Friends, as I write this it’s the start of the FIFA World Cup 2026. The tournament that’s supposed to embody the spirit of “The Beautiful Game.” It’s America’s turn at hosting the major sporting event the rest of the world loves so much.

I have questions.

Mind you I’m not exactly the person the World Cup wants to reach. I’m a middle-aged white guy from Tennessee who loves college football (the kind that involves hands) and my New England Patriots. My last sporting event I attended was a local minor league baseball game.

This will probably trigger some leftists, but the only reason I’m actually watching the World Cup right now is it’s on FOX. So with that out of the way, let’s discuss what’s wrong with this crap.

First of all, why do the players have to run around so much kicking the ball? Doesn’t that get tiresome after a certain point? What if we just did straight penalty kicks against a goalie? That seems like it would be more entertaining, right?

How can people take a game seriously where a common score is 0-0 (or “Nil-Nil” as our British friends call it)? Don’t you need to see at least some points scored for the game to be interesting?

Why is kicking a round ball around for hours considered a “Beautiful game?” With something like hockey you need specialized equipment, ice time, and at least some agility. Doesn’t this reduce athletics to who can basically kick a tin can down the street better?

A crucial question for every American: Where’s the fights?

Speaking of our country, this is our nation’s 250th anniversary and the first game of the World Cup is Mexico vs. South Africa. How is that a thing? Why isn’t America the first team to play if we’re technically hosting this shit?

Is Jasmine Crockett a deeply stupid person or is it just me?

What beta cuck designed this shit where they do yellow cards and red cards for penalties? In pro wrestling the referee gets to throw people the fuck out of the match in a nice, overly exaggerated manner. Why can’t they just do that in soccer?

Can we all agree this year that while it’s being hosted in the Americas, on America’s 250th birthday no less, that we’re going to call this shit soccer? Why do we need to cater to the rest of the world on that? We’re AMERICANS, dammit. Our opinions are more important than anyone else’s.

In fact, here’s a great idea to speed this shit up. We need to cut the size of the soccer pitch down to about 40 feet or so. Just big enough to where we can stick a big ass steel cage over it. Then we can electrify the cage to the voltage of your average Taser. When a player goes out of bounds the result will be rather…shocking.

Heh.

Don’t forget the barbed wire! Surely most of these developing nations are familiar with barbed wire. Let’s string that around the electrified cage as well. Just to make sure we keep everybody in the right spots.

One more thing. These games take too long. Let’s take a page from one of America’s greatest sporting franchises, the Savannah Bananas. Every game gets a one hour clock. We’re going to rig the outside of the pitch’s cages with bombs. Nothing serious, mind you. We’re taking at least enough punch to these explosives so the cage will fall in on the players at the conclusion of one hour.

If there’s not a definitive winner at the end of sixty minutes? BAM! The cage collapses on the players and fans go home happy, albeit in a very disturbing manner.

It’s like I’m giving this shit away to you, FIFA. Keep up.

Yes, I’m aware most of this is copied from Japan’s traditions of exploding ring barbed wire electric steel cage matches. Did I not mention this is America and we culturally appropriate like no one’s business?

Anyway, I’m just saying. I respect and admire the cultural diversity of soccer, but this year we need to focus on what makes America truly great. And if that means adding electric steel cages and bombs to soccer, then so be it.

You’re welcome, world.

See y’all next week!