Dear SJ:

What follows is my annual attempt at a Christmas letter. Normally this is set to Tom Lehrer’s “Christmas Carol.” With the passing of that beloved humorist last year, I thought long and hard about whether I’d use it again this season. I’ve decided to do just that as it’s my way of honoring him. So Mr. Lehrer: will you do the honors?

Christmastime is here by golly, disapproval would be folly
Deck the halls with hunks of holly, fill the cup and don’t say when!

It’s been a wild, chaotic year to say the least. I learned when you spend twenty grand on an RV engine you get free stuff from the mechanic’s merchandising line.

I learned that I knew less about myself than I thought I did, which really isn’t that surprising. I feel like that should be a default attitude for most of humanity, but have you SEEN some people?

Anyway the biggest takeaways from the year were summed up by my wife as we watched “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” last weekend.

“Honey, I’m normally the type for a chintzy, romantic, warm hearted movie but this season’s seemed so damned chaotic this was the only logical option.”

I smiled, nodded and told my wife I agreed. Then I silently thought “Welcome to my world, honey!”

Because I love being right.

Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens, mix the punch, drag out the Dickens,
Even though the prospect sickens, brother here we go again!

We’ve been pulling crazy hours at work the past few weeks so it’s been hard to really indulge in our holiday traditions. Fortunately last weekend we baked cookies for the first time this season. My kids really love baking. I love baked goods, so it’s a win for the entire family.

Tonight we’re going to try something new for the holidays. We’re picking the evening’s entertainment via a coin flip. If Dr. S. wins, we’re watching “Love, Actually.” If I win?

It’s time for the “Star Wars Christmas Special,” folks. Because sometimes you need to put yourself through a little torture at Christmas, am I right?

On Christmas Day you can’t get sore, your fellow man you must adore,
There’s time to rob him all the more the other three hundred and sixty-four!

Show of hands: How many of us think school nurses are figuring out ways at this point to send kids home for effectively the rest of the year? You too? No kidding.

I get it’s the bleakest time of winter. I get there’s illnesses everywhere. Also ten year olds complaining of a headache might have eaten too many sweets during the morning’s holiday party, y’know?

Relations sparing no expense will send some useless old utensil
Or a matching pen and pencil—just the thing I need! How nice!

We’ve got about twenty people in my extended family, which means we’re probably taking out a loan for Christmas presents. Amazon is also our friend. Jeff Bezos gets presents around the globe almost as fast as Santa.

This year, the only thing I want under the tree is a guarantee the HVAC repair techs contracted to service my air conditioner and heat pump won’t back out a third time because of an increase in “heat calls.” We contract for this service, Francis, I pay good money every month to you yokels for these service visits—I would appreciate receiving that for which I paid.

It doesn’t matter how sincere it is or how heartfelt the spirit
Sentiment will not endear it! What’s important is the price!

My son’s gotten into Funko Pop figures this year, so we’ve gotten a few to help boost his collection. These are basically expensive bobbleheads if you’ve never seen one and this generation’s version of Beanie Babies. The difference between Funko Pops and Beanie Babies is they make Funkos out of just about anything.

John Cena? He’s got like seven. Spider-Man? There’s eleven variations, four of which are exclusive to Target. And don’t get me started on the limited edition Harry Potter variants.

Hark the Herald-Tribune sings
Advertising wondrous things!

One of the benefits of streaming TV has been a steep drop off in holiday ads. I’ve not really seen any this year beyond the nostalgic ones like Santa Claus meeting the M&Ms.

That’s one thing we don’t really get anymore—nostalgic Christmas ads. There’s no skating Ronald McDonald for this generation, no polar bears drinking Santa packs of Coca-Cola—it’s all just generic crap now.

If you ask me there’s no better sign of civilizational decline than losing great Christmas ads.

Angels we have heard on high
Tell us to go out and buy!

It’s up in the air if we’re going to a Christmas Eve service this year. Not that we don’t want to go as a family, mind you. We’re all just tired of the constant buy-in this season demands.

Everybody’s got a class party. There’s mid-year supply needs. Snacks need to be covered. And it all happens at the same time and if you don’t give it your all for little Johnny or Tina then you get a reprimand from the principal.

Give us a break! We care about our kids too! We just don’t have two grand to drop on charcuterie boards for fifth graders that like cookies and cocoa just as well!

So let the raucous sleigh bells jingle, hail our dear old friend Kris Kringle
Riding his reindeer across the sky!

From me to all of you: Merry Christmas! I’m taking the holidays off to write the annual SJ Year in Review for 2025. There’s quite a bit of material to work through this year so it’s going to take a minute. See y’all in 2026!

Don’t stand underneath when they fly by!

The above is still great advice, by the way.