Once upon a time, in a far off land of make believe, there were two roommates: a hippopotamus named Hoopy Doopy and a unicorn named Gumdrop.

Hoopy Doopy was from a quiet neighborhood and liked to do things most hippos enjoy: eat snacks, lay in the sun, swim and watch professional wrestling.

Gumdrop, on the other hand, was from a place he often referred to as “The Dark Side of the Tracks.” He didn’t know who his mother and father were, and often sought solace in the ministrations of a French ferret named Pierre, who regularly sold him a magical powder he swore would make Gumdrop more sociable.

When Gumdrop ingested this magic powder, he did seem at first to become more friendly. If Gumdrop took too much of Pierre’s magic powder he eventually reached a state he called “All Gas, No Brakes With It, YADDAMEAN?” This was when Gumdrop took every single comment addressed to him as either an unconscionable jape or jest.

Being an honorable unicorn, Gumdrop did not suffer any unconscionable comment or derogatory remark lightly. If he did perceive a remark as uncouth, he would suggest the utterer retract that statement before Gumdrop “dog walked that ass.” What happened after that is pretty much a matter of court records only. Gumdrop mentioned once after a couple of bourbons that he’d been “locked down in that box” and he “would go to hell before he went back.”

Despite the two’s marked differences, they were the best of friends and loved each other’s company dearly.

One morning Gumdrop walked into the TV room of the duplex the two shared. Hoopy was watching old VHS tapes of “Tuesday Night Titans” and eating beef jerky.

“Big Uce,” Gumdrop said to his friend. “I’m headed to the corner store for a forty and some Ho-Hos. You want anything?”

“Yeah, man, get me some rolling papers and a box of Lucky Charms. We’ll light a fat cone when you get back,” the hippo replied.

So with an unofficial shopping list in mind, Gumdrop headed to the corner store run by an old associate of his: a bear named Bo Dega.

“Sup Gumdrop” Bo the Bear said when he saw his old running buddy. “You want to try the chopped cheese special today? Only $3.99!”

“Naw Uce, I’m just here for home Ho-Hos and a forty of Mad Dog” replied the Unicorn. “I do need to take a shit though.”

“You know where the can is,” said Bo, thumbing towards the rear.

Gumdrop made his way back to the store bathroom, where he proceeded to do four bumps of Pierre’s magic powder. Cleaning up and washing his hooves, Gumdrop admired himself in the bathroom mirror. He was in a much better place in life than he’d ever been. He’d gone from EBT to Super Fly Unicorn status in life.

He was, for better or worse now, “All Gas, No Brakes With It.” Yaddamean?

Exiting the bathroom the Unicorn heard something very concerning. It was the sounds of Bo the Bear telling some other animal to “take it easy” and reminding him the store’s master safe was on a time lock he had no ability to bypass.

“Just shut the fuck up and give me the goddamn money in the register, you big bear bitch!” a voice shouted. It sounded like a crackheaded ring-tailed lemur to Gumdrop.

Gumdrop grabbed a mop and laid the handle across the back of his arm. As he slowly approached the register, he saw his original thoughts confirmed. It was a crack-addicted ring-tailed lemur named Gustavo Gumdrop had been locked up with in the box a long time ago. The two had once done a bit in county for armed robbery.

While Gumdrop was somewhat on the straight and narrow these days, Gustavo clearly had never left what the two referred to as “That Life.”

And it was officially fucking with Gumdrop’s day. This would not stand.

He waited until he was within striking distance of the lemur. Fortunately Gustavo was neither perceptive nor bright. He didn’t notice the larger unicorn behind him until he heard Gumdrop yell “SURPRISE, BITCH!”

The lemur turned and caught a length of mop handle between the eyes. He went down like a sack of potatoes. Gumdrop let out a neigh of satisfaction as he rubbed his ass on the unconscious lemur. “Take a picture of this with my cell phone, homie!” he told Bo the Bear.

Bo, needless to say, gratefully obliged his friend. Gumdrop rifled through Gustavo’s wallet and came up with $20 which he took. He used the lemur’s money to pay for his purchases and asked Bo the Bear if he was good until the police arrived.

“For sure, homes. I didn’t see you here. The jackass on the floor had a seizure and hit his head falling down,” the Bear said with a smile and a wink.

Dapping up his old running buddy, Gumdrop left as sirens started to break the silence.

“Hey man did you get my papers?” Hoopy Doopy asked when Gumdrop came home. Gumdrop tossed him a pack of Zig-Zags and Hoopy Doopy smiled.

“Hell yeah,” the hippo said.

As the two lit up, Hoopy Doopy asked his best friend “How was your trip to the store?”

“Sheeit,” Gumdrop said as the joint came his way, “You know how it is. Sometimes you gotta dog walk a fool who steps to you.”

“Word,” said Hoopy Doopy.

Then the two played Mario Kart.