Seaton: Vice Presidential Promo Class

Regular readers of the Friday Funny know I make a point to not go for the same gag twice in two weeks. I hope you’ll forgive your humble humorist; the last month has seen my quiet mountain town lock 2000 college students in isolation due to COVID, a loose “tiger” within city limits, and a plane make an emergency landing on the interstate.

No, I’m not making any of that up. I appreciate your understanding. Let’s get to it.

Wednesday, Americans yet again were denied anything resembling a debate. This time we had an old white man and a sputtering mess of a senator attempting to cut promos on each other. The difference is one participant managed a passable job. Last week taking the Presidential candidates to promo class seemed almost like a public service, so it’s time to school the Vice President and Senator Harris.

For brevity’s sake we’ll start by assuming you read last week’s post and know the foundations of a good promo. If not, remedy that, and come back.

CONVEYING PERSONALITY

This one’s all over the board. One could easily make arguments both participants flirted with babyface and heel roles. As someone who’s chronicled and called attention repeatedly to Kamala Harris’s horrendous acts as California’s top cop, Pence was the babyface all night for me. He certainly grabbed my attention when he spoke, compared to Harris, who stammered, sputtered, and looked completely ineffectual.

So what if Pence is second fiddle to Darth Cheeto and champions Victorian age values? Wednesday night, criminal defense lawyers got to watch a fucking prosecutor squirm. Stuff like that makes me giddier than a schoolgirl.

ADVANCING ANGLES

Pence and Harris need to refer to what I said last week about time investment on television. The VP did a good job hitting his bullet points, but he took too damn long to get there every time. He didn’t read the room either; when the moderator started cutting him off he would’ve been best served by landing a good line and shutting up. If you can say it in four words, don’t use eight.

Harris was the drizzling shits in this department. Between the lilting tone and endless dramatic pauses, she lost my attention almost immediately after she started speaking. Crowds aren’t always going to be sympathetic to you, Kamala, and not everyone’s going to give you a healthy stage on which to shine. Get to the damn point and move on.

ARTFUL INSULTS

This was Pence’s wheelhouse. No playground-level bullshit. Nothing really creative, but he didn’t need it. Every time he landed a verbal blow Harris responded with sputtering half-witted statements and continually looked shocked that anyone could question her integrity.

Since we’re past the debate, I feel comfortable relaying this info: Senator Harris, you were endorsed by literally the Most Electrifying Man in Entertainment, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Cutting a promo is literally in that man’s DNA, and he can make anybody like him within thirty seconds. You didn’t stop for one second to ask if he’d coach you for this clown show?

TALKING PEOPLE INTO THE BUILDING

Look, we all know most people have their minds made up at this point. But if someone held a gun to my head and made me pick who I thought was better at this, I’d have to give it to Mike Pence.

One reason everyone focused on the VP Debate this week is because a battle with two old white men, one nearing eighty and one recovering from a potentially lethal virus, means we saw what leadership under two people a heartbeat away from the Presidency looks like.

Pence projected a sense of stability. You might not like what you got with him but you at least knew it was familiar and you could deal with his shit.

Harris weakly flung herself between fake empathy and outrage the entire debate, contradicted herself multiple times, and danced around questions with the grace of a ballerina. Coming out of that debate, we honestly can’t say for sure what life would be like with President Harris. Uncertainty isn’t good when people are tired of hearing that word non-stop for months.

That’s enough promo talk for a while, I think. Happy Friday, everybody, and remember: we get to laugh at the work, and Kamala Harris will always be faker than professional wrestling.

9 thoughts on “Seaton: Vice Presidential Promo Class

  1. Richard Kopf

    CLS,

    Having used STFU once with a potent result, I believe Presidential debate moderators should be given free reign to use that shorthand. It has come to that.

    For a few nonexclusive examples, the moderator should drop the STFU bomb when one of the sillies (a) fails to address the specific question with a specific answer; (b) claims to know God personally; (c) sucks up to labor unions never actually having had your dues extorted from you; (d) fails to strictly adhere to time limits or (e) threatening to grab the genitalia of the other when interrupting.

    Two FTSUs total to one or both competitors would simply end the debate. The TV camera would focus on the moderator shown walking off the stage while giving the finger to each of the contestants. That would put a fly in the ointment.

    All the best.

    RGK

    1. CLS

      Good to hear from you as always, Judge.

      When talk first started of the debates in my circle of friends I suggested the Committee on Presidential Debates enlist the services of whoever used to make slime for Nickelodeon’s various shows. Buckets of the stuff would be suspended over Trump and Biden’s heads, and buttons at the moderator’s desk would release the goo whenever someone got out of hand.

      The idea was praised universally.

  2. L. Phillips

    CLS, are you moonlighting at the Babylon Bee? They did a story after the VP “debate” about Pence tagging in Trump swinging a metal folding chair while Harris desperately tried to tag in Johnson. I’d have paid cash money to watch that show.

    1. CLS

      Any comparisons of my work to the Onion or Bee are guaranteed to make me smile. Thank you.

      I’m not surprised the Bee went there. Modern politics is essentially indie outlaw mud show professional wrestling without the worked fights. Since the current administration has ties with the minds behind America’s number one promotion there’s no reason they can’t make this stuff look better.

    1. CLS

      Poor Cyborg. All he wanted as a little Greco-Roman grappling.

      As an aside, I actually did wrestle in high school. I wasn’t very good, and that probably shone brightest when I asked the team coach how to properly administer a spine buster one day during practice.

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