What would a place like Nextdoor—the neighborhood social media app designed to bring neighbors together—look like if it had a section for clarifications, updates, retractions, and amplifications? I took a moment to suss out how such a feature would look.
Richard Stepman of Oyster Bay, Long Island, New York would really appreciate it if neighbors stopped calling his son, Richard Junior, “Little Dicky.” While the joke was funny at last week’s block party, the name calling is getting old, and both Richards would prefer it stop.
Judy Bethel from Soddy Daisy, Tennessee wants to correct an error on her previous post about preserves for sale. The cost is actually $5 per jar, not $5 per pound. Judy regrets any inconvenience this error might have caused.
Garret Thomas of Lexington, Kentucky, now has only one ticket left for the Wildcats football game this weekend. He regrets to inform his fellow neighbors his beloved mastiff Diesel ate the other one.
Arnold Friedman of Tempe, Arizona would like to remind everyone again speeding is extremely dangerous in his neighborhood and the red sedan with the “Fuck It” window decal is obscene. Also, please stay out of his flower bed, neighborhood children.
Brent Parsons of New Albany, Indiana, would like to correct a previous post about his cousin Mickey’s birthday party being “kid friendly.” Apparently Mickey isn’t allowed within five hundred feet of children. He apologizes for the error.
Sal Schneider of Orange County still has a set of Morgan Dollars for sale. Mint condition. $200 or best offer. Yes, he realizes this offer’s been circulating for weeks, but he really needs the money.
The Shady Grove Homeowner’s Association will be having their annual meeting this Friday to discuss neighborhood plans for Halloween and the Fall Food Truck Frenzy. Neighbors are asked to RSVP to Jolene Richards if they plan on attending. No marijuana candies will be allowed this year, as usual, so please don’t bring it up during the meeting.
Rachel Morgan of Davenport, Iowa would like to retract her previous post about neighbor Erin Roberts of being a cheap, home-wrecking hussy. Apparently that designation should belong to Beth Copeland.
In response to this retraction, Ms. Copeland and Ms. Roberts would like to point out that Ms. Morgan is a frigid hag whose own husband doesn’t want to touch her anymore.
Ms. Morgan responds to this response by inviting Ms. Copeland and Ms. Roberts to the tennis courts in their residential complex at dusk to “square off.” No referee will be necessary.
Mr. Timothy Jenkins of Baja, New Mexico, would like to update everyone on the status of his GoFundMe in regard to his move to Maui. Currently, the total stands at the $50 his grandmother gave him. While Mr. Jenkins realizes the entire neighborhood thinks he’s an asshole, he would still appreciate the donations.
Shelly Stevenson of Cleveland, Ohio would like to thank everyone so far who’s bought school coupon books from her son, Steven. While his current sales are enough to get the school hoodie he wanted for reaching his sales goal, Ms. Stevenson would like to remind “all of you bitches you can still order books online, and that’s the only place you’ll get them because we’re in a pandemic.” She also would prefer if you wear a mask for her son’s protection if you choose to pick up the books in person or have them delivered to your door.
The Chamber of Commerce are soliciting submissions for the annual Small Business Chili Cook-Off. Due to the food sensitivity issues from last year’s event, any gluten free or vegan submissions are very much welcomed. Also, if any future restroom incidents occur it will not be City Sanitation staff’s job to clean the mess up.
Bob King of Ohio Valley Martial Arts is looking for new students in his Krav Maga class. Participants will need to sign waivers before enrolling. Cost is $50 per lesson, with a two lesson per week regimen suggested. Initially Mr. King believes he posted in error the suggested course schedule began with “Nut Shot 101.” This is not a Krav Maga class title, and any inconvenience is regrettable.
Allison Portman of Providence, Rhode Island, would like to remind everyone the Book Club meeting has been moved to Thursday. She looks forward to a scintillating yet respectful discussion of Robin D’Angelo’s “White Fragility.” After the formal meeting there will be cocktails and a discussion of the podcast “Nice White Parents.”
Cody Rigsby of Athens, Tennessee would like to say hello to his neighbors and let them know that he’s not THAT Cody Rigsby, even though he looks like him a little bit. Please refrain from asking him for free Peloton subscriptions.
And finally, Jason Biggs of Los Angeles, California would ask neighbors refrain from calling his neighborhood a “shithole,” even if homeless people are defecating on the streets. Mr. Biggs would like to remind everyone complaining to check their “home privilege” and show compassion for the less fortunate.
Well, if that’s not a clear indicator of why I’m not allowed to write copy for Big Tech platforms, I don’t know what would be.
That’s all for this week, folks! Happy Friday! Enjoy your weekend, and remember: no matter how bad you think your week’s been, at least you’re not a content moderator for a stupid social media platform where neighbors bitch at each other daily!
We’ll see you next week!