“At least we’ll be entertained while the world goes to hell.”—Black Mirror

From where I’m sitting, the vote Tuesday night went exactly as I hoped it would.

Tennessee came in at #7 on the initial College Football Playoff rankings. I dig it. It’s not top four and we’re ranked worse than fucking Georgia, but we’ve got room to improve. It’s manageable.

Okay, I know there’s some people out there who are tearing their hair out over the presidential election. I’ve seen the videos on Twitter. To these people: your tears sustain me as I am bereft of normal human emotion.

For the actually sane among us, I figure we can either get upset about what’s going to happen over the next four years or we can do what I plan on doing: making jokes and ridiculing all of it.

Join me, won’t you?

Today I want to share my ideal picks for Trump’s second presidential cabinet. None of these are to be taken seriously, obviously, and I’m not going to say I’m anything remotely close to an expert on politics. These are jokes, remember? I hate that I even need to start with a disclaimer like that, but such is the nature of our time.

Anyway, our President-Elect has a talent for hiring the best people, so I’m sure these suggestions aren’t necessary. But should the President want an option or two, I humbly suggest the following for consideration.

SECRETARY OF STATE: You want someone here who will excel as a diplomat on the world stage. Someone who can embody the American ideal and can articulate it with love, compassion and empathy.

That’s why the obvious pick here is Snoop Dogg. The man practically became America’s goodwill ambassador at the Paris Olympics and brought smiles to everyone who interacted with him. Let’s make the gig official and give Snoop a shot at the big leagues. Fo Shizzle.

SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY: Dave Ramsey. Americans trust the guy for advice on their money and he seems authentic and relatable. Unlike Janet Yellen, whose authenticity and relatability equal those of the butterscotch candies your Nana always kept in her purse.

SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: You want someone here who’s at least ex-military and could do a decent job commanding the Joint Chiefs’ respect. You also need a pick here that will make some peoples’ heads explode.

That’s why you pick Tulsi Gabbard. She’s the perfect blend of all three.

ATTORNEY GENERAL: Ron DeSantis. Give Ron the gig because he’s good at administrative duties, he knows some law, he’s results oriented and it’ll make peoples’ heads explode. Mostly because it’ll make peoples’ heads explode.

SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR: Bear Grylls. If I want someone dictating policy over the national parks and resources our country has I want it to be someone who’s damn near been killed by nature several times. A person like that will treat the job with the respect it deserves, and Bear will do fantastic.

SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE: Martha Stewart. Her whole shtick is farming and gardening these days and she’d work well with Snoop Dogg since the two of them are friends. I believe this is what the suits refer to as “corporate synergy”!

SECRETARY OF COMMERCE: This is where you stick Elon Musk. It’s a no-brainer for the richest man alive. This will also be where the Department of Government Efficiency is housed and where Elon will push the big red button marked “AFUERA!” on his desk multiple times a day as he trims down a bloated government.

SECRETARY OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES: Robert F. Kennedy Junior. The audible pops of rage you’ll hear all over the country when the appointment is announced will be GLORIOUS. And he’s got some good ideas and Trump owes him a thank you. Give Bobby the health department!

SECRETARY OF HOUSING AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT: I think the best person for this job is someone who’s a self made individual that at one point in time lived in government housing.

That’s why you give Flavor Flav the nod. Plus it’d be fun to see the clocks he wore to different cabinet meetings. YEAH BOYEE!!

SECRETARY OF TRANSPORTATION: Unlike Pete Buttigieg, you want someone who will actually stick around to do the job. Someone who knows transportation like no one else. So you give the gig to Dale Earnhardt Jr. The 50-year-old NASCAR legend will do America proud.

SECRETARY OF ENERGY: Vivek Ramaswamy. This is the best fit for him, I think. He’ll be good at facilitating the changes needed to make America an energy producing nation once more and it’s a nice thank you for supporting Trump during the race.

SECRETARY OF EDUCATION: Dennis Prager. All the right peoples’ heads explode as Prager guts the DOE and replaces it with a version of PragerU, saving us all money.

SECRETARY OF VETERANS AFFAIRS: Sam Elliott. The actor is a retired veteran who seems like a nice enough guy. He’d definitely do a great job representing the interests of the men and women who serve our nation.

And it’s not a cabinet pick but I’d totally go for Roseanne Barr as Press Secretary. The briefings would be watchable again and she’d probably do the gig for free too.

One more…Hulk Hogan for US Ambassador to the United Nations. I would give it to him just to see him tear his shirt on the floor of the General Assembly and go “WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN THE 24-INCH PYTHONS OF AMERICA RUN WILD ON YOU?” to the Security Council.

That’s all for this week. Happy Friday! At least we aren’t tasked with actually picking these spots for real. Have a great weekend and we’ll see you next week!