Dear readers, we gather this week to mourn the death of Stuart Baker’s career.
Baker was until recently a voice actor on the Adult Swim cartoon “Squidbillies,” and booked musical acts as “Unknown Hinson,” where he sings “his own hilariously politically incorrect songs” while dressed like “Dracula’s nasty little brother.”*
His career death came last week when he did something no one with a soul, and no red-blooded redneck, could tolerate: he spoke ill of Dolly Parton.
For those reading this who aren’t from East Tennessee, I can’t express what a taboo it is to speak ill of Dolly Parton in these parts. Listed below are just a few of Dolly’s incredible humanitarian accomplishments:
*Her “Imagination Library” charity puts more books into the hands of children from birth until age 5 than you and I can possibly comprehend, solely because Dolly Parton grew up poor and couldn’t afford new books as a child.
*When wildfires in the Great Smoky Mountains destroyed much of Sevier County, Tennessee, Dolly opened her checkbook and gave every family who lost a home or job in the fires $1000 a month for six months and a $5000 lump sum payment when everything was back up and running.
*Once, she noticed high school graduation rates were down in Sevier County, Dolly started a program where kids would select an accountability buddy and the duo would get checks from Dolly on the day they graduated high school.
*Dolly is the person to whom most people in Sevier County owe their jobs. Her regional business interests include “Dollywood,” a theme park with roller coasters my daughter loves and I personally wouldn’t go near if I had a death wish.
And that’s a tiny fraction of what makes Dolly Parton the closest thing to a living saint we have in these parts.
So why did Stuart Baker get upset and tank his career? It apparently comes from a recent Billboard interview where Dolly explained her rationale in changing her dinner theatre’s name from “Dixie Stampede” to simply “The Stampede.” Mrs. Parton also expressed her support for Black Lives Matter in a characteristically Dolly fashion, saying “Of course Black lives matter. Do we think our little white asses were the only ones that matter?”
Baker, terribly vexed by these statements, took to social media to call Dolly a “freak tittied, old Southern bimbo,” a “slut,” and more. When people attempted gentle correction of Mr. Baker’s attitude, he doubled down, referring to his detractors as “liberals” and “Un-American.” As even the staunchest Confederate Battle Flag waving hillbilly shook his head at Baker and muttered, “We got nothing to do with this motherfucker,” he took one more round and lamented how he was treated unfairly in the land of free speech.
Squidbillies creators Jim Fortier and Dave Willis announced the termination of their relationship with Baker in a statement.
“We’re aware of the extremely offensive and derogatory social media posts made late last week by Stuart D. Baker,” the pair wrote. “The views he expressed do not reflect our own personal values or the values of the show that we and many others have worked hard to produce over the past 15 years. For those reasons, the production of Squidbillies will continue without Mr. Baker, effective immediately.”
Ending this with a nice bow, Stuart Baker didn’t lose his career because of the things he said. Baker was free to speak his mind on any subject and did so. The problem is that Dolly Parton, through being a goddamned national treasure, is afforded certain luxuries Baker is not. One of those luxuries is immunity from the criticism of asshats like Stuart Baker. Ignoring the luxuries Ms. Parton earned through her countless acts of public selflessness comes with a cost.
Mr. Baker was apparently unready to pay the cost.
Have a nice life, Stuart D. Baker. You were an Unknown Hinson to me before I found about your problems this week, I certainly don’t give a fuck about you now, and I really don’t give a damn about knowing you after the week you’ve had.
To everyone else: Happy Friday! You get to go home knowing that no matter how badly you behaved this week, you didn’t fuck up so badly that you publicly spoke ill of Dolly Parton. Let’s raise the bar for next week!
*These quotes are from Unknown Hinson’s bio on his personal website.