Seaton: Unsolicited Opinions

Here are a few unsolicited opinions, offered by a likely unqualified person on the internet, which no rational person should give a damn about unless they agree with said opinions.

If you walk up and down every aisle of a grocery store and don’t actually purchase an item from each aisle, you’re the Kroger equivalent of a mall walker and deserve to be treated as such.

Texting is ruining human communication. What reasonable person spends time typing words out with their thumbs when you can accomplish the same goal in less time with a phone call? It’s getting out of hand. We have birthday texts, holiday texts, group texts, and more. There’s even “sexting,” which becomes problematic when kids do it. Just stop now.

And don’t get me started on emojis. Bitmojis, Memojis, it’s all getting out of hand. We’re a hair’s breadth away from communicating by grunts and digital cave paintings.

Here’s a good idea for making money. As retail outlets and malls start to close, someone needs to create a virtual reality mall walking simulator for mall walkers. Then they’ll have a place to congregate when Amazon shuts down the local mall.

There’s still a thing in this world called “comedic exaggeration.” If someone says “(Person X) can either hang himself or blow me,” they aren’t actually inviting someone to commit suicide or consenting to oral sex. I may be wrong about the latter, but I don’t judge people on their sexual preferences.

We’re using names as descriptors too much these days. There’s far too many “Karens” and “Chads,” and people are “Stanning” for things. Let’s return to precise language and call people what they are: entitled bitches, gym-bro assholes, and nerds.

Racism isn’t under every rock and not every statement is racially charged. Saying someone’s “so tough they could strap a bucket of fried chicken to their back and ride through Ethiopia on a motor-scooter” isn’t racist, it’s just in bad taste.

“Ok Boomer” might work as an insult on Twitter, but say it to the wrong one in real life and you’ll probably (deservedly) get knocked on your ass.

Here’s a fun thing to try. The next time you’re at the grocery store, turn your cart backwards as you go through the checkout line. What the fuck is anyone going to do about it?

A constipated geriatric is someone who’s literally too old for this shit.

If someone’s too old for this shit, that could also mean they don’t give a shit. It could mean they’re tired of your shit or sick of your shit, even if they’re full of energy and perfectly healthy.

No one ever said taking stock advice from a homeless man was a bad idea. Until now. Yep, I said it.

Fighting never solved anything. It did help jumpstart our nation, but sure, go ahead and believe the pacifists.

I’m not saying correlation equals causation, but we gave women the right to vote and two World Wars broke out.

Give happiness a chance. No one out there preaching doom and gloom is living a fulfilling life. You might actually enjoy yourself if you just try happiness. Once.

Loose lips sink ships, end careers, and launch impeachments.

Let’s call “Hot Takes” what they really are: unsolicited opinions.

And finally, the opinions expressed are solely those of one guy on the internet. They do not reflect the opinion of Simple Justice, its proprietor, and shouldn’t be taken seriously anyway.

Unless you agree with me.

31 thoughts on “Seaton: Unsolicited Opinions

  1. delurking

    “A We’re a hair’s breath away from communicating by grunts and digital cave paintings.”

    Which might be an improvement over the blather that comes out of some people.

    1. CLS

      If I actually gave you my opinion on selfies, it would be a solicited opinion, and therefore not on topic with this post.

      As a well-respected jurist once remarked, “Focus, dammit!”

  2. Random Wine Geek

    Robert Heinlein in Starship Troopers:

    But on the last day he seemed to be trying to find out what we had learned. One girl told him bluntly: “My mother says that violence never settles anything.”

    “So?” Mr. Dubois looked at her bleakly. “I’m sure the city fathers of Carthage would be glad to know that. Why doesn’t your mother tell them so? Or why don’t you?”

    They had tangled before — since you couldn’t flunk the course, it wasn’t necessary to keep Mr. Dubois buttered up. She said shrilly, “You’re making fun of me! Everybody knows that Carthage was destroyed!”

    “You seemed to be unaware of it,” he said grimly. “Since you do know it, wouldn’t you say that violence had settled their destinies rather thoroughly? However, I was not making fun of you personally; I was heaping scorn on an inexcusably silly idea — a practice I shall always follow. Anyone who clings to the historically untrue — and thoroughly immoral — doctrine that `violence never settles anything’ I would advise to conjure up the ghosts of Napoleon Bonaparte and of the Duke of Wellington and let them debate it. The ghost of Hitler could referee, and the jury might well be the Dodo, the Great Auk, and the Passenger Pigeon. Violence, naked force, has settled more issues in history than has any other factor, and the contrary opinion is wishful thinking at its worst. Breeds that forget this basic truth have always paid for it with their lives and freedoms.”

    He sighed. “Another year, another class — and, for me, another failure. One can lead a child to knowledge but one cannot make him think.”

  3. Andrew Marshall

    “A constipated geriatric is someone who’s literally too old for this shit.” This line made me laugh so loud in my cubicle, that my work neighbors came over to see what was going on.

    1. CLS

      I snort-laughed when I came up with that one. Glad I could give you some Friday giggles. Tell your work neighbors we do this every Friday.

  4. wilbur

    “No one ever said taking stock advice from a homeless man was a bad idea.”

    Hmmm. I saw the movie Trading Places 35 years ago and it seems to offer a different take.

    But then I’ve encountered very few homeless people who had their shit together like Billy Ray Valentine.

  5. KP

    TEXT: noun, A short cogent message giving precise instructions that is delivered down a phone line it shares concurrently with millions of others.

    PHONE CALL: noun, a long time-wasting exercise that occupies a phone line to itself forever while you make polite chat about how someone feels and what the weather is doing before you exchange any meaningful information.

  6. losingtrader

    I have it on good authority that a certain Nebraska judge issues 400-page emoji opinions. By text.

  7. Richard Kopf


    I am pretty sure you are not real. I rather think you are a figment of SHG’s fevered brow, with James Joyce’s stream of consciousness psychotic delusions. If you disagree, you must prove your separate identity.

    I dare you to try!

    It is so ordered.


      1. Richard Kopf

        CLS (SHG),

        The foregoing pic has been photoshopped.

        I can tell ’cause the mean-ass editor is smiling and the rest are well-known models from Southern Living, the “South’s Premiere Lifestyle Magazine.”

        So, CLS your proof has failed. It is therefore ordered that the judgment is entered against CLS and in favor of God-fearing patriots everywhere, even in the Ukraine, cancelling you.

        All the best.


Comments are closed.