Friends, I’m going to be completely honest with you this week. I actually had something ready that was smart, funny, topical, and educational for this Friday’s Funny. Then I realized SJ’d gone a full week without mentioning the Jeffrey Toobin incident. It will be a cold day in hell before I miss a chance like this to make some dick jokes.
Jeffrey Toobin is an author and legal analyst for CNN. One outlet to which Toobin contributed was The New Yorker. That publication announced his suspension Monday when a story broke he’d been caught masturbating during a company zoom call.
That should be enough to make the twelve-year-old in you snicker. The whole scenario turns hysterically funny when you learn the call’s purpose was simulating election outcomes, and Toobin—[reputedly] a lawyer—was tasked with playing the courts.
Everybody’s got their own tastes, right? Musn’t kink-shame.
Now, no one really needed to comment further on this. I’m sure everyone’s heard the saying, “if you can’t say anything nice, say nothing at all.” This did not stop Jeffrey’s friends in the media from rushing to extol his virtues with think-pieces suggesting this really wasn’t that big a deal, and you should probably admit you’ve flogged the bishop during a Zoom call too.
Well, dear readers, if Toobin’s media pals can defend him, I think it’s our duty to take the piss out of him as best we can. That’s why today we’re playing one of my favorite games:
CROWDSOURCED SMART-ASSERY!
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to give us your best zinger on the Jeffrey Toobin Zoom Dick “incident.” Working a little blue is allowed given the subject matter, but try to make it witty. We have standards around here.
Last time we played it produced some really good answers. Let’s see what you’ve got this week!
Have a great weekend, take solace in that you’ve yet to get caught with your pants down during a Zoom call, and remember: in the words of the late James Randi, “There is a distinct difference between having an open mind and having a hole in your head from which your brains leak out.”
See you next time!
…nah, that ones too nice. i think this one is more appropriate .
And while we’re at it, a new meme…”He pulled a Toobin”
Can’t believe Guitardave didn’t pick “Toob” Snake Boogie.
That song is about something you do with another person, so it got whacked.
Method acting of his judgeship…. based on Donald Thompson.*
* The “penis pump judge”
We mustn’t forget the ladies . . .
I would try my hand at it [making Toobin joke – seriously people mind out of gutter] but I dont think I have what it takes.
Comment – the kicker is how zoom works. I am guessing that it was not the brady bunch set up where all are visible at once else Toobin would have been staring at self wanking off. I am guessing that it was the set up where the speaker(s) are visible on screen and hand-boy thought he was on mute. However there was back ground noise in meeting and one or more meeting attendees decided to check the full list video to see what the H was going on. They were then greeted by visuals of Toobin wanking all the while Toobin has no idea he is on display. I wonder if it was the discrete private chat from a bunch of people trying to get him to stop or if someone just yelled about it until he caught on they were talking about him. These meeting are usually recorded we either need a little Toobin censored version or a re-enactment like old SNL when it was funny.
Lubin’ the Toobin.
CLS,
Toobin’s new book, “Ginsburg,” is coming soon.
All the best.
RGK
It turns out the purpose of this Zoom call was that Toobin and several other media higher-ups (Masha Gessen, Jane Mayer, and more) were roleplaying/wargaming for a “post-election scenario”. Jeffrey Toobin was roleplaying as the Supreme Court, which explains why he started whacking it.
The call sounds like it was a circle jerk, so it’s understandable why Toobin got confused.
A discussion of packing more members onto the Court? Could be a hardship for both political parties. Maybe they should re-evaluate Toobin v. Rosie Palm for greater clarity and satisfaction.
Could. Not. Resist.
For Toobin, it was a stroke of bad luck.
One stroke over the line?
I heard Toobin was a handful. I see now he’s really just a true ‘merkin stimulated by the mere thought of wearing a black nightie.
I love those modern spirituals.
Strange that they didn’t re-shoot that botched introduction or was that an inside joke?
It was live back then. Accidents happened.
Put your tube in, Jeffrey.
Somebody buy that poor man a pair of padded tweezers.
Hmm…ok, I’m working on it…got an idea I think will work…yeah, that’s good…hang on a sec, almost there…
WE ARE ALL TOOBIN’
from the all time great movie Slap Shot
[after meeting the Hansons]
Reggie Dunlop:
You cheap son of a bitch. Are you crazy? Those guys are retards!
McGrath:
I got a good deal on those boys. Scout said they showed a lot of promise.
Reggie Dunlop:
They brought their fuckin’ toys with ’em!
McGrath:
I’d rather have them playing with their toys than playing with themselves.
Reggie Dunlop:
They’re too dumb to play with themselves! Boy, every piece of garbage that comes into the league, you gotta buy it.
McGrath:
Reg… Reg, that reminds me, I was coaching in Omaha in 1948 and Eddie Shore sends me this guy who’s a terrible masturbator. Couldn’t control himself. He would get deliberate penalities so he could get all by himself in the penalty box, and damned if he wouldn’t, you know… [pantomimes masturbation]
Reggie Dunlop:
[disgusted] Aw, Jesus, Joe…
McGrath:
Now what was that again…? [continues masturbating gestures]
In other news, Jeffrey Toobin has been chosen to be the voice of Flappy Bird in Paramount Pictures’ adaptation of the popular video game.
I was a bit puzzled by the whole story. Did Toobin misunderstand and think this was an erection stimulation? Or, did he understand the purpose of the exercise and offer this as his interpretation of the courts’ role?
I’m not one of those approved to post music videos here, or I’d do [I love to play with] “My Ding-A-Ling” by Chuck Berry (which, by a weird turn of fate, was this rock’n’roll legend’s only Billboard #1 hit).
There once was a Lawyer named Toobin,
Whose arousal was quite an intrusion;
He Zoomed his old cock,
To his coworker’s shock,
And now he is claiming confusion.
I just want to close this out by telling you wonderful maniacs I’ve been laughing all day. It’s been sorely needed, and you all came with the good stuff when I threw the gauntlet down.
Everybody gets a certified CLS “Attaboy” for playing today.
And next week we’ll endeavor to pull our minds out of the gutter. Some of your mothers would be really ashamed of you right now. I, however, am thankful for everyone who read and played today.
Another example of 2020’s limp media?
On a more important note, my wife and I tried that biscuit place today. You were NOT kidding about it being worth it.
Hard news pieces are tough to come by these days. Sometimes you just gotta take matters into your own hands and work a different beat. The 24 hour news cycle is a tough domain to master, so I don’t see any need for folks to take their pound of flesh at this time.