Tuesday I turn 40. I’ve finally reached a point in life where I resemble my spirit animal, Terry Funk: Middle-aged and crazy.
In celebration of this occasion I’m going to indulge myself and hand out some Unsolicited Advice from a self-professed middle-aged crazy man on the Internet who you should probably never listen to.
Unless, of course, you agree with me.
Take a course in theatrical pickpocketing if you need a confidence boost. There’s something really satisfying in stealing someone’s watch from under their noses as a gag then handing it over as a gag later.
This nugget from William Shatner’s been useful: never be ashamed to tell servers at a restaurant it’s your birthday. At best you’re getting free dessert. At worst they’re nicer to you.
People who live by the saying, “If you can’t say anything nice about someone, don’t say anything” should consider amending that to “Don’t talk about people.” Praising someone’s work can lead to egg on your face if they fuck up.
The world would be better off if you minded your own damn business. That statement applies to everyone.
Break the rules for a week. By this I mean, go out of your way to violate a few harmless norms. Push your shopping cart backwards at check out. Face the wall of an elevator instead of the door. You will come away with a new understanding of how many societal “rules” are just herd-mentality constraints.
There’s an art to pissing people off. Competency in that art is a valuable skill.
Visit the American South once in your life, even if it’s a weekend trip to Dollywood. I’ve been all over the world and no place has ever felt quite like home like here. You’re guaranteed to meet the nicest people and you’ll really dig some of the food.
Learning to ride horses is something everyone should do because of one thing: if you’re thrown from the horse you get up, dust yourself off and get back on that horse.
If you find yourself in the limelight, appreciate the moment, keep the good vibes on you, and realize it’s a fleeting occasion.
Generally speaking you should never talk to cops. The exception is if you’re friends and he’s not on the job.
Two or three quality friendships are worth more than gold.
Generally speaking if someone carries a deck of playing cards regularly, they probably fancy themselves a magician. If this person goes to another magician’s show and insists the performer use HIS deck, that’s called “a certified asshole.”
Save your old driver licenses. You never know when they’ll come in handy.
If you ever get the sense you’re the butt of a practical joke, you’re probably correct.
Precision in language is crucial. Despite what you think, no one has a clue when you tell them you “saw that movie with that guy who was in that thing.”
The more you study hypnosis, the more you’ll see how much people act on feelings compared to rational thought.
A little extension of gratitude, where warranted, will take you a long way.
Assume you don’t know shit when you wake in the morning, strive to learn things you don’t know, and you’ll generally come out better by the time you hit the hay.
Parents of the world: we really need to stop telling new parents to “Get sleep now!” As cheerfully as we can say this, all of us know it’s the cruelest thing to say to anyone expecting a newborn.
In a private card game, no real cheat’s going to bust out a one-handed cut and shuffle because it’ll send all the marks running. The guy who acts like he doesn’t know what he’s doing is the person to keep eyes on.
Most folks would do well enough to remember the maxim about removing the plank from your eye before complaining about the speck of wood in someone else’s. That’s something Jordan Peterson fans and Mask Karens could take to heart.
It never gets easier, but it definitely gets better.
Memo to all the married people: Lower your expectations.
And finally, life’s too short to let good dick jokes go to waste.
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen: unsolicited life advice from a self-professed middle-aged crazy man, offered here on the Internet, which you should probably ignore.
Unless, of course, if you agree with me.
Have a great weekend, and contrary to what my mean-ass editor says, I like birthday gifts. Just sayin’.
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Does this mean you’re giving me my watch back?
There’s a time and a place for everything, and stealing watches from a watch guy is never appropriate.
I actually want to keep breathing, y’know.
Wise choice, young’un.
Chris, you forgot “Maybe don’t have barbed wire matches with Sabu.” Then again, it got Funk out of the match against Public Enemy. Poor Mikey Whipwreck. Well, time to toss on some old ECW PPVs at work I guess.
When I hit 40 I learned that “middle aged” is 5 years older me.
Two decades later I stand by that. It is still 5 years older than me.
And now you have my unsolicited advice.
This is not unsolicited advice. It is Good and Correct advice which I shall immediately put into use.
Thanks, Turk!
“Old age is not for sissies.” -some gym rat.
I forgot to add: Use middle age to prepare for old age. Health is wealth; it is incredibly difficult to enjoy life of you are not healthy. Too many people are on the trash heap at 40.
What part of his giving advice did you interpret to mean he was asking for yours (particularly since no one actually knows who the hell you are)?
Give me unsolicited advice, I’ll give you unsolicited advice.
As for me: 65+ years old, MWM, no kids, middle class, retired DOD. Hit my first weight room at 17. Except for active duty, been some kind of gym rate since then. The above is based on observation.
Nice to meet you, Steve. As for the unsolicited advice, if you want to fill in for Chris’ FF post, let me know.
40, eh? Whippersnapper!
One from the graybeard set: ” If the pain is transitory you’re not old yet.”
“Better living through chemistry.”
“Generally speaking if someone carries a deck of playing cards regularly, they probably fancy themselves a magician. If this person goes to another magician’s show and insists the performer use HIS deck, that’s called “a certified asshole.””
I’m put in mind of James Randi and several “magicians” (Popov, Geller, etc.) who agree with you. But that is perhaps a different case than what you had in mind.
The Real Kurt
Randi was one of the greats. He was 90 but losing him this year still stung.
That bit of advice came from one of the better books I’ve read this year. Part of the book dealt with preparation and contained some really useful advice everybody could use on preparation.
Anton, the author, used to start his magic shows doing a bit called “The Tossed Out Deck.” Part of the trick involves the performer tossing a deck of playing cards to audience members.
One night, an audience member got the deck and produced one of his own. This rat bastard then told Anton he’d feel better if the trick continued using HIS deck. So Anton did a version of the Tossed Out Deck he knew could be done with a borrowed deck.
Anton had a footnote at the bottom of the page discussing the anecdote too funny not to share:
“Producing a deck of [red Bicycle rider back playing cards] had me reasonably sure the dude was a magician. And if you’re a magician who goes to other magicians’ shows to try and trip them up, you’re a dick. And on the off chance you’re reading this and recognize yourself, I want you to know I still hate you.”
Thanks for this, Chris. And you should begin celebrating the big 40 this weekend. I’m sure cold beer and good barbecue are forthcoming.
Also, the “memo to all married people” brings me closer to renouncing my incredibly naive position that marriage is supposed to be all gravy all the time.
It’s gravy, it’s just a gravy that has lumps you have to work through.
Thanks for dropping by, Mario! We got started last night and I have a feeling the festivities won’t end until sometime next weekend.
And the memo to married people is better told by Nick Searcy than I, but it’s still worth repeating.
In many respects we stand on the shoulders of giants and should strive to better ourselves from their work.
Two questions, which you can feel free to ignore.
1. Any unsolicited advice about pro wrestling?
2. When, in court, is it useful to piss people off?
1. No
2. Nearly always on cross. It’s a staple. As SHG would say and yearns for, they piss their pants.
1. I wish people understood how deeply ingrained pro wrestling is in the fabric of Americana. Sputnik Monroe was heavily instrumental in breaking the color barrier down in Memphis, as one example: he refused to wrestle unless black people were allowed the same seating as whites when that was taboo. The guy also basically only drank at bars serving African-Americans and when cops had him arrested for “loitering” he hired a black man as his attorney.
2. Skink is kind of right on Cross, but I’ve come to a point where I’d prefer to piss no one off in court. Especially judges. You never want to piss off a judge.
Why not Dory?
Because Terry was the Funk brother who got the “Middle Aged and Crazy” tag. Focus.
“ Visit the American South once in your life, even if it’s a weekend trip to Dollywood. I’ve been all over the world and no place has ever felt quite like home like here. You’re guaranteed to meet the nicest people and you’ll really dig some of the food.”
I can agree with this completely, especially about the “feeling like home” part. I’ve been to one other place that has felt similarly (Scottish highlands) and I’d suggest you visit there as well.
I did feel the same sort of “home” when I traveled to Scotland.
Most of the people in my part of the South trace their roots back to those of Scottish and Irish descent. I suppose there’s some sort of cultural argument to be made there but it’s 8 AM on Saturday and the coffee’s not really kicked in yet.
I was born and reared in the south, and will be twice 40 in 2 years. Happy birthday. Thank you, and y’all come back soon.
Thank you for coming by!
I have one more to add that I also discovered at 40.
Accept everyone just how they are. This means that sometimes, your friend will be an asshole. And sometimes, you’re the friend.
I’ve made it a point to accept everyone how they are since I was a teenager, but thanks anyway.
I recently read my notes from tenish years ago and instantly saw how much of an idiot I was.
Looking forward to reading the same ten years from now even with how much I think I have learned.
Makes me appreciate the olds. Their learned wisdom is actually true. Who knew.
I’ve come to a new revelation in the last 24 hours: there’s nothing I find more irritating than a know-it-all in their 20s.
Rabbit holes do not serve you, you have no plan.
Wit within, this post is your tweeter tax?
You have no plan to figure it out… Stop talking, trailer hitch.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3Ca3c6J9N4
now is the time, what else do you really have to do anyway?
Thanks, JB.