Friends, as you read this it’s Black Friday. The day retailers attempt to move their ledgers into the black by offering deep discounts on shit they marked up to begin with so shoppers feel satisfied as they part with their hard earned dollars.

Unfortunately, Americans no longer give this day the significance it once held. We’ve grown soft with our Cyber Month sales at Amazon and our two-day Wal-Mart deliveries. No longer do we have the killer instinct that produced some viral YouTube videos of grandmothers getting knocked senseless in pursuit of the newest smart TV.

This needs to change. Fortunately, I’ve been thinking of a way to do just that. And my solution to making Black Friday the day it once was will not just rekindle our love of stupid good deals and senseless violence—it’ll help pay down our national debt too.

Interested? Well it really doesn’t matter because I’m going to tell you anyway. Part of the benefits of this gig.

Anyone interested in participating in a Black Friday sale must apply at the store of their choosing. For the sake of this example we’ll say the store in question is Wal-Mart. You will need to submit a liability waiver and the results of a recent physical showing you’re fit enough to participate in the sale. Entries are limited to a total of sixty shoppers per store—thirty men and thirty women.

There are two shopping periods per store. One for men and one for women. On thanksgiving shoppers will be provided with their shopper number drawn at random. The numbers will be, naturally, from one to thirty.

On Black Friday itself, all merchandise will be moved from the store floor to a cage in the parking lot. This cage will be big enough to accommodate the sale merchandise and thirty shoppers.

Shoppers with numbers one and two will begin with five minutes in the cage to shop. Every two minutes another shopper will enter the cage to shop until all thirty shoppers for this period have entered the cage. No shoppers will be allowed to leave the cage of their own accord and head to a checkout lane until all thirty shoppers are in the cage.

Does another shopper have an item you want? You are free to attempt to take that item by any means you choose, including physical violence. They are free to do the same with you. While I’m thinking of it, no outside weapons will be allowed in the cage. Anything inside the cage is fair game to be used as a weapon if one feels the need.

So if granny has a flatscreen TV you want and Junior two aisles over has a Louisville Slugger…do I need to spell it out any further?

If a shopper manages to eject you physically from the cage you automatically forfeit all of your shopping selections and you must sit in a penalty box for three minutes. After that you may return to the cage but be careful: three ejections and you’re out. Black Friday is over for you.

After shopper number thirty has two minutes to shop the timer ends and all shoppers will be allowed to proceed to the checkout with the deals they secured. If anyone wants to compete for extra savings? We can do that.

Welcome to LAST SHOPPER STANDING!

Last Shopper Standing is what it sounds like: the last shopper in the cage gets the best savings! Every person ejected gives the remaining shoppers an extra five percent off the total amount spent in the store. Those ejected still get the same low prices for their efforts, but the winner gets unheard of savings.

A quick bit of math reveals the total time to get thirty people in the cage would be an hour. Checkout may take thirty minutes so with a shopping period for men and women you’re looking at wrapping up Black Friday sales in about four hours tops. That gives the men and women working that day more time to be with their families and who can’t appreciate that during the holidays?

I said this could help pay down the national debt and I meant it. Ten bucks a head for bleacher seats outside, ten bucks a livestream and we’re paying down trillions a year. You know people will watch this. The concept practically screams a new national sport!

The men and women who work the stores on Black Friday will run cameras, referee and handle the checkout lines. We want to make sure they’re insulated from any physicality in the cage.

I think this is a win-win. We make money to pay the nation’s bills, we give people who want to reach for greatness a chance to experience raw, unfiltered capitalism at it’s finest and we get quality Black Friday fights!

What do you say, friends?

Can we…dare I…say…Make Black Friday Great Again?