HEYA MON! Feeling Irie? Want to get away from it all and sail to a warmer climate?

That’s what the family and I did last week when we took a cruise to the Caribbean for my wife’s birthday. We’d planned to do this for the better part of the year and it didn’t disappoint in the slightest.

As your humble humorist embarked on this adventure, however, I made the decision to chronicle the entire voyage so you would have the benefit of all my wonderful opinions and observations should you choose to follow in my footsteps.

You’re welcome. I’m noble and humble like that. Continue reading →

Once upon a time, in a far off land of make believe, there were two roommates: a hippopotamus named Hoopy Doopy and a unicorn named Gumdrop.

Hoopy Doopy was from a quiet neighborhood and liked to do things most hippos enjoy: eat snacks, lay in the sun, swim and watch professional wrestling.

Gumdrop, on the other hand, was from a place he often referred to as “The Dark Side of the Tracks.” He didn’t know who his mother and father were, and often sought solace in the ministrations of a French ferret named Pierre, who regularly sold him a magical powder he swore would make Gumdrop more sociable. Continue reading →

I was going to talk about this eventually, I swear.

What do you get when you take a business that’s known to be more “entertainment” than “sport” and give the pure entertainment side it’s own television show?

You get “WWE: Unreal,” the “docuseries” currently in its second season on Netflix that offers viewers a look inside the formerly-secretive “Writer’s Room” of World Wrestling Entertainment.

Let me be completely honest: I have a really hard time with this show. Part of wrestling’s allure has always been the suspension of disbelief that lets fans on occasion think that even though everything else is bullshit, that one thing they saw on the card was real. Continue reading →

I caught my wife muttering curses under her breath and filling out forms that looked strangely familiar the other day. On closer inspection, I realized they were Girl Scout Cookie forms.

“Sweetie,” I said, approaching the subject with trepidation, “didn’t you deal with Girl Scout Cookies last year? Isn’t it someone else’s turn?”

“Yes, and [REDACTED] said she’d do it, which means I have to do it or everything’s going to be messed up” she replied.

Oh boy, I thought. Here we go again. Continue reading →

BREAKING NEWS MUSIC PLAYS

Good evening. This is your No BS Nightly News. I’m Paul Marcarelli.

In the wake of a massive cellphone outage across the United States following the removal of Venezuelan dictator Nicolas Maduro and the shooting of a mother in Minneapolis by an ICE agent, everyone across the political spectrum came together on Wednesday night to share one common opinion: our cellphone networks are shit, and the major carriers can kiss our asses. Continue reading →

In Driftwood County, Alabama, there’s a veterinary medicine practice led by the legendary Ol’ Doc Butler, who once delivered a baby calf and spayed a barn cat for a Thanksgiving turkey and sides. This is the private file of his office manager, who just so happens to be named Karen.—CLS

NOVEMBER 12

About two or three days a month Doc Butler fires up his old Camper van and does a vaccine clinic in Driftwood County. Doc’s big on giving back to the neighbors and not so hot on technology so we send a tech with him that schedules all the vaccine appointments.

The tech’s pretty smart. She came up with this system where everything’s done via text messages. I stuck my nose up at this until I found out it created a hell of a paper trail for resolving disputes. Oh you wanted a rabies AND a bordetella shot? Where’s it say so on the text message chain we’ve had for a week over this? Add in payment links so people can pay with their stupid phones and it’s genius. Continue reading →

Greetings, friends! Wait, we ARE friends, right? I’d like to think so with the amount of time some of you spend here…but I’m already getting off track. WELCOME TO 2026!

Do you have your matter replicators or flying cars yet? No? Me neither. So to ease the pain of all those science fiction promises that have yet to materialize, let’s all gather round the dust bin of history and wish one final “fuck you” and “farewell” to 2025 with this, the Simple Justice Year in Review from yours truly!

As longtime readers know, I usually try to summarize the year in a word. This time the word that fits best in my humble opinion is “turbulent.” Between geopolitical strife, rank stupidity from our elected officials in America, and general stupidity from the public, it seemed like everything was shaking all around us for the duration of the calendar year. And yet here we are, mostly safe and untouched except for the bother of having to keep our proverbial seatbelts fastened for the entirely of the flight. Continue reading →

Dear SJ:

What follows is my annual attempt at a Christmas letter. Normally this is set to Tom Lehrer’s “Christmas Carol.” With the passing of that beloved humorist last year, I thought long and hard about whether I’d use it again this season. I’ve decided to do just that as it’s my way of honoring him. So Mr. Lehrer: will you do the honors?

Christmastime is here by golly, disapproval would be folly
Deck the halls with hunks of holly, fill the cup and don’t say when! Continue reading →

Prefatory note: Yep. I think I’ve officially lost it.—CLS

‘Twas the night before Christmas, in Mud Lick so still

Sheriff Roy Templeton locked up every grill

Tyrone’s on vacation, thank God—he’s dim as a drill.

The station was quiet, Just two drunks in a cell Continue reading →

TITLE CARD: JUST THE NIGHTLY NEWS
important sounding music

VO: And now, just the nightly news. Good evening, this is Los Angeles. Your host is Kent Halsey.

Camera up on Kent Halsey in the main newsroom

HALSEY: Good evening, this is Los Angeles and this is your nightly news. In our top story a raccoon broke into a Virginia ABC liquor store and had its fair share of peanut butter whisky, vodka and moonshine. The animal then rampaged towards the men’s bathroom before passing out from intoxication, where store owners found it the following morning. Continue reading →