Seaton: Presidential Promo Class

Wednesday, I remarked that this week’s “debate” looked like two old men with delusions of being professional wrestlers attempting to cut promos on each other. This was especially troubling for the President, who’s actually in the WWE Hall of Fame. For those of you unfamiliar with that tidbit, no, I did not make that up.

So today we’re going to discuss the fine art of cutting a promo. Let’s be realistic, we’re not getting any actual debates out of Trump or Biden. If they’re going to trade insults they need to do it in an entertaining fashion that actually draws people in.

A “promo” is what laypeople would call an interview segment on a wrestling show. It can either be conducted by an outside party or the talent, if they’re a good enough talker, can do one solo.

Good promos accomplish one of several ends. They convey your personality. Promos further storylines or advance angles. Sometimes they’re done to elicit a certain crowd reaction. Regardless of the reason, a good promo “talks people into the building,” or convinces people to buy a ticket to watch a wrestler either kick someone’s ass or watch someone’s ass get kicked.

Let’s start with conveying personality. Right now, it’s clear Biden is working “babyface,” or playing the good guy. President Trump, conversely, is working the bad guy role, or working as a “heel.” Trump’s got it easy letting people know who he is and it shows from the moment he opens his mouth.

Biden, on the other hand, is about as milquetoast of a babyface as you can get. You want to have a sympathetic babyface and Biden can’t seem to win anybody new over when he talks. The empathetic tone he’s taking isn’t going to cut it. He needs to study Dusty Rhodes’ “Hard Times” promo long and hard before he makes another appearance and learn from a master how to get a sympathetic crowd galvanized.

Advancing angles—in this case, policy positions—is best done by hitting your bullet points and moving on. There’s no need to ramble for five minutes when you can make your point in two. Legendary wrestling announcer Jim Ross remarked in a recent interview today’s younger wrestlers need to research how much a minute of television time costs, realize that’s how much money a promoter’s investing in them should they get camera time, and act accordingly.

Trump and Biden are both the drizzling shits here. One guy rambles, loses his train of thought, and tries to cover by firing up and talking tough. The other guy blurts random phrases like “Law and Order!” and thinks that registers with a crowd. People respond best to clear, concise statements that mean something.

Don, Joe: every time the American public grants you time on their respective TVs they’re investing in you. Act accordingly.

Now let’s discuss the fine art of insults, or one way to get “heat.” A good insult in a promo dresses your opponent down and makes you look good. The President, for all his bluster, isn’t terribly creative with his jabs. He’s got the panache of an insult comic in a Catskills retirement home.

“You’re an idiot, Joe,” is playground level bullshit. A better way of conveying that statement would be, “Joe, I knew you were dumb, but what just escaped that sewer you call a mouth really cemented your status as the mental midget you are.”

Biden needs to avoid insults altogether. The best thing for him to do is turn an insult into a way of talking people into the building. “Mr. President, you talk a tough game. In November, the people are going to let you know just how little they’re buying it.” Keeping the retorts punchy and playing to the crowd will earn far more points for the challenger.

Which leads me to conclude with talking people into the building. There’s no easy way of saying this, but nothing I can offer here will help either party. We’re getting the same shit we got four years ago—two miserable candidates and we’re asked to cheer for the one we find least miserable. If we don’t, the world will go to hell.

People saw this angle play out four years ago. We need newer, fresher angles then what we’re getting. Right now this election’s headed to crowds chanting “Same Old Shit.” The program’s got what promoters call “go home heat,” where everyone’s just ready to change the channel. Worse yet, there’s little either party can do to spice things up this late in the game.

During the next election we’re going to need a new program, something the American people can actually get behind. Nobody’s buying a third helping of “The Battle of the Miserable Bastards.”

Thinking that far ahead requires hope, though, and some optimism in your product. Those qualities are in short supply right now, so let’s get through this mess and see where it takes us. Seasoned promoters view a potential program through the eyes of one question: “What’s the finish?” Adopting that approach would greatly benefit the DNC and RNC.

Maybe we’ll get something good from Pence and Harris. I don’t know about you, but I’m not holding my breath. At any rate, we can all take comfort that the weekend’s in view. Happy Friday, everybody, and remember: at least we get to see the work for what it is and laugh.

9 thoughts on “Seaton: Presidential Promo Class

  1. Ray

    Someday perhaps we will see a debate more on the model of a talk show interview where both candidates sit down with a cup of coffee and engage in constructive dialogue led by a quality moderator who can direct the topic to be discussed and keep the pace flowing forward. It can be done, and would be a breath of fresh air. The advantage of a two party system should be a thesis posited by one party, an antithesis proposed by the other, with a synthesis created by good committee work. That’s how large political issues should be tackled. It just requires respectful dialogue between mature political leaders. Maybe it begins with respectful political dialogue at the presidential debates. What we have been treated to is a disgraceful display of unintelligible gibberish driven by an unquenchable lust for power.

    1. CLS

      Which is why both guilty parties needed a dose of Promo Class. And a slime button for the moderator. I want whover used to make slime for Nickelodeon to fill a vat of the shit placed over each candidate’s heads and a button the moderator can use to deploy said slime as a means of keeping peace.

      This is valuable governmental service I’m providing.

  2. Rengit

    Whichever candidate comes out and recites The Ultimate Warrior’s “Crash the Plane” address to Hulk Hogan, complete with his back to the camera and slow turnaround, has my vote.

    1. CLS

      No one should submit to such torture. Pretty sure doing that violates the Eighth Amendment.

      And I said I wanted entertaining, not rambling incoherent psychobabble. We got that Wednesday.

      1. Grant

        My favorites are the head-to-head promos where their teams are there to hold them back so they can absolutely lose it:

        Trump : Joe, you’re dumber than a load of bricks riding a short bus off a cliff into the Grand Canyon! And you made the bricks sitting on the toilet! And I’m going to grab you out of the bus, put you in a bag, and throw you in a dumpster like the trash you are! You’re so stupid the garbage men won’t pick you up! And you’re so flaky I wouldn’t even use you to build a wall! Don’t get your Ukraine on me!

        Joe: Mr. Trump, you talk a tough game, but the American People will show you they aren’t buying it.

        Trump (restrained by Pence and Hicks): RAAAGH!

  3. Corey

    I truly great moderator would drop a pipe bomb promo on both of those fools. Alas, CM Punk probably doesn’t want the job.

  4. The Real Kurt

    I’m waiting for Bobo Brazil to return and enter the race. After him, all was lost in pro wrasslin.

    The Real Kurt

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