Hello, friends! It’s your humble humorist with a quick check in before I flee blessed Knoxville for the harsh environs of Vermont for my father-in-law’s birthday. I have an exciting announcement to make: I’m a published musician now!

Don’t congratulate me too much. There’s a bit of a dumb story here.

I got into a mood last week when I injured my shoulder and decided I wanted to learn how to DJ. How I was to do this, I had zero idea, but that’s what the internet is for, right? Learning random shit at a moment’s notice?

After arguing with my nine-year-old son that yes, I totally could create an album in a day and being determined to prove I’m right, I decided to take an efficiency shortcut. I used an AI app to create my DJ name. Continue reading →

Friends, have you ever sat down to watch a television show expecting a few cheap laughs at the expense of others and then find yourself wondering if you should apologize for wasting several hours of your television’s life? That would be your humble humorist after several seasons of an Investigation Discovery show my better half subjected me to called “The Curious Case of Natalia Grace.” I went in thinking this would be a new “Tiger King” at which to gawk, and now have left the series finale with a bad taste in my mouth and less faith in humanity.

If you’ve yet to experience this mess allow me to attempt to break this wreck down like the massive “Final Destination”-sized car crash it is. An Indiana couple named Michael and Kristine Barnett adopt a little girl from Ukraine named Natalia Grace. Continue reading →

Prefatory Note: Happy Weekend before Easter everyone! You might figure out from the context clues what I’m planning to do this weekend.—CLS

Sheriff Roy Templeton leaned back in his creaky office chair, sipping coffee that tasted like it’d been brewed in a tractor engine. It was Good Friday in Mud Lick, Alabama, and the town was buzzing with anticipation for the annual Easter egg hunt. Kids were primed to scramble across the field behind First Baptist, chasing candy-filled plastic eggs, while parents prayed the sugar high wouldn’t last past supper.

Roy, being the sensible sort, had no intention of attending—crowds of sticky-fingered young’uns weren’t his idea of a holiday. Besides, he’d rather be home leveling up his base in Crashlands 2, but duty had a way of dragging him into messes he’d prefer to avoid. Continue reading →

A RELATIVELY SHORT TIME AGO IN A PLACE NOT TOO FAR AWAY—

It was December 8, 1982, and the Grassy Knoll Pub in Driftwood County was buzzing like a hive of slightly drunk bees. The premiere of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial was happening that night in some fancy theater a few towns over, but Cassidy, the perpetually soused Irish doorman, didn’t give a rat’s arse about Spielberg or his wrinkly little alien. He was too busy pouring pints of Guinness for the locals and eyeballing the two newcomers who’d stumbled in around 7 PM, looking like they’d just escaped a Radio Shack explosion. Continue reading →

Greetings, faithful patrons of the SJ Hotel! While the world spins ever onward into chaos—March 21 2025, if you’re keeping score—I find myself planted firmly in Knoxville, Tennessee, sipping a cold Diet Dr. Pepper and contemplating the meaning of life. Or at least the meaning of not burning vacation days on a boat with 3,000 strangers who think “all-you-can-eat shrimp” is a personality trait.

My esteemed colleague, let’s call her “Cruise Girl” (because I’m petty and she’s currently floating somewhere off the Gulf Coast), decided to ditch terra firma for a week of seasickness and overpriced margaritas. Me? I’m having a staycation, and it’s glorious. Continue reading →

Prefatory Note: To close out the month of February I’m pleased to share with all of you a pilot for a TV sitcom I recently wrote. It’s based off a Friday Funny post that was kind of a weird fever-dream sort of thing during the pandemic and I’m honestly not even sure if it’s on the website anymore (SHG does the post title here ring a bell? Just curious.)[Ed. Note: It’s here.].

Anyway I wanted to bring Glen the Grocery Store Greeter to the modern era and try to make him funny today. Hope you enjoy this because next week shit’s going to get weird.—CLS

COLD OPEN

INT. VOLUNTEER VALUE MART – ENTRANCE – NIGHT Continue reading →

Friends, it’s February 20, 2025, and I’m officially declaring war on snow. Yes, that fluffy white bastard that turns Knoxville into a scene from The Shining minus the charm of Jack Nicholson chasing me with an axe. I’ve had it. Done. Finito. If I see one more snowflake drift down like it’s auditioning for a Hallmark movie, I’m going to lose what’s left of my mind, and trust me, there ain’t much left after the Girl Scout cookie season gauntlet.

Let’s set the stage. It’s East Tennessee, where winter usually means a light dusting of frost that melts by noon and leaves us free to argue about college football in peace. But no, not this week. This week, Mother Nature decided to cosplay as Elsa from Frozen and dump YET MORE snow on my driveway, my car, and my soul. Continue reading →

Good morning and Happy Valentine’s Day to those who celebrate such things. I’m in a mood and ready to ruin some people’s good day, so let’s get right to it.

Did you watch the Super Bowl Halftime show this year? Did you understand a bit of it? If you did, then you are not a 44-year-old white father of two who listens to Pat Benatar and Steely Dan on a regular basis. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, mind you.

Anyway, that short fellow was a rapper named Kendrick Lamar. And his Super Bowl halftime show was basically his “Wrestlemania moment” in his ongoing feud with Canadian rapper Drake. Continue reading →

Cassidy, boyo, the drink’s finally gotten yeh.

The Irish doorman of the Grassy Knoll Pub had no other explanation for what had to be the hallucination of four men in Hawaiian shirts colorfully decorated with the heads of Shiba Inu dogs wearing sunglasses. They’d emerged from a very official looking black Suburban which said “Department of Government Efficiency” in gold lettering.

And one of the hallucinations was now talking to Cassidy. Continue reading →

We’re currently in the thick of Girl Scout Cookie season, that time of year when those adorable little girls in uniforms who look like they could sell Donald Trump the Brooklyn Bridge marshal their ranks into the cutest sales force on the planet to sell us drugs.

Don’t stare at me like that. How else can you describe the effects these cookies have on grown adults? Geez, the way some of you consume Thin Mints, it’s like you think the word “thin” will apply to your waistline. Continue reading →