Seaton: Statues I’d Like To See Toppled

Disclaimer/Preface: As I sat down to write this week’s funny, it came to me that this might be your first time at SJ, and I might be the first writer you graced with a click. So to get this out of the way, the following are jokes made for the sole purpose of making people laugh. Call it satire, humor, or whatever floats your boat—just don’t take any of this seriously. Neither my mean-ass editor nor I condone any criminal acts, including the toppling of statues.

It’s summer, the block is hot, and people are out looking to fuck shit up in full force. Whether it’s to protest the deaths of black people at the hands of police or generally sounding the revolutionary bells for the woke and oppressed, people everywhere are toppling statues left and right.

Now I’m not one to judge someone’s form of protest. I’m a little older and less angry than I used to be, and I’ve got kids to think about. As a result, I won’t be participating in any statue-toppling activities, no matter how fun they look on Popular Mechanics or Mashable.

What I can do is provide a few suggestions of monuments and statues I’d like to see taken down, if the opportunity should arise. I’m not going to openly call for their destruction. I don’t really want to see them gone if possible. What I am saying is if angry protesters need another target in their quest to end racial injustice, well, I’ve got a few suggestions for the next batch of swinging hammers. Let’s get started!

  1. STATUE OF ALEX HALEY IN EAST KNOXVILLE, TN

My first suggestion goes to my wokescold comrades who justify the removal of statues with the following line, “If you want to learn about history, read a fucking book!” Okay, I want to see how committed to this line of thinking you are. Remove the statue of author Alex Haley from the East Knoxville park in which it sits.

Yes, he was the guy who created Roots. That’s precisely why you should take his statue down. He has a book you can read! Therefore there’s no need for a statue honoring him, right? We can just read the book and put a bird feeder where the statue stood.

If you’re stuttering at my proposal, then maybe your statue toppling frenzy just met something called “cognitive dissonance,” which is a hell of a hammer to swing in its own right. Or maybe this isn’t about the big revolution you thought it was. Anyway, carry on. Get the statue down!

  1. PENN & TELLER’S HEADSTONE: FOREST LAWN CEMETERY

Look, I have a lot of respect for Penn & Teller. That’s beside the point. It really doesn’t matter how much joy they’ve brought to the world or how many talented magicians they’ve helped break into the mainstream. It’s 2020, and if you don’t realize the works of old white guys are actual fascism, then I don’t know how to properly help educate you in the fight, comrades.

  1. STATUE OF LENIN: SEATTLE, WASHINGTON

Did you know Lenin hated trans people? He sure did! Time to send this relic to the ash heap of history! Oh and don’t bother disagreeing with me. If you do, you’re attempting to oppress my lived experience and suppress my personal truth.

  1. NATHAN BEDFORD FORREST STATUE: NASHVILLE, TN

Really this one shouldn’t be too much of an argument. He’s a former Confederate General and the founder of the Ku Klan! Away he goes!

Just do me a favor and replace it with a nice statue of Dolly Parton while you’re at it? Apparently the Tennessee Legislature’s tried and failed to do this for years. We have a chance to succeed where they failed, so while we topple this shitlord’s landmark, let’s do everyone a favor and put up something honoring the Volunteer State’s most beloved daughter.

  1. GENERAL NEYLAND STATUE: NEYLAND STADIUM, KNOXVILLE, TN

This one’s not too controversial a monument to close on, I hope. While General Neyland might be the most beloved football coach in Knoxville history, he fought in two wars. That automatically makes him a target for cancellation as far as I’m concerned. Why the very existence of this statue is a threat to minorities and people of color!

Happy demolition day, comrades! And don’t let this little list serve as a directive to you or your protest group. Unlike your friends on Facebook, I’m truly not here to police anyone’s behavior. I just want you to leave me and mine alone while you engage in your non-contagious assemblies where you peaceably assemble.

Remember to wear your masks and social distance while you fuck shit u…I mean protest! And if you should find those dastardly cops ready to save any oppressive monument from the mighty slings and hammers of your revolutionary acts, simply utter the mating cry of the wokescold for help!

21 thoughts on “Seaton: Statues I’d Like To See Toppled

    1. CLS

      Judge, you’ve read my stuff enough to know when I’m in a mood while writing. I guess it showed this time?

      Reply
  1. B. McLeod

    The better trick is to “convert” statues to conform their external stereotypes. April of last year, as I was walking about in Edinburgh, I saw that someone had employed a simple traffic cone to transform Adam Smith into Albus Dumbledore.

    Reply
  2. DaveL

    Oh, and for pity’s sake, can’t you get the local Riggers’ Union to help you out? Or at least the Engineering students from your campus? We’ve already had one guy in Virginia get his head caved in from sloppy toppling techniques.

    Reply
    1. CLS

      Earl, this is something TN’s tried to pass a a law for years and failed to accomplish. I want action, dammit.

      Reply
  3. PseudonymousKid

    “Peace, land, and bread” is timeless. You’ll topple that Lenin statue over my fiercest objections in the form of online comments. I might even sign a petition. That’ll show you for sure. Save Lenin.

    Reply
    1. CLS

      Did you not read the part about oppressing my lived experiences and all that, Kid? I’m…what’s the word…triggered? Did I get that right?

      Reply
    1. CLS

      What the hell? I hadn’t heard of this. That’s a damn shame, especially when there’s so many real shitlords to topple. Like Lenin.

      Reply
  4. Mike

    Just stopping by. You guys are a lot smarter than I am on most of what I’ve read in this blog but statue removals bother me so I’ll weigh in. I don’t l ever agree with mob rule. Even if it were coming from my tribe. It goes against everything I believe in. If people want statues removed there is a system in place to petition to get them removed properly. This isn’t a joke. It’s mostly about an establishment using a mob to help remove a political opponent. The tearing down of these statues reminds me of the Taliban blowing up ancient statues of the Buddha. If the Mayors and City Councils of these cities wanted to stop most of this nonsense it would not be all that difficult. If the state and federal government wanted the violent protests to end they could do it. What’s happening is happening because powerful people in government want this to happen. They want Trump removed by all means possible and are using every tool available. He shouldn’t be president but his intended replacement is also an irresponsible choice. The current political direction of the balkanizing the U.S. is not going to end well if one uses history as a guide. Good luck and good wishes to all of you.

    Reply
    1. CLS

      OK. Thanks for stopping by. By the way, you did read that part at the tippy top where it said this is all jokes, right?

      Just checking. Have a nice day!

      Reply
  5. Moral Molar

    I want one of those nifty suits shown on the Simple Justice Banner. Can you get one in Seattle? Nordstrom’s maybe?

    Reply
    1. CLS

      Check Hot Topic. It’s not that I think they have them. I just want to see a fully-grown adult walk into one of those with intent to actually buy something. That’d be funny.

      Reply

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