touch base soon. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to see a man about some hand sanitizer.
Best,
—CLS
*Look, it’s The Syllogism!
**Yes, this is two weeks of me making coronavirus jokes. It’s not my fault; this nonsense keeps getting so ridiculous I have to make fun of it. Besides, who doesn’t love topical humor?
***Have a safe, healthy and coronavirus-free weekend! We’ll see you next Friday!
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I believe we discussed last week what precautions must be taken with those who drink that godawful swill.
Yeah. And how did HG get a pic from my fridge anyway?
This version I saw first has better visuals:
So you win?
Only if I’m also the judge. Which I’m not.
I knew An Abundance Of Caution back before he had a government job, before he got his master’s degree, back when he still went by “Hold My Beer”. Believe me, he hasn’t changed as much as you think he has.
But An Abundance Of Caution is the reason we’re cancelling everything! Surely there must be some authority there!
I’ve had this strange notion that there is no “real” CLS…it’s just a pseudonym some really funny homeless guy uses when he types up posts at the (now closed) public library…
So many people think I’m some weird figment of their imagination or a random person in a random location. It’s an odd thing.
LS,
I’m not buying it for one minute.
You are just trying to bury pertinent life saving facts you know from your mole in the Mud Lick Alabama Sheriff’s office. I have been hesitant to admit it, but you aren’t the only one with snitches down there. While it pains me to say this, I think you are being paid to cover up for Mud Lick and that despotic Sheriff Roy.
For example, the town of Mud Lick has an abundance of toilet paper that it refuses to share with any other locality especially anyone wearing Tennessee Vol orange and even when there is a desperate shortage up there. It is not as if Mud Lick gets more than its fair share of toilet paper, it has something to do with the lack of demand. Furthermore, you also reveal yourself by your failure to divulge the fact that the intrepid Mud Lick Sheriff’s office under Supreme Leader Roy has discovered that Dr. Pepper is the most effective hand sanitizer on the market the use of which makes social distancing entirely unnecessary. Shake the can, pop the top, enjoy the spray and the virus is no more in your space.
Shame on you. But, as always, Roll Tide.
All the best.
RGK
Sticky’s been really silent lately. I think he’s in some random courtroom uttering the four words every Alabama child learns first: “Not guilty, Roll Tide.”
Like all of you, the past few days of email include a huge amount from businesses telling me how they’re keeping me safe. Many are from some airlines that I either haven’t used in years or never; every damn hotel chain, some of which could be out of business; and banks (like I’ve been in one in the last 20 years).
But today has been different. It started with the online-only business that delivers office supplies, which is is pretty much just paper. The email didn’t say what they are doing, but they are “taking extra precautions” to “keep me safe in this dangerous time.” Maybe the paper is getting disinfected; maybe the delivery guy will wear a hazmat suit. I don’t know, but I’m being kept safe from sure death by paper.
Next was the satellite radio message. It too is taking “extra precautions.” I don’t know what those are, neither. Will the songs be sanitized? Will they only play happy songs? That would be tough on me–I pretty-much stay on the country stations. Happy songs don’t make much of most songbooks. Hopefully, the precautions are limited to the fact that 4 stations have been committed to COVID-19 issues (I’m not making that up).
I never felt safer.
What the hell is with all the virtue signaling from every fucking business or organization sending out all these emails about what they’re doing to protect us from COVID-19? My inbox has blown up over the last 24 hours with damn near every business or group I’ve worked with about what steps they’re taking to keep customers safe.
Enough with the public comments, businesses! Just keep it business as usual and restock the shelves with toilet paper and Purell.
Out of an Abundance of Caution and to keep people safe, I will not comment on this blogpost.
To hell with using alcohol wipes to clean things.
I’m drinking Elijah Craig Barrel Proof Bourbon Whiskey (136 proof) and killing the virus from the inside.
Wait, there was supposed to be something funny in your posts? :p