Seaton: Peach Thieves and Property Lines

I attempted to take my dog outside Saturday afternoon and found an older woman in my yard jumping near a tree attempting to pick what appeared to be fruit from it.

“Excuse me, can I help you?” I asked the lady. She was in her mid to late fifties [Ed. Note: Older?!?] with curly brown hair done in a certain style perfected by old women’s beauty parlors in the South. She wore blue shorts and a tri-colored sleeveless shirt.

“Not unless you’re going to help me pick these peaches, fatbody” she replied.

Hm, I thought. I didn’t know we had a peach tree in our yard until this very moment. Sure enough, a quick glimpse into the upper branches of the tree revealed fresh peaches.

And this foul-mouthed harridan was helping herself to the peaches in MY yard.

I turned around with the dog and went in the house.

“Sweetie,” I asked my wife. “Did you know we have a peach tree in our yard?”

“No,” Dr. S. looked up at me from her book. “Why?”

“There’s an old lady out there picking peaches off the tree in our yard.”

I look out my dining room window at the tree and see a few new developments. First, I noticed the lady wasn’t alone. There was a guy hanging around a white pickup truck in the driveway next to ours down the hill, arguably a sibling or spouse.

Second, the old lady had gone to the truck, retrieved a ladder and had set it in our yard to better access the fruit on higher branches.

This somehow deeply offended my wife’s sense of right and wrong. She took off out of our back door to go confront the lady. The conversation between the two was fairly short, so I will attempt to recreate it here.

“Excuse me, ma’am, what are you doing?”
“What does it look like, you fat bitch? I’m picking my peaches!”
“Not in our yard with a ladder you’re not. I’m going to need to ask you to leave.”
“Leave? Fuck you, I planted these peaches!”
“Leave now, please, or I’m calling the cops.”
“Call the cops, you stupid bitch! I don’t give a fuck!”

Dr. S. stormed back into the house after the exchange. “Call the cops,” she tells me.

It was not a polite suggestion, so I phoned the Sheriff’s department. Two deputies were at our house in about ten minutes. For those of you expecting a more dramatic story this week, the peach thief and her accomplice beat feet long before the law arrived.

The deputies were very kind to tell me they would do a quick look-around and see if they could find the lady. If they did, they would tell her to stay off our property. Should the lady come back again, there would be grounds to file a report for trespassing.

“However, I suggest you don’t make this about who owns the peach tree,” one told me. “Then this becomes a civil dispute and we can’t do anything about it.”

As I told the deputies, the issue had nothing to do with the peaches or the tree. It was all about politeness and being neighborly.

Had this lady come to my door and introduced herself, then asked to pick the peaches out of our tree, I would’ve welcomed her into the yard and granted her the ability to pick peaches at her leisure.

She didn’t. She came into my yard with a ladder, cussed me and my wife out, and started picking peaches as she saw fit. I don’t know about you, dear reader, but when someone strange comes into my yard with a ladder—that’s something that will get the shit slapped out of you, no matter how important you’ve deluded yourself into thinking you are.

And no amount of swearing is going to change my mind.

Anyway, I’ve called a surveyor and we’re putting a fence up in short fashion. No more will I allow angry old women into my yard to pick the fruit they claim by some strange right is theirs.

Besides, can you imagine how up shit creek I’d be if she busted a hip falling off that ladder and then tried to sue me? Not even going to entertain that, no thank you. Time to fence this place up good.

I’ll close with this video, which still provides a much needed laugh every time I watch it. If you choose to watch it, please either use headphones or shut the door to where you are as this is VERY NSFW due to language.

It’s still funny though.


11 thoughts on “Seaton: Peach Thieves and Property Lines

  1. Guitardave

    Call the cops? Build a fence? Are you actually from Tennessee? Ask some of your old school neighbors about the simple solution…you know, the one that doesn’t involve stupid deputies or home depot.

  2. Michael Gilson

    Wow, I listen to people read Reddit stories on Youtube and stories like this are pretty common in “Entitled People”, “Neighbors From Hell”, and “Am I The A**H***”. Some people even comment that they think the stories are made up, but to me they sounded like human nature at least toward one end of the bell curve.

      1. L. Phillips

        Maybe a little wrong. If the Bell Curve represents societal intelligence I have found idiots from one end to the other, including myself on more than one occasion.

  3. Mike V.

    Seems like I heard a song the other day about things like that. I think it’s called “Try That in a Small Town.”

  4. Edward

    I can’t believe the dog tolerated such aggression from a stranger. Getting a fence in fine. A dog with a bit of an attitude on your side of the fence, even better.

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