In a stunning moment of American unity, citizens turned on renowned physician Dr. Anthony Fauci Thursday with a loud “fuck that guy” when the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases said football might not resume in the fall over coronavirus concerns.
“Screw that miserable asshole,” said Q.T. Marshall of Boston, Massachusetts. “He’s never seen a Pats game. I’m ready to see our boys take that miserable cheat Tom Brady down!”
“He lied to us about the masks,” said Irene Caldwell of Nashville. “First he said we didn’t need to wear masks, then he flip-flopped on that to ‘wear masks everywhere,’ and now he’s saying he lied ‘for our benefit’ because hospitals might not have enough. I’ve had my fill of Dr. Fauci. He will not ruin my tailgate parties this fall.”
“I personally don’t believe in science,” remarked Dr. Ken Caldwell, pastor of Second Harvest Baptist Church in Parkland, Florida. “You see, when you have something like the scientific method, you have to make a series of assumptions to believe it’s true. So I don’t believe in science because there’s no scientific evidence for it.”
“Preach!” remarked Atlanta pastor Louie Giglio, who was trying to hide from his own problems. “Go Falcons!”
“I know it’s a risk, but I love football,” remarked Tampa Bay quarterback Tom Brady, as he sipped Bowmore 18 from his Baccarat crystal tumbler. “More than I even love anything or anyone else. That’s why I’m glad to get back on the field for all my fans!”
“Gronk!” echoed teammate Rob Gronkowsi. “Gronk smash!”
“We didn’t have to worry about the murder hornets once they shot George Floyd. Why should we sweat this asshole’s fake Chinese virus?” your drunk Aunt Tammy posted on Facebook. “Fuck this guy. Bring us the preseason!”
“There goes our ratings boost,” said Park Sun-Jeong, President of Korea’s Baseball Organization (KBO), who’d been enjoying a ratings boost in America’s ESPN because of the coronavirus shutdowns. “Now no one outside of South Korea will enjoy our Wyverns.”
“We were always going to come back in the fall,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “It’s not that we care so much about the health of our players as the mounds of cash the owners are losing out on daily with all the shutdowns. People aren’t prevented from making money the last time I checked!”
“It’s really disheartening to see the NFL do this to its players,” said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver. “Our league is the one centered around exploiting black athletes. Why does Goodell get a say in who gets sports restarted? We’ll tip off our first season game next week on TNT!”
“We’ll let everyone see how dominant the Crimson Tide is when we want. Not when some pencil-necked geek says it’s okay to be outside,” said Alabama coach Nick Saban. “Besides, our genetic mutat—I mean student athletes—are champing at the bit to return to competition.’
Professional wrestler Orange Cassidy said, “Tater tots are tastier than french fries,” when asked for comment.
Numerous protests over Fauci’s remarks were seen in Tuscaloosa, Jacksonville, and Los Angeles. The quasi-real group “Antifa” vowed to pelt the doctor if Fauci was ever spotted in public. “We don’t have much love for this ‘football’ of which you speak, Comrade,” remarked black bloc member “Andre.” “However, if we have a chance to fuck someone or something up, we’re not going to miss out. Do you know how hard it is to resist when you’re stuck inside because of some stupid ‘Stay Home’ order?”
With numerous similar sentiments echoed around the nation, evidence couldn’t point to a clearer point: in America, you fuck with our sports at your peril.
*Thanks for stopping by, everyone and I hope you have a great weekend. By the way, we won’t be discussing many current events in the future unless I find ways like this to make fun of them. I’ve been given this platform to make the SJ readership laugh each week and I plan to stick to that regardless of what the wokescold crowd demands.