The cruise’s first big port destination was the Dominican Republic. The ship docked in Taino Bay, which is a very touristy area before one gets into the heart of the island itself. Today was going to be a big day: my family had a planned tour of Ocean World.

Ocean World is a theme park of sorts allowing one to interact with all manner of sea and land creatures from the island. Guests can meet capybaras, feed lovebirds and even learn snorkeling in the fishy pools splattered across the campus. My family and I were there to meet the main attractions as far as we were concerned: the dolphins.

We met our tour guide, Ariel, at the bus station in Taino Bay. After a brief safety meeting over the park’s basic rules and signing a waiver, we rode a charter bus into Ocean World proper. We put our stuff in the lockers provided to us and showered before getting snorkeling equipment and going for a swim in one of the fish ponds to get use to the water.

I hadn’t snorkeled in a long time and it took me a minute to get used to breathing through a plastic tube in my mouth. No big deal though, the pond was a great way to get back into snorkeling form and a sublime spot to teach the kids. It was basically a circular loop where one entered at one end and exited after going all the way around.

I still looked like a jackass climbing out of the damn pool. Not sure how anyone’s supposed to be graceful in those circumstances. Maybe pro divers have it easier?

Anyway, next we took some time to feed the park’s gaggle of lovebirds. This was a surreal moment too as my family was handed birdseed. My kids giggled as the tiny colorful birds flew en masse to our outstretched hands and pecked them clean of birdseed. A few even decided they liked my wife’s red hair and took up residence on her head while we were in this particular location. Wildlife enthusiasts need not worry as the birds took the hint and flew back to their perches when it was time to go.

Next it was time to play with some dolphins. If you’ve never had the chance to experience dolphins up close and personal, they’re truly fantastic creatures. Dolphins are smart, athletic and extremely strong. We were given a boogie board at one point and told to hold on while the dolphins pushed us by our feet across the encounter pool. The two dolphins had zero issues pushing me along like I weighed nothing.

Once I got about halfway across the pool I remembered something. Dolphins fuck with sharks for fun and games. It made me incredibly glad I wasn’t pissing these two off. One of them was quite mischievous and made fart noises once when I posed with it for pictures.

“Hey! Rude much? Dolphins don’t make noises like that” one trainer said to me before bursting with laughter at the rather crude joke. Fortunately my sense of humor was on par with that of my ten year old son’s, so we were all laughing.

Next on the agenda was the sea lion show. These trainers are all incredible with their animals and extremely good sports so the show was mostly comedy bits. A highlight was seeing a sea lion attempt to give a trainer playing dead mouth to mouth.

Lunch was a buffet and where I met one of the rudest people in the seven seas. For the sake of this bit I will refer to this obese blond harpy as “Norwegian Karen.”

Our tour guide led us to a covered pavilion with air conditioning and a private spread set up inside. We were told to sit at a certain table and after getting situated we started to get plates for the spread as Norwegian Karen made her move.

“Excuse me, I don’t think you guys are supposed to be here. This is a private buffet for our tour group.”

“Okay, our tour guide brought us here and we’re getting a buffet lunch too,” my wife said.

“No you don’t understand,” Norwegian Karen continued. She puffed herself full of self-righteousness, drew up to her full height, and said dramatically “We’re with Norwegian.”

As if half the people in the goddamn park weren’t in the same situation.

“No shit lady, so are we,” I said and started to fill my plate.

That’s when Ariel knocked on the glass door of the pavilion, opened it, stuck his head inside and said “Sorry folks, my mistake. You’re coming to get food at the outdoor buffet line” before rejoining the rest of our little tour group.

Big deal, I thought. We put the plates down and started to head outside for the food when Norwegian Karen opened her yapper to declare victory.

“That’s what I thought, bitch,” she said.

Bad form, Norwegian Karen. Bad form to call me or my wife that.

I started to do what my wife calls “vibrating,” which is a general period of grumpiness before I motherfucker someone into next week. I nearly threw a drink on her when I noticed the elderly companion she was escorting around looked to be a) her mother, and b) blind.

So out of respect for the mother…well, largely due to the fact mommy couldn’t see what kind of a horrible bitch her daughter had become or see said clod get her comeuppance, I did nothing and continued on with my day. We went back to the ship and mercifully I never dealt with that woman for the remainder of the cruise.

In closing: Norwegian Karen, I checked your little private spread after I finished eating and it was the same goddamn bland ass food served outside. Hope the little tantrum you pulled was worth it to your miserable little ego. And may you get incurable mouth sores.

No, folks, I’m not petty. I just have a refined sense of right and wrong.

See you next week!