Seaton: The Friday Fail Tournament of Champions

Back in the Fault Lines days, my mean-ass editor tasked me with a weekly assignment called The Friday Fail. It was my job to comb the internet for the most spectacular failures of the criminal justice system and send the top five to the readership to vote on which was the greatest failure of them all.

Yours truly is a touch tired this week from work and life developments, so I’m dipping into the Friday Fail archives to bring the SJ readership a new guessing game. All of these but are former Friday Fail contestants. I’m not making any of this up.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to pick which of these Friday Fail candidates is the most egregiously bad failure and let us know in the comments why. The winner will be determined by popularity and a secret formula my editor and I determine.

Let your voice be heard, SJ readers! Of the following Friday Fails, which is the biggest stinker of them all?

  1. An Omaha judge took a guilty plea from a woman too drunk to stand.
  2. A North Carolina SRO is on paid vacation after suplexing a teenage girl.
  3. A cop points out police misconduct. His reward is termination and a BOLO order.
  4. A veteran calls a suicide hotline and gets an illegal home search for his troubles.
  5. Springfield detective threatens to kill a kid during interrogation, gets two months vacation.
  6. Cops now sell drugs while arresting drug dealers.
  7. A judge “got by” with abusing confidential info provided by a friendly detective.
  8. Maricopa County corrections officers beat a mentally ill veteran to death.
  9. Celibacy is a judge’s new favorite condition for probation.
  10. Banks have no problem taking your meager jury duty pay in “processing fees.”

And there we have it. Ten finalists, ready for Simple Justice readers to render their verdict. Which is the greatest fail listed? Let us know in the comments.



Have a great weekend, everyone!


12 thoughts on “Seaton: The Friday Fail Tournament of Champions

  1. Richard Kopf


    I vote for: “An Omaha judge took a guilty plea from a woman too drunk to stand.”

    I never understood why you thought taking guilty pleas from drunks (or those high on your favorite controlled substance) was a problem.

    In Nebraska, pleas are far more preferable than trials. How else can you schedule a tee time or make happy hour.

    All the best.


  2. shg

    I protest the glaring omission of Roxane Gay killing the puppy. Why are you protecting her?!?

    1. RGK

      I protest your protest.

      Puppies are white privilege. As such, wringing their scrawny necks is an act of resistance, shitlord.

    2. CLS

      I couldn’t go there, SHG, because I was afraid invoking Noel’s nonexistent puppy might further water down such an excellent idea. Fictional puppy lives are important though!

  3. Howl

    “Celibacy is a judge’s new favorite condition for probation.”
    Incels become a force to be reckoned with.

  4. Paul L.

    #4 has a special place in my heart for the cop saying “I don’t have time to play this constitutional bullshit.”
    A veteran calls a suicide hotline and gets an illegal home search for his troubles.

  5. SamS

    #2, 3, 4, 5 are why there are riots in the street and a defund the police movement. People are not just angry over police shootings but over there constant harassing citizens and failure to obey laws and the Constitution.

  6. PseudonymousKid

    #8 is the saddest. A mentally ill man beaten to death because he wouldn’t take both his shoes off. Then there’s the failure of the health professionals who interviewed him to communicate the fact that he’s not all there to anyone else who might have to deal with him, if they would have cared. Topped off with the timely suggestion that Arpaio might actually pay for at least some of the horrible shit he did. If only.

    The entire thing is a fail. Our police and jails are not equipped to deal with the mentally ill at all. We’re so damn cruel to the least capable among us.

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