Sheriff Roy woke the morning of October 16 with a cold sweat across his brow.

Trying to piece together the previous evening left a pit of sickness in his stomach. He could see it all again now. The scooped up fumble into the touchdown that had Vols fans apoplectic. Then the missed field goal by Reichert. Then that son of a bitch Chase McGrath, clad in orange and white, barely making a game winning field goal to make the Third Saturday in October a win for the University of Tennessee Volunteers for the first time in 16 years.

He checked ESPN’s website to confirm the score—Vols 52, Crimson Tide 49—and then put on his uniform for the day’s work. Content with only a cup of black coffee, Sheriff Roy kissed
Arlene goodbye for the day and drove to the office.

A hush fell over the Mud Lick Sheriff’s Department bullpen when the town’s top cop arrived.

Godfuckingdammit, Sheriff Roy thought, they’re all going to want me to say something.

The first eager soul to approach the Sheriff was Deputy Tyrone Wentzel, a sort of charity case the Department kept around for everyone’s own betterment.

“Didja think we lost because Jesus is mad at us, Sheriff? Nana says Reichert’s been doing something called ‘onanism’ and that’s why we missed the field goal, Sheriff. Because God’s mad at the Tide.”

The Sheriff clasped Deputy Tyrone by one shoulder, smiled, and told his junior officer “Jesus is never mad at the Tide, Deputy. If God had been a football player he would’ve been the Tide, coached the Tide, and played for the Tide in his triune glory.”

Deputy Tyrone smiled, nodded at this bit of nothing, and returned to his coloring book at his desk.

Mercifully, Sheriff Roy made it into his office before another soul spoke to him.

Telling his secretary to hold all his calls, Sheriff Roy sat at his computer and began to type an email.

FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
RE: Last night

These are the times that try men’s souls.

I should say these are the times that try the souls of men, women, and gender non-conforming people all across the state of Alabama.

Last night, thanks to an ugly-ass field goal kick from a guy named Chase McGrath, those goddamned UT Volunteers beat our beloved Crimson Tide for the first time since I took over as Sheriff of Mud Lick.

McGrath wasn’t the only guilty party in that game, ladies and gentlemen. No, we did a perfectly good job fucking that game straight to hell on our own. They scored on their first three possessions. We’ve not allowed that in a decade. Hell, we’ve not allowed that many points scored against us as a college football program since before the Titanic sank.

And then there were the penalties. Setting records is something I expect from the University of Alabama’s Crimson Tide Football team, but a school record for the most penalties in one game is inexcusable. That was easily 14 points given to the Vols based on the number of penalties we incurred alone.

The whole damn team looked sloppy, inconsistent, and more fickle than a school girl on prom night. That game was ours to win and we lost it by being the worst possible version of the Tide for sixty minutes straight.

I imagine some of you will want someone to talk to in this time of loss. My door is always open, but I will have Deputy Miranda arrange for grief counseling services should further help be required.

Others of you may want to know why I, your Sheriff, am using a department wide email to discuss college football. Despite the fact that this town lives and breathes the Crimson Tide, I see a few points of instruction worth mentioning from last night’s debacle.

First, fundamentals matter. That goes for everyone, from the Tide down to you. I want to see not a stitch of incomplete paperwork, a single botched wellness check, or a perp improperly cuffed. Any signs of sloppiness or inconsistency in your work and I assure you there will be a performance review in your future.

Second, there are no shortcuts to excellence. This is something Coach Saban seems to have forgotten, but I have not. I will be watching you all in the coming weeks and I expect every corner to be square in all the work that you do.

Third, there’s always the possibility something’s going to go south in the course of your job performance. When you can scoop up that figurative ball and take it to the house for a touchdown you’d better do it. When, conversely, life hands you a series of consecutive delay of game penalties you must right your ship, correct course, and plow on forward.

What you don’t do is stick to the same losing tactics over and over and expect a different result. The Dilbert guy calls that the definition of insanity and I agree.

So moving forward, we will be conducting morning and afternoon PT sessions to improve our fundamentals of physical fitness, routine evaluations of field work to improve our procedural skills, and regular psychological evaluations to improve our mental toughness for the work we do.

We will do this and we will like it because we hold ourselves to a high standard of conduct, just like the Alabama Crimson Tide used to do, and we will do it with a smile because we are here to serve the citizens of Mud Lick, Alabama.

Thank you for taking the time to read all of this, and I hope you got something teachable out of last night’s game as I did.

Our new regimen begins tomorrow. God bless all of you, God bless the State of Alabama, and God Bless the Crimson Tide, even if she has her faults these days.

Fraternally,
—Sheriff Roy