Seaton: I Want To Host “The Bachelorette”

Bachelor Nation:

I would like to take this opportunity to throw my name in the running for host of the next “Bachelorette” season. I don’t just want “The Bachelorette.” I want Chris Harrison’s job.

For the rest of you wondering, “why is Seaton trying to land a reality TV host job,” allow me to fill you in on the rumor and innuendo regarding one of ABC’s biggest cash cows. Currently the Bachelor is Matt James, a black man. He’s in this spot following the events of last summer and calls from Rachel Lindsay, a former “Bachelorette,” to make the casting on the shows more diverse.

When men and women sign up as “Bachelor” participants, they pretty much sign up to have their social media accounts picked through with a fine toothed comb by millions of fans. So it wasn’t surprising when one contestant this season, Rachael Kirkconnell, was allegedly caught sharing QAnon theories on TikTok. Later photos would surface of Rachael attending an “Old South” party in 2018 at a college.

None of this was okay with Rachel Lindsay. Apparently she wanted to speak up about Kirkconnell’s past misdeeds publicly but kept her mouth shut out of some sort of weird “respect” for the franchise.

So Lindsay pushed Chris Harrison for comment. It went about as well as can be expected.

Since the interview, Harrison’s made a formal apology and vowed to seek penance. Kirkconnell’s done the same. Someone needs to step up as the new face of Bachelor Nation.

I’m your huckleberry.

Let’s start with the basics. I am in this for the ridiculous money, so no one can say I’m doing the job out of the goodness of my heart, “love,” or “establishing connections.” For what Chris Harrison makes I will gladly tell viewers this is the “most dramatic season ever” and encourage others to “listen to your heart” while I chase that dollar green.

I haven’t attended an “Old South” party and have no plans on attending one.

I just learned what “QANON” is last week and it’s bullshit.

Let’s make this perfectly clear: I am happy to take whatever stance on a given issue ABC wants, because I want the money. I will be honest about this when I take a side on a given issue. Gotta keep the authenticity intact.

I’m also happily married with children. It’s not like I’m interested in dating again. I could easily pick up as the warm, reassuring background voice.

Hell, you only have to change half the Chyron whenever I’m on screen if I get the job.

If I should slip and offend the wokescolds, I’ll happily fall on my sword for the sake of the franchise, as long as I get a five million dollar payout. Like I said, I’ve got kids to feed.

Even better: in a #MeToo ridden industry, it’s going to be hard to get offended over my dumb redneck jokes. I certainly don’t peddle smut like the other Chris mentioned in this post. Unless the show producers want me to. Then we can negotiate.

So let’s do the damn thing already, Bachelor Nation. I’m ready to lead all of you on the most dramatic season of “The Bachelorette” ever. Honestly, you think you’ve seen it all? You haven’t seen the upcoming, drama-packed ride you’re in for yet.

Who’s with me?

Anyway, for the sane among us, Happy Friday! Here’s to the weekend, and remember: no matter how bad your week’s been, at least a self-professed middle-aged crazy man on the Internet isn’t telling the world he could do your job better. And be less racist in the process.

One more thing. I need new music for the show. GD, Howl, can the two of you pack up and work with me as sound consultants? I’ll make sure both of you are taken care of when I sign my contract.

Let’s get love (and cash, sweet, sweet cash) in the air!

12 thoughts on “Seaton: I Want To Host “The Bachelorette”

    1. Howl

      CLS, I just looked up what Harrison was making – $8 million per year.
      I’d like to change my response to your offer to:
      “Hell Yeah, I’m in! Tell me where and when and I’m on the way!”

    1. Guitardave

      Can’t believe you’d think some us would give that vapid little scientologist any more screen time.
      His 15 minutes ended back in the last century.

      1. CLS

        Yeah but we can still have a laugh at his expense.

        At least I haven’t melted down repeatedly on camera.

        And I’m a self professed middle aged crazy man on the Internet.

  1. Richard Kopf

    CLS, I don’t want ruin your hash, but you picked the wrong show. I see you on “Dancing with Stars” tripping the light fantastic with Dolly Parton as your partner. Just sayin.’

    All the best.


  2. Grant

    It’s too bad ABC is making too much money on this to mess with the formula, otherwise you could ensure the contestants have promoters … like your proposed candidate for white house press secretary.

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