Author Archives: Chris Seaton

Seaton: Deputy Tyrone’s Christmas Essay

Prefatory note: this was weird. I was at the grocery store when someone in a Sheriff’s office uniform approached me with a stack of papers. I assumed I was being served until I noticed the pages were wide ruled and written in crayon.

 “The Sheriff needs your help deciphering this,” the deputy told me before abruptly leaving. I took my time parsing through the terrible scribbling and, well, read on. You’ll see, –CLS

Dear Sheriff Roy, Continue reading

Seaton: The SJ Year In Review

If you’re reading this, congratulations. We did it. We survived 2020. It’s worth celebrating.

While I’m sure most of us would love to relegate 2020 to the dust bin of history, it’s important we take a moment to appreciate how batshit insane the year was and give it true justice by making fun of the weirdness.

The only problem with doing a proper 2020 year in review is the sheer volume of material. So much happened in the last year some weeks flew by in minutes. So if a particular item of interest isn’t here, feel free to let us know in the comments. Let’s get started. Cast your minds back to… Continue reading

Seaton: The Problematic “Santa Clause”

Merry Christmas everyone!  Hopefully you’re reading this with a hot cup of your favorite beverage in hand after a visit from Santa. Speaking of that jolly old elf, he’s sort of the subject of today’s post. Imagine that. Topical humor from little ol’ me.

“The Santa Clause” trilogy of films are among my better half’s favorite Christmas movies. We watch them every year in a marathon session. If you’re not familiar with them, Tim Allen plays Scott Calvin, a guy who dons Santa’s suit after an accident and becomes Santa Claus, frolicking his way through Christmas-themed adventures. Continue reading

Seaton: Crime and Punishment, Pandemic Edition

What you’re about to read was written initially during the first lockdowns as an absurd mechanism of coping with the pandemic. I set it aside at the time as it didn’t seem right then to share it. I hope you enjoy it.—CLS

Carl checked his watch as he made his way to the jail doors. The time was 1:45. I should make my two o’ clock on time, Carl thought. Clients always appreciate punctuality.

Although times were different, Carl made a point to wear a fresh three-piece-suit and carry his leather briefcase to every client meeting. He firmly believed keeping up appearances gave clients a sense of safety in a world gone mad. Continue reading

Seaton: Deputy Miranda’s Thanksgiving Guest

“Evening Ernie,” Francine’s voice crackled through the radio.

“Evening Francine,” Deputy Ernesto Miranda replied. “Sheriff Roy’s got you on dispatch tonight?”

“Norma Jean’s on maternity leave, so a few of us are covering for her. Could you handle a roadside distress call?”

“You mean like a flat tire? Isn’t that Garage 66’s wheelhouse?” Continue reading

Seaton: Saturday At The Knoll

It was a good Saturday night at the Grassy Knoll Pub.

Patrons just finished the nightly tradition of singing “Sweet Home Alabama” while the jukebox played. The Tide’s win meant business was up. All this had owner Jesse Custer in a jovial mood from his spot behind the bar.

Custer’s mood gave way to disbelief when two black SUVs pulled up to the curb at closing time.

Here we go again, Jesse thought. Continue reading

Seaton: Unsolicited Advice

Tuesday I turn 40. I’ve finally reached a point in life where I resemble my spirit animal, Terry Funk: Middle-aged and crazy.

In celebration of this occasion I’m going to indulge myself and hand out some Unsolicited Advice from a self-professed middle-aged crazy man on the Internet who you should probably never listen to.

Unless, of course, you agree with me. Continue reading

Seaton: A Mayor In Quarantine

At home, Mayor Tribe sat in his comfortable gaming chair playing “Fortnite” on his Xbox when he noticed something peculiar on his security camera monitor. A Mud Lick Sheriff’s Department cruiser had pulled into his driveway, lights activated.

“Will someone see what the fuck’s the problem?” Tribe yelled to no one in particular. Switching his game off, he studied the security monitor. Deputy Ernesto Miranda was now visible at his front door. Miranda carried a duffle bag and sported an N95 mask and gloves in addition to his uniform.

“How can I help you, Deputy Miranda?” Mayor Tribe asked. Continue reading

Seaton: Crowdsourced Smart-Assery (Toobin Edition)

Friends, I’m going to be completely honest with you this week. I actually had something ready that was smart, funny, topical, and educational for this Friday’s Funny. Then I realized SJ’d gone a full week without mentioning the Jeffrey Toobin incident. It will be a cold day in hell before I miss a chance like this to make some dick jokes.

Jeffrey Toobin is an author and legal analyst for CNN. One outlet to which Toobin contributed was The New Yorker. That publication announced his suspension Monday when a story broke he’d been caught masturbating during a company zoom call. Continue reading