Author Archives: Chris Seaton

Seaton: Ivy League School Endorses Stupid Online Speech Law

Harvard’s admissions committee ended the week standing beside Massachusetts Governor Gerald “McNutty” Wanker as he advocated for a new law strengthening penalties against cyberbullying.

The move was another eye-raising one by the Ivy League institution, which started the week by rescinding the admission of an incoming freshman for making stupid remarks at age sixteen in a private Google document.

“We’re certainly not criminalizing speech,” remarked Governor Wanker, as cameras flashed on his Botox-enhanced grin.

That would run foul of the First Amendment, or so the ACLU and a boatload of lawyers tell me. What we’re doing here is criminalizing conduct! Kids have to know telling their peers to eat shit and die on Facebook is not okay, and when we lock someone away for fifty years because of a hateful tweet, it’ll be a wakeup call.

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Seaton: Sheriff Roy’s Personnel Problems

Sheriff Roy Templeton of Mud Lick, Alabama was not having a good week.

“Of all the stunts he’d try to pull during Pride month,” the Sheriff grumbled at a video playing on his computer screen. Templeton’s surly attitude was interrupted by a voice coming from his phone.

“Sheriff? Deputy Pitts is here like you wanted,” his secretary said through the speaker.

Templeton punched a button on his handset and barked, “Tell Deputy Pitts to get his ass in here.” Continue reading

Seaton: Local Pro Se Defendant Shocked At Guilty Verdict

Lance Sonorus, who self-identifies as “a guy who knows everything,” left a courtroom in shock and shackles this week after a jury found him guilty of assaulting an elderly man with a milkshake.

“I don’t get it,” Sonorus muttered, contemplating his sentencing from a local jail cell.

I researched my case on the internet for months. I posted several pressing questions to Reddit. I even pirated a copy of the Federal Rules of Evidence so I would know how to introduce stuff. And I’m still guilty? What went wrong?

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Seaton: Woke Teachers Wonder Where Things Went Wrong

A group of college professors met this week to solve a crucial problem facing academia: why they can’t just teach anymore.

“We gave them trigger warnings on syllabi, safe spaces for disagreeable speakers, and emotional support animals in the classroom,” one professor sobbed. “Now they roam the campus in golf carts, wielding baseball bats to attack us when we don’t cater to their every whim!”

Another looked nervously out a window before adding, “It would’ve been nice if we didn’t have to write a statement each year affirming diversity and inclusion in our classrooms. What the hell does diversity and inclusion have to do with physics?” Continue reading

Seaton: Community In Shock As Neighbors Civilly Disagree

A quiet suburban community is reeling from the horrific tragedy of two men leaving a home dinner mutually agreeing to disagree with each other over certain controversial subjects.

“Look, I like Jim,” said John Anderson, “We meet every week or two with our spouses for dinner, and we’ll try occasionally to find common ground on stuff, but I just think he’s wrong about a few things. He’s got great taste in scotch, though!”

“I’ve known John ever since he and his husband moved to the neighborhood,” quipped Jim Stone. “He’s an incredibly smart guy and very generous with his time to anyone who asks. I just fundamentally disagree with him on a few issues and have since we first met.” Continue reading

Seaton: Task Force To Study Task Force’s Failures

A blue-ribbon task force, comprised of plaintiffs’ personal injury attorneys, appellate judges, lawmakers, and counsel to the Governor, assembled in Madison, Wisconsin this week to determine why proposals from the previous task force assigned to address Wisconsin’s failing indigent defense system didn’t work.

“Obviously, we’ve got to do something here,” said Judge Marcus Brody.

The last time we put a task force on indigent defense together they made great holistic recommendations like raising pay rates for lawyers taking court appointed cases, mandatory training for potential indigent defense counsel, and a review of the state’s cash bail system. But here we are, three years later and a quarter of a million dollars in the hole, and all the state legislature did is give private attorneys an extra $5 per hour for their in-court time!”

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Seaton: Protestors Protest Decades Old Hurtful Comments

Tensions at a prominent university burst last week when protestors swarmed the campus administrative complex demanding popular Astronomy professor Dr. Charles Schlossman be fired over ill-advised comments about women in the workplace allegedly made at a conference twenty-seven years ago.

While no audio, video, or written record of these alleged comments exists, protestors in attendance agreed Schlossman’s termination wasn’t enough. Their official list of demands included President Julius Wolfenbarger’s immediate resignation, a statement from the school denouncing institutionalized misogyny, and every protestor in attendance getting a free maple bacon glazed donut. Except for Mandy Rose, a Junior in the drama department, who’s vegan. She’ll requires tofu. Continue reading

Seaton: Bicoastal Intellectuals Fail Free Speech

The Smart Guys’ Secret Social Network, a ragtag band of heterodox thinkers from all walks of life, recently convened in Los Angeles to discuss what the group saw as an ever rising tide of social media trolls and online attacks.

“It’s getting really tiresome,” moaned Guy Stuben, host of popular YouTube channel “The Stuben Retort.”

You can mute and block all day long, but eventually you need to address certain attacks, because they carry negative consequences if you just ignore them.

Everyone nodded in approval. Continue reading

Seaton: Mixed Reactions To Mud Lick’s MRAP

“SKEEW, Boys, we gots us a doggone tank!” cried Sheriff Joe Bob Briggs of Mud Lick, Alabama, on presentation of a retired MRAP vehicle procured from Alabama’s new Helping Our Loved Defenders Make Your Backyards Even Extra Safer program, otherwise known as the HOLD MY BEERS Act.

The purpose of the HOLD MY BEERS program is to donate out-of-service military equipment, like MRAPs*, fully automatic rifles and grenades to state law enforcement personnel, who are totally trusted to never misuse stuff like this at any time. Ever. Lucky Alabama counties are chosen via random lottery for these important law enforcement implements, which we all know will never make police feel like warriors on a battlefield while carrying out their duties. Continue reading

Seaton: The Unpersoned And The Unpaid Debt

Aaron Hernandez’s story weighed heavily on my mind recently thanks to the Boston Globe’s series “Gladiator.” One particular aspect of the former New England Patriot’s woes particularly bothered me. Once arrested on a charge of first degree murder, his former team tried to erase him from history.

It didn’t take long for the NFL and the Patriots to stop selling Aaron Hernandez jerseys online following the tight end getting arrested and charged with murder. The Pats took things a step further by offering a free exchange over the weekend for Patriots fans who wanted to rid themselves of their Hernandez jerseys.

The swap was quite popular with more than 1,200 fans showing up to flip their jerseys. And all told, the Patriots ended up losing about $250,000 during the swap, team owner Robert Kraft said Monday when speaking on Hernandez for the first time publicly since the tight end’s arrest.

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