Prefatory note: Thanks to my hacker contact, “BlueDragon72,” I intercepted this email before it reached its intended destination. I think you’ll find it interesting.—CLS
Dear Sheriff Roy:
Thank you for sending me to Disney World with Nana Wentzel and Deputies Castle and Sims. I know I did a bad thing shoving the baton up that Fed’s backside, but no one disrespects my commanding officer like that.
We went to the Disney World in Florida, which is the second freest state in America next to our glorious Alabama. I got to meet the Governor, Ron DeSantis, and he gave me Mickey ears. I promised not to shoot him if he disrespected the Crimson Tide and he said that was fine.
I still don’t like having to turn over my firearm at the park entrance, Sheriff. As Nana Wentzel and Deputy Miranda often say, the best way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Deputy Castle understood this and got me a special squirt gun so I could feel better.
I don’t think I’ll tase him in the shower like I did Sims.
Nana Wentzel spent a lot of time at the Epcot Center. She says seeing all the different countries makes her appreciate America better. I don’t know how you can’t appreciate America on the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror but Nana knows best, I guess.
Deputy Castle and I spent all the good time at Universal Studios. Sims was more of a Magic Kingdom kind of guy. Wuss. Anyway, we rode all the rides and saw the shows. I really like the one where you get to be a cop and shoot all the zombies.
Sorry, Sheriff, Deputy Castle just reminded me that wasn’t a ride or a show but a video game we played at Dave & Buster’s last night. Deputy Sims spent most of the time at Dave & Buster’s drinking tea with Nana Wentzel they both said came from some Yankee place called “Long Island.”
I think Sims might have a drinking problem, Sheriff. You might want to talk with him about that.
Anyway, there was a minor incident the second day when I caught this guy dressed up as one of the characters trying to smoke a cigarette in the parking lot. I told him that was not a nice thing to do as it could ruin a child’s magical image of Disney. He said a bad thing to me and told me to leave him alone.
When I squirted out his cigarette with my service weapon he got real mad. So I restrained him until his shoulder dislocated from his resisting my arrest. They were going to throw us out of the park and everything until Deputy Sims told people I had some kind of condition.
Then everything changed, Sheriff! I got to meet Mickey and Minnie Mouse, Nana Wentzel got to go to the Princess Tea at the Magic Castle, and I got a special pass that let me and Deputy Castle get to the front of the line every time! Governor DeSantis even wanted to take a picture with me, saying something about how it was brave for Alabama to let special men like me be cops.
We’ll be home in two days. I hope you’ll like all the coloring books I’ve picked out for my desk!
—Deputy Tyrone Wentzel
Mud Lick, Alabama Sheriff’s Department