Ed. Note: This is a reprise of a classic post about Mud Lick’s top cop, Sheriff Roy Templeton, following Chris Seaton’s unfortunate kiln accident which prevented him from writing a new post as well as wearing the Halloween orange and black panda costume purchased from Kmart with the bespoke codpiece.

Happy Halloween—ahh shit, that was yesterday wasn’t it? Well enjoy this spooky tale a day late-CLS

Mx. Roberta Finklestein (pronouns they/them, MA in Gender Studies, Oberlin 2010) was perplexed. For the life of them they couldn’t figure out why they’d been pulled over that day by a nice but rather imposing Latinx gentleman working for the Sheriff’s Department, cited, and told to appear at the station for questioning. Continue reading →

No one had seen Sheriff Roy Templeton in five days. Folks at the Sheriff’s Department in Mud Lick, Alabama started whispering about the need to do a welfare check on the area’s top cop.

Everyone drew straws to see who would pay the Sheriff a visit. As luck would have it, Chief Deputy Ernesto Miranda drew the assignment. He got in his cruiser and drove to Sheriff Templeton’s residence.

The Chief Deputy announced his presence after two distinct raps to the door. “Police! Welfare check. Anyone home?” A couple of minutes later the door unlocked and Arlene Templeton, the Sheriff’s wife, came to the door with streaked mascara and red-tinged eyes.

“Arlene, what’s wrong? Where’s Sheriff Roy?”

Arlene sniffled a bit. Her lower lip trembled. “Oh Ernesto, he’s really not well,” Arlene managed before bursting into tears. Chief Deputy Miranda didn’t know what else to do, so he hugged Arlene. “I’m sorry Arlene,” he said.

“Sorry for what, Chief Deputy?” Sheriff Roy’s voice rang from a back room. Immediately, Chief Deputy Miranda perked up. “Sheriff?” he asked. “You okay? Everyone at the station’s been wondering about you since Saturday night.”

Sheriff Roy stepped into the living room. What the Chief Deputy saw next nearly struck him dumb.

Sheriff Roy was dressed in an orange and white uniform: white pants with an orange stripe, an orange shirt that read “Sheriff” in white lettering, and a garishly orange badge that looked like it’s been dipped in Pantone 151.

“I’m fine, Chief Deputy. Can we please go to the Sheriff’s Department now? I need to address everyone.”

“Yes sir. Shouldn’t be a problem. You want me to drive, Sheriff?”

“I was hoping you’d offer.”

The two men sat in Miranda’s squad car for a couple of minutes before they drove off. It was the Chief Deputy who broke the silence.

“Interesting outfit you’ve got on there, Sheriff.”

“I’m just attempting to keep up with the kids these days, Miranda. I heard there were certain young men in the Crimson Tide ball team who thought it a fashion statement to paint their nails orange after losing to Tennessee. Seemed like it was time to update my wardrobe.”

“Huh. Do tell now.”

The men drove in silence for several miles.

“This is loss number two for the Tide in Knoxville. Back to back, Miranda. That’s a hell of a feat for a coach who looks like a grown up Bobby Hill.”

“You becoming a Vol fan, Sheriff?”

“Hell no,” the Sheriff chuckled. “I’m giving the new Devil his due.”

Miranda pulled the cruiser into a filling station. “Gotta get gas, Sheriff.”

“At least you’re not doing something as rankly stupid as going for it on 4th and 22, Miranda. Christ almighty, what was DeBoer thinking? You punt and then force a stop. It’s damn near madness to attempt a 4th and 22.”

“Sure is, Sheriff.” Miranda nodded in agreement, attempting to keep the Sheriff talking.

“If there’s one thing that game shows me, it’s DeBoer doesn’t understand what coaching in the SEC is like, Miranda. There’s standards. The standard is the Alabama Crimson Tide. Almost twenty Natties to our name, son. No longer. Now we’re 0-2 against the state of Tennessee.”

Sheriff Roy slapped the dashboard. “Goddamn TENNESSEE, Miranda. Can you believe it? Those orange clad buffoons beat us again. And insult to injury, we lost to their nerdy little relatives in Nashville too.” With that, Sheriff Roy spat.

Chief Deputy Miranda saw none of this as he was inside paying for gas, two Coca-Colas and a bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos.”

When he returned to the cruiser, Miranda heard Sheriff Roy droning on about the Tide’s numerous interceptions, including the game-clincher by Will Brooks of the Vols.

“Son of a bitch was a walk-on from Alabama, Miranda! He’s a local boy and he caught the game-deciding ball as if Milroe meant to throw it to him. Can you believe it?”

“It’s amazing, Sheriff.”

The two made it to the Sheriff’s Department. Chief Deputy Miranda turned off the motor and looked at Sheriff Roy.

“Sir, with all due respect, you show up for work dressed like that and the troops are going to ask questions.”

“What questions could they ask that are more pressing than who should face justice today, Miranda? Maybe we could answer how Kalen DeBoer turned a legacy forged from greatness into a mass of quivering crimson Jello? Did Coach Saban go because he saw his kids painting their nails orange? How did we only hang seven points on the damn Vols in the first half?”

Sheriff Roy was wide-eyed with a feral look. It truly terrified Chief Deputy Miranda.

“No sir, I don’t think I can help answer any of those.”

Sheriff Roy Templeton exhaled, the life and fight seemingly draining from him. “Then the best we can figure is this is a shit day where grown men expect participation trophies to mean something and act accordingly.”

The two men wouldn’t speak of this day ever again, or these conversations. Sheriff Roy returned to wearing his normal uniform the next day, but he would occasionally break out the orange and white Sheriff’s uniform when he was in a bad mood.

And the people of Mud Lick learned very quickly never to cross Sheriff Roy when he wore orange and white.

Yikes! It’s already the third Friday in October and I haven’t done anything Halloween-related this year? For shame. You may admonish me at your will, dear readers. I’ll wait.

Now that you’ve gotten that out of your system, let’s talk one of my absolute favorite holidays: Halloween! It’s fun to watch my kids get dressed up and roam the neighborhood with other children in search of the best candy hauls that evening. It’s a fun night where kids and their parents can let loose a little and just have fun while ghouls, ghosts and things that go bump in the night run rampant.

As I am nothing if not helpful and kind, I take great pride in bringing you my updated list of tips, hints and tricks to make your All Hallow’s Eve extra special. Enjoy! Continue reading →

Prefatory Note: After re-reading this I get the impression it might make me look extremely petty. To those perpetual sticks in the mud I say this: Like you’ve never enjoyed a healthy bit of schadenfreude before. Laugh a little.—CLS

Chief Deputy Ernesto Miranda has a nice ring to it, the man mused as he parked his car in the brand new “Employee of the Month” parking space at the Mud Lick, Alabama Sheriff’s Department. The title, parking space and pay raise he’d just earned all came after a recent stellar performance evaluation and some heavy arguing on Miranda’s part that civilians needed a clear demarcation between Sheriff Templeton’s second in command—him—and the rest of the rank and file at the Department. Sheriff Roy, always a believer in order in the chain of command, saw merit in the argument. Continue reading →

Fall had set upon the quiet town of Mud Lick, Alabama. In most years, this meant the turn of the air from oppressively muggy to somewhat pleasant, the first signs of leaves changing color, and the Alabama Crimson Tide returning to form as the alpha males of NCAA Football.

The latter wasn’t happening this year and it worried one man more than others. Sheriff Roy Templeton, Mud Lick’s top cop and current contender for Southeastern Sheriff of the Year by the NAACP, was not happy with his Tide’s current prospects. They looked almost human under the guidance of new head coach Kalen DeBoer. And if Sheriff Roy wasn’t mistaken it almost looked like the boys were playing with their food at times. Continue reading →

Ketchikan is a town on an island in the land grouping near the bottom of Alaska if one looks at a map. This is kind of funny to me because I was so disoriented on direction during this cruise I could’ve sworn the town was farther north. Locals will tell you there’s three ways to get to Ketchikan: boat, plane or birth. Those folks born in Ketchikan are really proud of it and wear their pride in such a manner that makes them hate Juneau a whole hell of a lot for some reason.

I’m not sure where the Juneau hatred comes from. Part of me thinks it’s something akin to a high school rivalry. Then I hear some of the vile shit people in Ketchikan say about people from Juneau and I want to exclaim “Have you no decency, sir or ma’am? Where’s the civility and camaraderie of being fellow denizens of America’s last frontier?” Continue reading →

Glacier Bay National Park and Preserve is arguably the crown jewel in America’s national park system. It’s beautiful beyond the human capacity to articulate in words. It’s also colder than any other place we visited on the Alaska cruise. All of these things can be attributed to the prevalence of glaciers in Glacier Bay.

Glaciers are beautiful masses of snow and ice. That snow and ice is capable of massive destruction when it decides to move. As we made our way through the park rangers pointed out an oddly shaped set of hills near our boat. The odd shape we saw was from a glacier’s movement that damn near obliterated a huge mountain range when it decided to descend.

Beauty coupled with the tremendous potential for destruction. That’s the best way to describe a glacier.

This was the morning my nine-year-old son woke me excitedly yelling “DADDY DADDY WHALES WHALES!!!” We’d gone whale watching in Seattle for my daughter’s birthday and he knew what to look for when we got into the park. The three we saw in Seattle were apparently enough to prepare my eagle-eyed boy for service as the family’s unofficial whale-spotter.

In addition to whales, we viewed sea otters and bears. The sea otters were cute and happy to show off for our boat as we floated by. The bears were best experienced as we did—from afar with telephoto lenses as they explored land.

Next week when we’re in Ketchikan I’ll explain why if you’re not familiar with our ursine friends and what they can do to humans. That’s foreshadowing, folks!

The highlight of Glacier Bay’s natural beauty was seeing a glacier “cap.” That’s the moment part of the glacier separates from the rest of the body and rejoins the sea. As much as I wish I’d gotten a photo of the event, it was very much “a blink and you’ll miss it” moment. I will not forget the sound, though—the crash of the ice hitting water echoed for what had to be miles.

Another highlight of the Glacier Bay day was seeing magician Elliott Hunter’s close up magic show with my son. Elliott is a wonderful magician with both a stage and parlor/close up show my son and I took in after he was technically supposed to be in bed.

Yes. I snuck my nine-year-old son out of bed for a couple of hours to go see a magician in his PJs with Grammie and Grandpa watching on. What can I say? I’m a pushover for my children.

We decided on sushi for lunch this particular day from the ship’s in-house sushi bar. This was a “specialty restaurant” on the boat everyone heard good things about. Naturally everyone wanted to eat there which meant an ungodly long wait time for a two-top table. I swear my nephews only got seats before us because one of them has a grade-A mope face when he doesn’t get his way.

The sushi was great though.

At the end of the day, my family retired to our stateroom to watch the latest “Super Mario Brothers Movie.” I’m old enough to remember the one with John Leguziamo and Dennis Hopper but this was good enough for stupid kid fare. Plus a couple of drinks made it more entertaining.

We were treated to a reminder that nature can kill you before we left Glacier Bay when a ranger informed us the captain made an executive decision to not take us around the entire park as the fog made visibility in those narrow waters very difficult. When you’re one cruise ship of several angling for the best views your passengers demand, I guess it gets difficult maneuvering at times due to human stupidity too.

So that was Glacier Bay: Beautiful, untamed, cold as balls and best experienced from the comfort of one’s stateroom. Next week is the last stop on our tour of Alaska—Ketchikan. The land of bears, seals, whores and a healthy hatred of Juneau.

See you next week, everyone!

Skagway is a small mining town. It’s one of the few areas in Alaska reachable by land from the United States. And it’s extremely small.

How small is Skagway? As a bus driver told me, Skagway is four blocks wide and 23 blocks deep. There’s exactly one bank, one ATM, post office, one building hosting both the fire and police departments, post box and skateboard park. There’s also one school for all grade levels. Continue reading →

Alaska. The 49th State. The Final Frontier of the United States. A place where getting lost in nature means you quite possibly die. Yes, this was where I chose to vacation for about a week and a half.

I never said this was going to be relaxing, did I? In fact, it was a vacation with my massive 15 person family. Yes, we’re those people on vacation who gleefully take up an entire elevator or a charter bus. And we all go on vacations together. Continue reading →

Today’s story isn’t one I would necessarily consider “funny” by any stretch of the word, dear readers. It is true, it’s wild, and one I’d be remiss if I didn’t try to do some justice. Today we’re going to look at the life of “Dr.” Jerry Graham.

Born in Phoenix, Arizona, Graham started wrestling at the tender age of fourteen. Lauded for his skills on the microphone, he would get teamed up early in his career with a kid from Chattanooga named Eddie Gossett who would become Graham’s storyline brother, Eddie Graham. Continue reading →