Glacier Bay National Park and Preserve is arguably the crown jewel in America’s national park system. It’s beautiful beyond the human capacity to articulate in words. It’s also colder than any other place we visited on the Alaska cruise. All of these things can be attributed to the prevalence of glaciers in Glacier Bay.

Glaciers are beautiful masses of snow and ice. That snow and ice is capable of massive destruction when it decides to move. As we made our way through the park rangers pointed out an oddly shaped set of hills near our boat. The odd shape we saw was from a glacier’s movement that damn near obliterated a huge mountain range when it decided to descend.

Beauty coupled with the tremendous potential for destruction. That’s the best way to describe a glacier.

This was the morning my nine-year-old son woke me excitedly yelling “DADDY DADDY WHALES WHALES!!!” We’d gone whale watching in Seattle for my daughter’s birthday and he knew what to look for when we got into the park. The three we saw in Seattle were apparently enough to prepare my eagle-eyed boy for service as the family’s unofficial whale-spotter.

In addition to whales, we viewed sea otters and bears. The sea otters were cute and happy to show off for our boat as we floated by. The bears were best experienced as we did—from afar with telephoto lenses as they explored land.

Next week when we’re in Ketchikan I’ll explain why if you’re not familiar with our ursine friends and what they can do to humans. That’s foreshadowing, folks!

The highlight of Glacier Bay’s natural beauty was seeing a glacier “cap.” That’s the moment part of the glacier separates from the rest of the body and rejoins the sea. As much as I wish I’d gotten a photo of the event, it was very much “a blink and you’ll miss it” moment. I will not forget the sound, though—the crash of the ice hitting water echoed for what had to be miles.

Another highlight of the Glacier Bay day was seeing magician Elliott Hunter’s close up magic show with my son. Elliott is a wonderful magician with both a stage and parlor/close up show my son and I took in after he was technically supposed to be in bed.

Yes. I snuck my nine-year-old son out of bed for a couple of hours to go see a magician in his PJs with Grammie and Grandpa watching on. What can I say? I’m a pushover for my children.

We decided on sushi for lunch this particular day from the ship’s in-house sushi bar. This was a “specialty restaurant” on the boat everyone heard good things about. Naturally everyone wanted to eat there which meant an ungodly long wait time for a two-top table. I swear my nephews only got seats before us because one of them has a grade-A mope face when he doesn’t get his way.

The sushi was great though.

At the end of the day, my family retired to our stateroom to watch the latest “Super Mario Brothers Movie.” I’m old enough to remember the one with John Leguziamo and Dennis Hopper but this was good enough for stupid kid fare. Plus a couple of drinks made it more entertaining.

We were treated to a reminder that nature can kill you before we left Glacier Bay when a ranger informed us the captain made an executive decision to not take us around the entire park as the fog made visibility in those narrow waters very difficult. When you’re one cruise ship of several angling for the best views your passengers demand, I guess it gets difficult maneuvering at times due to human stupidity too.

So that was Glacier Bay: Beautiful, untamed, cold as balls and best experienced from the comfort of one’s stateroom. Next week is the last stop on our tour of Alaska—Ketchikan. The land of bears, seals, whores and a healthy hatred of Juneau.

See you next week, everyone!

Skagway is a small mining town. It’s one of the few areas in Alaska reachable by land from the United States. And it’s extremely small.

How small is Skagway? As a bus driver told me, Skagway is four blocks wide and 23 blocks deep. There’s exactly one bank, one ATM, post office, one building hosting both the fire and police departments, post box and skateboard park. There’s also one school for all grade levels. Continue reading →

Alaska. The 49th State. The Final Frontier of the United States. A place where getting lost in nature means you quite possibly die. Yes, this was where I chose to vacation for about a week and a half.

I never said this was going to be relaxing, did I? In fact, it was a vacation with my massive 15 person family. Yes, we’re those people on vacation who gleefully take up an entire elevator or a charter bus. And we all go on vacations together. Continue reading →

Today’s story isn’t one I would necessarily consider “funny” by any stretch of the word, dear readers. It is true, it’s wild, and one I’d be remiss if I didn’t try to do some justice. Today we’re going to look at the life of “Dr.” Jerry Graham.

Born in Phoenix, Arizona, Graham started wrestling at the tender age of fourteen. Lauded for his skills on the microphone, he would get teamed up early in his career with a kid from Chattanooga named Eddie Gossett who would become Graham’s storyline brother, Eddie Graham. Continue reading →

It’s summer in Tennessee. That means the weather goes from barely tolerable at 7 AM to “Satan’s Front Porch” by 10. When the air outside is so muggy it feels like you’re breathing in chicken soup, you really appreciate what makes this weather bearable: central air and iced tea.

Summer means the kids go from crazy busy schedules involving school to crazy busy schedules involving summer camps. My son has two field trips a week, for example. This means his special camp shirts need to be clean for those days. It also means he needs to actually locate those shirts as needed, which is apparently a Herculean task for a nine year old. Continue reading →

I never thought I’d see the day when folks from the West Coast started getting the good sense  to flee that nightmarish part of the country for my beloved American South. And yet it keeps happening. It seemed to really take off during the pandemic when parts of my region embraced liberty while places like California prevented folks from eating outside unless the restaurant of their choosing had pricey outdoor air filters.

Personally, I’m not terribly thrilled at the influx of migrants to Tennessee and the surrounding states from places like California. One of the joys of country life is the lack of people. However, if you’re going to come here, I feel it incumbent upon me to provide you with some tips so some of you might learn the ropes and properly assimilate.

You’re welcome. Continue reading →

It may be hard for some SJ readers to believe, but there are good cops out there. While we often hear of those officers who process every encounter into a beating, shooting or tasing, there are many who actually take into account the considerations of the community and act accordingly.

One of my favorites was Deputy Dennis,* a Sheriff’s deputy I interacted with almost daily in my hometown during my first few years of practice.

Small town law is a strange bird. You’re expected to follow the “adversarial system” that pits the State against the individual, but there’s often times when you’re waiting on the DA to hear out your case or plea deal and you have nothing else to do but jaw with the cops or other lawyers in the room. Deputy Dennis was one of the fun ones to shoot the breeze with. If you wanted a good story, he was the first person to ask. Continue reading →

Note: The following was my proposed commencement speech for the 2024 class of the “People’s School of Gaza” at the University of Tennessee in Knoxville. For some reason, the “faculty” declined my invitation to speak—CLS

Good afternoon. Before I begin, if everyone could please deactivate your explosive vests, remove your keffiyehs and silence your cell phones until commencement exercises conclude, that would be appreciated.

Also a brief housekeeping note: If anyone knows who spilled red paint all over the Student Union men’s bathroom, please invite them to clean that shit up. This isn’t a daycare and none of you are toddlers. Allegedly. Continue reading →

Sheriff Roy Templeton had a headache. The assembled group of adults before him hadn’t stopped yelling since he stepped into Principal Doreen Jessup’s office at Nick Saban Intermediate School and asked “What’s the problem?”

When the school called about a row involving some parents and teachers, Mud Lick’s head law enforcement officer decided he’d handle the incident personally. Roy Junior started at Saban Middle in the fall and Sheriff Roy thought getting a little positive face time with the principal of his son’s new school would be advantageous. Continue reading →

Sheriff Roy wondered if what he saw was part of some weird fever dream.

The sky above was white as a sheet of paper with no form or shape to anything. Same with the ground below. No scenery was visible. Just white everywhere.

In fact, the only thing more peculiar than the scenery was the young boy standing in front of the Sheriff. Approximately twelve, wearing corduroy pants, a green polka-dotted shirt and a red bow tie, the ginger haired child smiled at Sheriff Roy with a knowing smirk.

“Time,” the boy said, “is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.” Continue reading →