Happy Independence Day, friends! For those of you who don’t celebrate, fuck you. This is a joyous day for celebrating everything American!

But I must confess, I’m concerned about a lot of my American friends today. It seems there’s a lot of people who don’t think America is great. They’re not proud of this country and they don’t think there’s anything good or redeeming about it.

Fuck that. This is the greatest goddamn country in the world. There’s no place better and I’m going to give you a list of reasons why. Continue reading →

To begin, my uncle served in Vietnam and my father-in-law is a retired Army Colonel. So this whole bit’s going to be very pro military. If that bothers you, go somewhere else today.

It is extremely impressive to me that our military took seven B2 stealth bombers in Missouri, had them fly over 30 hours to Iran, they dropped bombs on targets basically the size of exhaust ports on the Death Star and then flew back home with zero American casualties.

The fact that we dropped said bombs through exhaust ports at Fordo will never stop being funny to me because it means the Iranian “geniuses” who designed that place never saw Star Wars. GEORGE LUCAS DESIGNED THE DEATH STAR THAT WAY SO NO ONE WOULD DO THAT. Wake up, Iran. Continue reading →

Hello again, friends! Welcome back to the Friday Funny, where we dive into the absurd, the awkward, and the downright questionable with a smirk and a raised eyebrow. As kids, we were told there’s no such thing as a stupid question. Those people were liars. Stupid questions flood the universe every second—some whispered in boardrooms, others shouted in comment sections. But there’s another breed of question: the ones we avoid asking, not because they’re dumb, but because they’re… delicate. They tiptoe on the edge of decorum, threatening to topple into a social minefield.

Well, today, we’re throwing caution to the wind. This is a safe place, folks! Let’s unpack some of those questions I’ve been dodging, with a bit of wit and a lot of curiosity. Continue reading →

Hello, friends! It’s your humble humorist with a quick check in before I flee blessed Knoxville for the harsh environs of Vermont for my father-in-law’s birthday. I have an exciting announcement to make: I’m a published musician now!

Don’t congratulate me too much. There’s a bit of a dumb story here.

I got into a mood last week when I injured my shoulder and decided I wanted to learn how to DJ. How I was to do this, I had zero idea, but that’s what the internet is for, right? Learning random shit at a moment’s notice?

After arguing with my nine-year-old son that yes, I totally could create an album in a day and being determined to prove I’m right, I decided to take an efficiency shortcut. I used an AI app to create my DJ name. Continue reading →

Friends, have you ever sat down to watch a television show expecting a few cheap laughs at the expense of others and then find yourself wondering if you should apologize for wasting several hours of your television’s life? That would be your humble humorist after several seasons of an Investigation Discovery show my better half subjected me to called “The Curious Case of Natalia Grace.” I went in thinking this would be a new “Tiger King” at which to gawk, and now have left the series finale with a bad taste in my mouth and less faith in humanity.

If you’ve yet to experience this mess allow me to attempt to break this wreck down like the massive “Final Destination”-sized car crash it is. An Indiana couple named Michael and Kristine Barnett adopt a little girl from Ukraine named Natalia Grace. Continue reading →

Prefatory Note: Happy Weekend before Easter everyone! You might figure out from the context clues what I’m planning to do this weekend.—CLS

Sheriff Roy Templeton leaned back in his creaky office chair, sipping coffee that tasted like it’d been brewed in a tractor engine. It was Good Friday in Mud Lick, Alabama, and the town was buzzing with anticipation for the annual Easter egg hunt. Kids were primed to scramble across the field behind First Baptist, chasing candy-filled plastic eggs, while parents prayed the sugar high wouldn’t last past supper.

Roy, being the sensible sort, had no intention of attending—crowds of sticky-fingered young’uns weren’t his idea of a holiday. Besides, he’d rather be home leveling up his base in Crashlands 2, but duty had a way of dragging him into messes he’d prefer to avoid. Continue reading →

A RELATIVELY SHORT TIME AGO IN A PLACE NOT TOO FAR AWAY—

It was December 8, 1982, and the Grassy Knoll Pub in Driftwood County was buzzing like a hive of slightly drunk bees. The premiere of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial was happening that night in some fancy theater a few towns over, but Cassidy, the perpetually soused Irish doorman, didn’t give a rat’s arse about Spielberg or his wrinkly little alien. He was too busy pouring pints of Guinness for the locals and eyeballing the two newcomers who’d stumbled in around 7 PM, looking like they’d just escaped a Radio Shack explosion. Continue reading →

Greetings, faithful patrons of the SJ Hotel! While the world spins ever onward into chaos—March 21 2025, if you’re keeping score—I find myself planted firmly in Knoxville, Tennessee, sipping a cold Diet Dr. Pepper and contemplating the meaning of life. Or at least the meaning of not burning vacation days on a boat with 3,000 strangers who think “all-you-can-eat shrimp” is a personality trait.

My esteemed colleague, let’s call her “Cruise Girl” (because I’m petty and she’s currently floating somewhere off the Gulf Coast), decided to ditch terra firma for a week of seasickness and overpriced margaritas. Me? I’m having a staycation, and it’s glorious. Continue reading →

Prefatory Note: To close out the month of February I’m pleased to share with all of you a pilot for a TV sitcom I recently wrote. It’s based off a Friday Funny post that was kind of a weird fever-dream sort of thing during the pandemic and I’m honestly not even sure if it’s on the website anymore (SHG does the post title here ring a bell? Just curious.)[Ed. Note: It’s here.].

Anyway I wanted to bring Glen the Grocery Store Greeter to the modern era and try to make him funny today. Hope you enjoy this because next week shit’s going to get weird.—CLS

COLD OPEN

INT. VOLUNTEER VALUE MART – ENTRANCE – NIGHT Continue reading →

Friends, it’s February 20, 2025, and I’m officially declaring war on snow. Yes, that fluffy white bastard that turns Knoxville into a scene from The Shining minus the charm of Jack Nicholson chasing me with an axe. I’ve had it. Done. Finito. If I see one more snowflake drift down like it’s auditioning for a Hallmark movie, I’m going to lose what’s left of my mind, and trust me, there ain’t much left after the Girl Scout cookie season gauntlet.

Let’s set the stage. It’s East Tennessee, where winter usually means a light dusting of frost that melts by noon and leaves us free to argue about college football in peace. But no, not this week. This week, Mother Nature decided to cosplay as Elsa from Frozen and dump YET MORE snow on my driveway, my car, and my soul. Continue reading →