Seaton: A Very SJ Christmas Carol

With music provided by Tom Lehrer

Christmas time is here by golly, disapproval would be folly
Deck the halls with hunks of holly, fill the cup and don’t say when

I’ve softened my anti Christmas stance considerably in recent years. At one point in life I couldn’t stand a bit of the holiday. Now I’m the dad who annoys his kids with repeat plays of the Chipmunks Christmas song during car trips.

If you can’t have fun at your children’s expense, life’s just not as fun.

Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens
Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens

Even though the prospect sickens
Brother, here we go again

It’s always the same shit that pops up every year. New think pieces about how it’s best to get the decorations up as soon as possible. Buzzfeed listicles on the Best Inflatable Santas For Sale On Amazon. A mad dash to find the right presents for the right people.

Maybe the mind numbing repetition of the Yuletide season is part of the point.

On Christmas Day you can’t get sore
Your fellow man you must adore
There’s time to rob him all the more
The other three hundred and sixty-four

Hear me out on this one. Surge pricing for criminal defense attorneys during the holidays.

Want your loved one sprang from the slammer? We do too! Santa’s just got some gifts to pay for, y’know?

Speaking of paying for gifts, Eartha Kitt’s “Santa Baby” remains the most vulgar expression of seasonal materialism I’ve ever experienced. And some people think it’s cute.


Relations, sparing no expense, ‘ll
Send some useless old utensil
Or a matching pen and pencil
(“Just the thing I need, how nice!”)

How big is your Christmas card list, and how many are you sending to clerks and bailiffs this year? I still send cards to County and Federal clerks in places where I’ve not practiced in a hot minute. Just in case I’m back there next year. I figure it never hurts.

I really need to find more Monopoly Get Out of Jail Free cards with the words “Totally Valid In This State” printed on the back. Those were hits with everyone and cost like a buck each.

It doesn’t matter how sincere it is
Nor how heart felt the spirit
Sentiment will not endear it
What’s important is the price

There’s always the one asshole who no present is ever good enough for, right? Even if you get them diamonds you’re going to get critiqued on whether the rock fits their version of the “four Cs.”

Sometimes the best gift you can give is something that will be eaten, drank, or eventually burned. I’m striving for all my gifts to go that route this year.

Eat it, drink it, or burn it. Not a bad way to approach gifting!

Hark, the Herald Tribune sings
Advertising wondrous things

My son wants either an electric riding motorcycle or an Ant-Man action figure that rides on a flying ant. No short order there.

God rest ye merry merchants
May ye make the Yuletide pay

My daughter wants Care Bears. The more the better. Or Care Bear stuff. That I should be able to manage.

Angels we have heard on high
Tell us to go out and – buy!

Oh and there’s the supply chain issues we’re all dealing with. Buy early and often, with inflated prices, and make sure you print pictures of gifts in case they come on a slow boat from Wuhan.

So let the raucous sleighbells jingle
Hail our dear old friend Kris Kringle

Life hack for those of you with young children. Find a willing friend whose voice your kids won’t recognize, change their name to “Santa Claus” in your contacts, and boom.

Are your kids misbehaving? Want to threaten to cancel Christmas if they don’t behave?

There’s your ammo.

Driving his reindeer across the sky
Don’t stand underneath when they fly by

So John Rich and Mike Rowe wrote a Christmas song this year called “Santa’s Got a Dirty Job.” It’s pretty good, but my son got really upset when Rich said his Christmas wish was that it overtook “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” in popularity.

Why he wants to murder Nana, I’ll never know.

Happy Holidays, everyone! May your days be merry, bright, and asshole free!

I’ll be doing quite a bit of travel this month, but don’t worry–your humble humorist has been hard at work making sure there’s enough chuckles to get us through the month!

And stick around for the SJ Year in Review, which my mean-ass editor can tell all of you I’ve been working on since January!

We’ll see you next week, everybody!

8 thoughts on “Seaton: A Very SJ Christmas Carol

    1. CLS

      Tom Lehrer is a criminally underappreciated comedic genius.

      I’d like to think his masterwork is an accompaniment to my riffs.

      And Happy Holidays to you too, Bear!


    Ya know what’s a great gift? Cold, hard cash. That’s what the grandkids get now, cash in a card. (Too damn expensive to box up and ship stuff across the country and with cash, they can use it to buy what they really want.)

    1. CLS

      I just give the in laws the number of the guy who runs the magic shop in New Albany, Indiana where I get all my stuff from these days.

      They text him, he gives them ideas for stuff to buy me, and we’re all happy.

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