Welcome to August, dear readers! My mean-ass editor and I have a lot in store for you today.
Wait, what? SHG’s not here? He left me here to entertain everyone?
Well shit. No pressure. So what do you want to talk about today? How about murder? I’m pretty sure there’s nothing funnier than the slaughter of random civilians, right?
It’s just me? Well okay then, we’re going to talk about it anyway.
I’m for the most part a pretty laid back guy these days. It’s a change from the day when my mean-ass editor described me as an “Angry Good Ol’ Boy.” Fatherhood does that to you, I suppose.
Which is kind of wild, because my kids, while wonderful and perfect in every way, can tend to stress me out quite a bit. This is what being a chronic worrywart in addition to fatherhood can do to a person’s blood pressure.
Apparently I compensate for having a very patient temper with my kids by having an extremely short fuse some days with people who royally piss me off. And there’s weeks like the past one where I think we need to change the laws regarding murder to allow for certain occasions where you’re legally justified in ending someone’s life if they royally piss you off.
“That’s dark as hell, Seaton,” you might be telling yourself. Yes, my desire to slaughter those who annoy, irk, or generally drive me to fits of rage may be dark, but when you see the list of people with whom I have lethal grievances you’ll understand.
It’s akin to giving Popeye the right to go full Hulk on anyone who pushes the spinach-eating cartoon hero when he says “I stood all I can stand and I can’t stand no more.” Sometimes the virtuous need to administer a killing to those who deserve it.
And if and when the Purge becomes real life (this honestly could happen any day now in America, I think), I want the assholes who pissed me off to get at least some level of notice they’re on borrowed time if they keep fucking things up.
So without further ado, here’s a short list of people who I think need a killing.
BABYSITTERS WHO DON’T LISTEN TO DIRECTIONS: I told you enough times already you’re not to feed my kids pizza every day even if you have some delusion my children deserve pizza every meal every time you come over here. When I said to stop giving my kids pizza, I meant you’re done giving them pizza.
But you wouldn’t listen. You decided to make jokes about it because you thought it was cute to do so, and you really wanted to impress my daughter so much you just asked her in a voice one would use for a baby “oh do you want pizza?” She’s a fifth grader. She’s going to try and get pizza from you every meal unless you put your foot down.
There’s chicken, PB&J sandwiches, macaroni and cheese, lasagna—literally anything else in the fridge would be better than feeding my kids pizza every meal when you’re here.
Feed them something else or you’re getting sliced open from asshole to appetite with a box cutter.
DUMBASSES WHO THINK IT’S OKAY TO FILL OUT PASSPORT APPLICATIONS IN LINE WHILE OTHERS ARE WAITING ON APPOINTMENTS
Dear vacuous blonde tart with the laugh that is somewhere between a hiccup and a donkey’s bray: I hate you with the intensity of a thousand suns for your idiotic decision to fill out a passport application in line at the post office while I stand there with my kids watching you act a fool. You realize, I’m sure, that these fucking applications are online, right? And if you wanted to be a good person, you could’ve done what I did and fill out the application for your spawn before you got to the post office?
But you couldn’t just be a good person, could you? No, you had to do this in line because you thought it was such a great idea to make everyone else wait on you while you soaked in the attention you wrongly thought you were entitled to. You made it all about yourself and the demonic brats you brought with you.
And then to make matters worse, you didn’t even fill out the goddamn application right the first time. You were told on review you fundamentally fucked up every page, and your response was to let that godawful laugh escape the buck-toothed sewer you call a mouth and say “Oh, silly me, what was I thinking?” WHILE YOU FILL OUT THE APPLICATION WRONG A SECOND TIME.
Your life must end for the sake of the rest of our species. Maybe your spawn should go too, so we can eliminate your chance of contaminating the gene pool with more of your stupid.
It’s the best thing for all of us.
MANIACS WHO WEAVE IN AND OUT OF TRAFFIC ON THE INTERSTATE WITHOUT USING TURN SIGNALS
I can’t believe no one else is calling for your execution. Maybe I’m just forward thinking. At any rate, your reckless and idiotic behavior on our nation’s interstate roadways makes you a menace that needs at the bare minimum their driver license revoked. I’m more inclined to lobotomize you with an ice pick and a claw hammer.
PEOPLE WHO SAY PRO WRESTLING IS “FAKE”
Yes, we all know the outcomes are scripted. Yes, we all know the match finishes are predetermined. Most of what goes on in WWE, AEW, and the like is actually more real than the reality TV shows you binge while you turn your nose down at us “marks.”
I really, really want to mark your faces up with a chisel.
PEOPLE WHO WANT ME TO DO SHIT FOR THEM RIGHT NOW
Did I not make it clear enough that I’m a tired father of two who hasn’t had the energy to manage five minutes of higher brain function beyond reacting to things in about a decade? Or that I work pretty much nonstop until I get home where my evenings are spent making sure everyone in the house is ready for the next day while my ten year old screams food orders at me?
Your shit that you think will “only take a minute” can wait until my day off, where I’m able to finally catch up with stuff outside of work and daily family life. If it really “just can’t wait,” then guess what, motherfucker? I really just can’t wait to cease your breathing.
PEOPLE WHO WORK ON HULU’S SMART TV INTERFACE
All I want is for the damn “Continue Watching” category to remain on my screen and not randomly disappear every couple of months. I can’t remember what shows are on every day and that one category makes sure I miss nothing.
But you tech fuckers can’t leave shit well enough alone, can you? Keep the damn thing working and keep “Continue Watching” on my Hulu app or you’re getting the business end of a .44 magnum.
OLD BIDDIES WHO THINK THE GROCERY STORE IS A TOWN SQUARE
Dear old women who stop and talk in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store:
You probably have this thing called a phone, right? And you’re capable enough to use it. Why not call Agnes and Mabel on that and jaw about how the dew point’s gone screwy?
What you don’t need to do is stand in the middle of a grocery store aisle and have your conversations there. You’re in my way, and that’s a crime requiring you pay the ultimate price. The grocery store is very simple: get in, get your shit, and get out.
You never pay attention to this basic maxim, however, and you just have to chat with your friends in my grocery store, blocking aisles and obstructing forward motion. And when someone asks you to move, you stare like someone’s just called you a racial slur.
Have consideration for others, you shriveled up harridans. And refrain from your odd practice of walking down the center of aisles pushing your carts while you jaw with Muffy and Biff.
Let people go around you and shut your traps less you want to catch a bullet from me.
Well, that was fun! I hope you enjoyed it. At the very least, the exercise was cathartic for me. It’s as if a weight has been lifted from my chest, even!
I hope you have a great weekend, and that you refrain from pissing me off. Happy Friday, and remember, no matter how bad your week’s been, at least you didn’t piss me off enough to where I’m calling for the end of your life!
Unless you did. Then we need to have a nice little chat. You, me, and whoever can make the annual Purge a thing.
We’ll see you next week, and if all of you could manage to just refrain from telling my mean-ass editor about this little outburst, I’d appreciate it.
We do have standards around here, you know.