Seaton: Nation Tells Fauci to Pound Sand

In a stunning moment of American unity, citizens turned on renowned physician Dr. Anthony Fauci Thursday with a loud “fuck that guy” when the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases said football might not resume in the fall over coronavirus concerns.

“Screw that miserable asshole,” said Q.T. Marshall of Boston, Massachusetts. “He’s never seen a Pats game. I’m ready to see our boys take that miserable cheat Tom Brady down!”

“He lied to us about the masks,” said Irene Caldwell of Nashville. “First he said we didn’t need to wear masks, then he flip-flopped on that to ‘wear masks everywhere,’ and now he’s saying he lied ‘for our benefit’ because hospitals might not have enough. I’ve had my fill of Dr. Fauci. He will not ruin my tailgate parties this fall.”

“I personally don’t believe in science,” remarked Dr. Ken Caldwell, pastor of Second Harvest Baptist Church in Parkland, Florida. “You see, when you have something like the scientific method, you have to make a series of assumptions to believe it’s true. So I don’t believe in science because there’s no scientific evidence for it.”

“Preach!” remarked Atlanta pastor Louie Giglio, who was trying to hide from his own problems. “Go Falcons!”

“I know it’s a risk, but I love football,” remarked Tampa Bay quarterback Tom Brady, as he sipped Bowmore 18 from his Baccarat crystal tumbler. “More than I even love anything or anyone else. That’s why I’m glad to get back on the field for all my fans!”

“Gronk!” echoed teammate Rob Gronkowsi. “Gronk smash!”

“We didn’t have to worry about the murder hornets once they shot George Floyd. Why should we sweat this asshole’s fake Chinese virus?” your drunk Aunt Tammy posted on Facebook. “Fuck this guy. Bring us the preseason!”

“There goes our ratings boost,” said Park Sun-Jeong, President of Korea’s Baseball Organization (KBO), who’d been enjoying a ratings boost in America’s ESPN because of the coronavirus shutdowns. “Now no one outside of South Korea will enjoy our Wyverns.”

“We were always going to come back in the fall,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “It’s not that we care so much about the health of our players as the mounds of cash the owners are losing out on daily with all the shutdowns. People aren’t prevented from making money the last time I checked!”

“It’s really disheartening to see the NFL do this to its players,” said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver. “Our league is the one centered around exploiting black athletes. Why does Goodell get a say in who gets sports restarted? We’ll tip off our first season game next week on TNT!”

“We’ll let everyone see how dominant the Crimson Tide is when we want. Not when some pencil-necked geek says it’s okay to be outside,” said Alabama coach Nick Saban. “Besides, our genetic mutat—I mean student athletes—are champing at the bit to return to competition.’

Professional wrestler Orange Cassidy said, “Tater tots are tastier than french fries,” when asked for comment.

Numerous protests over Fauci’s remarks were seen in Tuscaloosa, Jacksonville, and Los Angeles. The quasi-real group “Antifa” vowed to pelt the doctor if Fauci was ever spotted in public. “We don’t have much love for this ‘football’ of which you speak, Comrade,” remarked black bloc member “Andre.” “However, if we have a chance to fuck someone or something up, we’re not going to miss out. Do you know how hard it is to resist when you’re stuck inside because of some stupid ‘Stay Home’ order?”

With numerous similar sentiments echoed around the nation, evidence couldn’t point to a clearer point: in America, you fuck with our sports at your peril.

*Thanks for stopping by, everyone and I hope you have a great weekend. By the way, we won’t be discussing many current events in the future unless I find ways like this to make fun of them. I’ve been given this platform to make the SJ readership laugh each week and I plan to stick to that regardless of what the wokescold crowd demands.

17 thoughts on “Seaton: Nation Tells Fauci to Pound Sand

  1. Richard Kopf

    And Coach Frost declared that he would give some portion of his $7 million annual salary to the Husker Athletic fund to assist student athletes prosecuted for sexual assault. And then he winked. One local scribe suggested that Frost was engaged in an inexpensive PR campaign to save his job given the miserable showing the boys in red had provided under his leadership.

    Shortly thereafter the writer was found dead. He had been staked in front of a jugs machine and struck in the noggin perhaps a 100 times with footballs hurled at around 70 mph.

    In a news conference, Frost suggested that the death of the sports guy was somehow connected with the women’s volleyball team who, he declared, doubled as the local chapter of Antifa. That’s when Coach Cook declared that the Husker women would scrimmage the male Husker football players in a giant indoor cage match at the Husker volleyball palace.

    Cook said, if its good enough for Tulsa then by god its good enough for Lincoln. No masks or social distancing required. “Game on,” he growled.

    The local paper, in support of all things Husker and fearful that its dead scribe would hurt ad revenues, decided that front page coverage was warranted. The above-the-fold headline screamed, “Husker sports bring out the best of Nebraskans and fuck Fauci!”

    And Husker nation sighed in relief. Equilibrium had returned to flyover country.

    1. SHG

      [Ed. Note: That was Chris’ original title, “Fuck Fauci,” but I went with the more family friendly version.]

  2. Corey

    The QT Marshall reference made me smile and was subtle, so I wasn’t expecting to get hit in the head with an Orange Cassidy reference. Then again, neither was Chris Jericho so I’m in good company.

  3. The Real Kurt

    Amazing and wonderful.

    Mr. Seaton knows to use “champing” instead of “chomping”.

    It’s good to see.

    The Real Kurt

    1. LocoYokel

      Either is correct anymore. In fact champing is considered a dead word that has been replaced by chomping.

      1. SHG

        I’m going to point out two things, LY. First, Kurt said something nice. What compelled you to go bizarrely off topic to undermine it? Did repressed memories come to light that Chris touched you somewhere? WTF made you say anything?

        Second, the correct word is champing. That many people are stupid, use the wrong word and, in our softened hearts and minds, the wrong word morphs into the right word because there will always be far more stupid people than smart people in the world, use the wrong word does not make it right. It just makes them stupid.

        Put on the hat and go sit in the corner and think about this.

        1. LocoYokel

          Was not attempting to undermine his being nice. His comment made me go look up the word and the rest just followed. Blame the Asperger’s for it.

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